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UFC: 20 Christmas Gifts for 20 Fighters

Dan HiergesellFeatured ColumnistDecember 16, 2011

UFC: 20 Christmas Gifts for 20 Fighters

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    It's that time of the year.

    Glowing blue lights, blow-up lawn ornaments, boatloads of wrapping and cheerful people around the world are doing their very best to ring in Christmas.

    Remember, this could be the last Christmas known to man, if and when the world does in fact end in 2012 (which has a better chance of happening than Tank Abbott making a comeback).

    But despite the fairy tales we are passing on to unsuspecting minds, there's no better time for giving then that infamous 25th day of December.

    Children embrace it, parents endure it and yes, even UFC fighters enjoy the holidays.

    So by keeping the tradition of the Christmas spirit throughout Bleacher Report and the sport of MMA, here are 20 ironic gifts for 20 well-deserving fighters.

    Sorry, no iPads.

20. Clay Guida

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    A Pair Of Clippers 

    I'm one of the first people that comes to the defense of Clay Guida's wild hair.

    It's simply awesome.

    However, after dropping a heartbreaking decision to Benson Henderson in his last fight, it may time to cut it.

    I couldn't tell you how many times I've seen Guida wipe his hair away from his face only to get blasted by a hook or straight-left.

    May I suggest a Mohawk?

     


19. Jason "Mayhem" Miller

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    A Redo

    If Mayhem Miller had one wish for Christmas, it would be the opportunity to redo his fight with Michael Bisping at the TUF 14 Finale.

    Miller is a much better martial artist than his performance would suggest.

    And while he may be opening up some compensation checks for Bully Beatdown on Christmas morning, there's one more present under the tree.

    Psych, it's just socks.  Sorry, Jason.

18. Georges St. Pierre

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    A Second Fight

    What's the one thing Georges St. Pierre needs for Christmas this year?

    Do I dare say a second fight in the calender year?

    St. Pierre had only one fight in 2011, which came back in April against Jake Shields at UFC 129.

    Knee injuries have hobbled the welterweight champ since then, forcing him to take a backseat in the division as Nick Diaz and Carlos Condit duke it out for the interim belt at UFC 143.

    If Santa Claus could bring one thing to "Rush" this Christmas, it would be the opportunity to prove his critics wrong, secure a deciding victory and retain his title in his second fight of the year.

    If only this was Back to the Future.

17. Nate Diaz

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    A Smile

    Can somebody please get Nate Diaz a smile for the holidays?

    It's not hard to package and it literally comes with no re-gift potential.

    However, Diaz may sock you in the mouth or throw you in a triangle choke if you try to get him to move his cheeks at all.

    Seriously, is this guy ever happy?

16. Chael Sonnen

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    A Rematch

    Chael Sonnen needs a rematch with Anderson Silva.

    He realistically beat down the middleweight champ for four and half rounds in their first meeting, and would presumably do the same next time around.

    While Sonnen probably doesn't allow mythical holiday characters into his home, Santa Claus may be the one guy who can bypass that type of security.

    And by Santa Claus, I mean Dana White.

    Mark Munoz? Really?

15. Dan Henderson

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    New Teeth

    Maybe you haven't noticed, but Dan Henderson has no front teeth.

    When you think about it, it's pretty self-explanatory considering the guy gets clubbed in the face for a living, but how long could you personally go without replacing your much-needed front choppers?

    They're the captains of your mouth.  The anchors, if you will.

    Hendo needs to take some time off, drive down to Dr. Dentist, and get some serious work done before he even thinks about fighting Jon Jones.  Because by the end of that fight, he might not have anything left.

    Chew your food before you train, Dan.

14. Mark Hominick

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    A Stopwatch

    For as long as it takes you to read this, it took Mark Hominick just as long to get knocked out at UFC 140.

    Well, maybe a little longer than that.

    Regardless, if "The Machine" had thought it through and ran a stopwatch from the start of the bout, he'd be able to exactly calculate how long it took Chan Sung Jung to secure the KO victory.

    Think seven seconds. 

    I wonder how long it took Hominick to leave the cage and re-enter his locker room.  I guess we'll never know.

13. Minotauro Nogueira

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    A New Arm

    I wonder if Minotauro Nogueira is going to be able to open up his gifts on Christmas morning.

    Is that too mean?

    Whatever, he brought it upon himself.  How long can you legitimately last before you tap out?  I know the guy is a legendary Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu practitioner, but come on dude, was it worth breaking your arm over?

    You were going to lose anyways.  Frank Mir is a beast.

    If "Big Nog" had it his way, Santa would bust through the front door with a new right arm.

12. Michael McDonald

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    A Time Machine

    At this point in his career, Michael McDonald has enough talent and an awesome gift of raw power to win the UFC bantamweight title.

    The only problem?  He's 20 years old.

    Unbelievable, right?

    McDonald is one of the only guys at 135 lbs. that can knock out his opponents at such a small weight.  If he had his chance at using a time machine, he'd be able to bypass the useless fights over the next year and wormhole his way to a title shot against Dominick Cruz.

    Did you see what he did to Alex Soto? 

    Man, he probably should have bought that dude some Babybel cheese as a simple peace offering.  You know, those little cheese wheels that come in red plastic.

