Hello gentle readers.
If you're wondering where I've been, that's kind of a funny story. I was at the Publix Supermarket in South Miami when a large black man bumped into me.
"Hey, watch it buddy!" I snarled.
"My bad, man. Sorry." he apologized.
"You're lucky I don't kick your ass!" I said, giving him a push.
"I should warn you, I'm Kimbo Slice."
"That's it—you and me, in the parking lot, right NOW!"
Long story short: Traction generally lasts five to seven weeks.
But I was able to catch up on my reading and noticed some odd stories.
OH MY DARLING CLEMENS-SLIMES: Not satisfied with the coverage of Clemens steroid accusations provided by ESPN, CNN, Fox, and even C-SPAN, Clear Channel Media announced plans for ClemensTV, a 24-hour channel devoted to all things Roger Clemens. At 8 tonight, they're offering a virtual tour of the star pitcher's abcessed buttocks (narrated by Katie Couric), followed by the daily three-hour round-up of the latest news.
The controversy grew to include Roger's wife, Debra. Apparently, following a purported performance enhancing injection for a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue photo shoot, she put on a uniform with #23 and struck out 12 Tampa Bay Devil Rays. But, to put things in perspective, a lucky fan picked from the crowd as part of a promotional event, Evelyn Tessgood, 67, of Century Village, also struck out 12 Rays.
Hearing that Debra Clemens might have taken a shot to firm up for the SI fleshfest disappointed many fans of the magazine.
"I thought these women's bodies were natural." sighed a disillusioned and lonely Tim Johns, a fifteen-year old from the a farm outside Norman, Oklahoma. "I used to get the issue in the mail and rush upstairs and lock myself in the bathroom and fantasize about what kinds of human beings these ladies were, you know, their likes and dislikes, hobbies, favorite episode of the Gilmore Girls--you know, hot stuff. Not ogling some augmented breasts or anorexic tight bodies or round perky asses. That's not what the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue is all about."
THE BEAGLE HAS LANDED: The heart-warming story of Uno, the plucky dog who became the first member of the Hound Group in twenty-five years to claim "Best of Show" at the Westminster Kennel Club, and the first beagle ever to win, took an ugly turn this weekend.
Las Vegas police arrested Uno outside a strip club just off Fremont Street.
According to the arresting officer--"We noticed him driving erratically and then parking in an isolated area of the parking lot. When we approached the vehicle we observed the defendant with a white powdery substance on his snout, licking himself. He'll be charged with several counts, including drunk driving, possession of a controlled narcotic, and lewd and lascivious behavior." He faces a possible sentence of eight "bad dogs" and 12 swats with a rolled-up newspaper.
BELICHICK DEFENDS HIS SUPER BOWL SNUB OF GIANTS COACH COUGHLIN: Bill Belichick gave his version of why he left before the last tick of the clock in his Super Bowl defeat. "I had a premonition, and sure enough, when I went out to the parking lot outside the stadium, I saw a burning car. Luckily I was able to rescue a baby, a nun, and the Maharishi."
When it was pointed out the Maharishi was dead, he said: "Yeah, but believe me, I tried mouth-to-mouth, heart massage, everything. I'm not lying. That really happened. My big worry is, I hope that doesn't cut into my votes for "Sportsman of the Year!"