The Bluths Explain Football: The Indianapolis Colts' Offseason

Nate Dunlevy@NateDunlevyGuest ColumnistMay 22, 2012

There's no better school of NFL wisdom than Arrested Development.

All summer, I'll be looking to the Bluth family for insight into the AFC South. I'll work through the episodes and look for the secret wisdom that only the insipid and pampered can provide.

Today, I watch George Michael and wonder how Andrew Luck will do as Mr. Manager.


Today's Episode: Top Banana

Plot Summary: Michael believes George Sr. is trying to run the business from inside prison. He also gives George Michael the job of managing the family's frozen banana stand. Meanwhile, Tobias and Lindsey vie for the same acting gig, and Maeby fails to understand economics.

Frustrated with his father's meddling, Micheal ends up torching the banana stand, unwittingly destroying the thousands of dollars his father had hidden in it.


Key Quotes:

I'm having a love affair with this ice cream sandwich!

There's always money in the Banana Stand!

- George Sr.

These go out to Jim Irsay, whose occasionally eccentric behavior can't help but remind you of George Bluth. Mr. Irsay has managed to turn his family business into a cash cow, yet somehow he doesn't always inspire confidence.


"Burn it down."


"Let's burn this son of a bitch!"

- Michael to George Michael

About 30 seconds after the Colts released Peyton Manning, Ryan Grigson leaned over to Chuck Pagano and whispered this in his ear. By the end of the week, the Colts had torched the vast majority of their roster, gleefully razing the team to the ground.


Oh my God! WE'RE HAVING A FIRE sale! Oh it burns! Evacuate the children!

- Tobias

Reggie Wayne called up Robert Mathis and said something similar to this a few weeks ago.


You mailed that insurance check, right?

- Michael to Gob

Shortly after releasing half the roster, the Colts announced that they had not sold out season tickets for the first time in nearly a decade. Irsay's banana stand was smoldering embers, and the insurance check was on its way to Denver.

While I think it's likely the Colts sell out this first season without Manning, they are going to have to show the fans serious progress if they want to continue bringing in the cash in the years to come.


"Find a little job for him. Make him feel special."

"But he's not special, mom."

- Lucille and Michael

I'd say this sums up the Colts offensive line nicely. Pagano and Grigson immediate replaced such luminaries as Mike Pollak with such luminaries as Winston Justice. Pollak has since gone to Carolina, where the mail has strangely stopped being sent.


They're grown-ups. They are allowed to have fun whenever they want. We're kids. We're supposed to be working!

- George Michael

There are so few veterans left on the team that if Indianapolis is going to have any success this year, it's going to fall on the rookies. Coby Fleener and Dwayne Allen are going to have to carry the load for the offense.


It's all up to me now, I'm Mr. Manager!

- George Michael

Yes, you are Andrew. Yes, you are.

Luck is tasked with returning the Colts to greatness, and he certainly looks the part. He's responsible and conscientious and highly unlikely to make out with his cousin.



It's hard work rebuilding a banana stand that has been torched. Whether or not it ultimately proves to be the right move, the Colts set fire to a profitable business.

Everyone is going to pull together to build the team back up, but with hard work and dedication, the people of Indianapolis will soon return to purchase delicious frozen treats.

I mean football tickets.

In the mean time, Andrew Luck has been given a job that he's way too young for. No one should have to save a franchise in his rookie year. Still, he appears to be game, and if he can handle the pressure, the Colts will be just fine.



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