11. Roy Nelson

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    A KFC Bucket

    Roy Nelson probably eats so much food on Christmas Day, it's ridiculous.

    I'm talking roast beef, steak, potatoes, yams, corn, the whole nine.  But can you blame him?

    It clearly doesn't affect his Octagon skills.  Nelson would be just as good, and he is, if he weighed 180 lbs. compared to his usual 265.

    No matter what the critics say, the belly is here to stay.

    I'm more than willing to chip in and get Big Roy some good old KFC chicken for the holidays.  You down?

10. Gilbert Melendez

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    A UFC Contract

    I would pay to be there when Gilbert Melendez opens up a gift from underneath the Christmas tree to find a UFC contract in a JCPenney's box.

    I love when people trick you like that.

    Anyways, I realize Melendez is the commander and chief of Strikeforce right now, but what guy doesn't want to compete at the highest level?

    Please, somebody convince Dana White to sign this guy.  He's nuts.

9. Urijah Faber

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    A Longer Reach

    Oh, Urijah Faber, if only you had a slightly longer reach.

    I feel like Faber asking for a longer reach is like the the lion asking the wizard for courage.  But this isn't The Wizard of Oz, and Faber's first name easily resembles something Christmassy.  So it makes sense to put him on this list.

    If "The California Kid" gained just a little bit of reach, he might have been able to defeat bantamweight champion Dominick Cruz and his lunging strikes back at UFC 132.

    However, he will still have his chance to prove that the smaller guy has enough ability as the bigger guy when these two meet again sometime in 2012.

8. Gray "The Bully" Maynard

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    A New Nickname

    Does Gray Maynard really deserve the nickname "The Bully"?

    He recently got tagged by a smaller and weaker Frankie Edgar at UFC 136, losing yet another opportunity to capture UFC lightweight gold.

    For Christmas, I'm thinking Maynard should ask Santa for a new Octagon catch phrase.

    Maybe something like "The Guy Who Gasses After Round 1"?

    Who knows.

7. Lyoto Machida

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    An Oxygen Tank 

    Please, everybody back up.  Give this man some room.

    I wouldn't be surprised if Lyoto Machida was still trying to catch his breath from the standing guillotine he suffered at the hands of Jon Jones at UFC 140.

    It looked like someone took his helmet off as he was collecting some Mars samples.

    If "The Dragon" is considering making an Octagon appearance sometime in 2012, he may want to loosen up his Christmas turtleneck and catch some air

6. BJ Penn

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    A Tee Time

    Now that BJ Penn is retired, he probably has a lot of time on his hands.

    But besides becoming a guest writer for Bleacher Report (check him out), the ex-lightweight champion probably doesn't know what to do with himself.

    In enters the most recreational sport for lazy, out-of-shape, kart-driving retirees.

    Golf.

    Even though Penn is neither lazy, nor out of shape, I'm sure Hawaii has a lot of nicely mowed greens.

    Lets just hope he knows the difference between a five-iron and a kimura.

5. Jon Jones

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    A Weakness

    I'm thinking somebody needs to get Jon Jones a weakness for Christmas.  The guy is too good.

    While this specially wrapped present doesn't benefit Jones and his pound-for-pound greatness, it could potentially level the playing field in the light heavyweight division.

    Consider it a gag gift.

4. Anderson Silva

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    A Rejuvenation Tank

    While Anderson Silva is still the pound-for-pound king in the world of MMA, he's not getting any younger.

    That's why this Christmas, I'm giving "The Baddest Man on the Planet" a rejuvenation tank.

    Because at the age of 36, Silva may not be around long enough to see his sport reach mainstream America stardom.

    Simply put, he should do anything and everything to slow down the aging process.  As a matter of fact, he should probably ask Bob Barker what the deal is.

3. Frankie Edgar

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    An Event in Jersey

    UFC 78 was the last time Frankie Edgar fought in his home state of New Jersey.

    Considering he has defended his belt in two straight fights, I think it's time the UFC gives Edgar what he deserves.

    Just imagine how many greased-up tan guys would be fist pumping as the champ made his way to the ring.

    It would be bonkers.

2. Brock Lesnar

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    An Alistair Overeem Nap

    Is there a more perfect gift for Brock Lesnar this Christmas than an Alistair Overeem snooze?

    I don't think so.  A victory over Overeem would launch Lesnar back into title contention in the heavyweight division and dispel any concerns people have about his recovery from diverticulitis.

    I realize their fight comes on the eve of New Year's Eve, but how great would it be to see Lesnar step into the Octagon, land a couple of rights, and put Overeem to sleep?

    Following that bout, Overeem's New Year's resolution could be to avoid Lesnar at all costs.  In the supermarket, at the movies and especially in the cage.

1. Alistair Overeem

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    A Ticket Home

    Just send this dude home now.

    Honestly, Alistair Overeem wears more sweaters than both of my Grandmothers combined.

    The guys just oozes arrogance, and frankly, I hope Brock Lesnar beats it out of him.

    So for Christmas, Overeem is getting a first-class ticket back to Europe.

    Actually, make that coach.  He can experience dead legs and sore backs like the rest of us.

    Happy Holidays!

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