Tim Tebow to Come to San Francisco? Rapture to Follow

Paul WardContributor IIIMarch 19, 2012

Tim Tebow to Come to San Francisco? Rapture to Follow

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    OK. Now the best of all worlds. Peyton gone; Smith, AWOL. Harbaugh to be brought up on charges of going out of character, and not in a good way. Baalke to get a name change because it sounds a little too much like bukkake. Also, someone needs to recheck his Wonderlic score. He was supposed to take the one for acumen, not charm.

    That’s OK. No quarterback? Tim Tebow’s ready to go. Why not. You think that’s crazy? Imagine him in the Red and Gold, in the Sodom and Gomorrah. In the house Montana built. On the field where Romo was king.  

    This will completely change the fanbase: The lines at KSFO will be glistening with calls from Terry on a cell phone from Fremont trying to figure out how to accept this. Man of god is good; winner is good. But there's something the matter. Something doesn't feel right.

    Every Sunday in the fall is going to become Pagan Pride Day at the 'stick. Fans will come out just to boo. But at the same time, people from Nob Hill and Burlingame will come out just to cheer, to say "we're with you." Thrill of victory, agony of defeat; it will mean nothing.

    If you thought San Francisco had become just another boutique city, another assisted-living community with no kids, no firemen who live in the district and Mirkarimi for sheriff...weird days are here again. You can put the Haight back in Ashbury. 

    And thank you, Jerry Rice and Steve Young, for encouraging us down the drain. 

    It all seemed so simple, didn't it? We’ll just get Peyton Manning in here, even though everybody knew he wanted to stay in the AFC. Even though we all suspected this would not be a match made in heaven with Harbaugh. Even though Smith had finally delivered on a promise. Even though you knew that Peyton had a great relationship with John Elway, who could not conceal a gag reflex whenever somebody went down into the Tebow crouch. 

    Can you imagine how happy that man is right now? His golf score has to go up 20 points.

    “That man ought to be knighted?"

    Are you kidding? That man ought to be Christed.

    And if you thought the public in Denver wanted Tebow, they did. They did until they didn’t. Just like here.

    Meanwhile, Smith is trying out his El Dolphins jersey, and he’s looking around for anybody named Harbaugh to be his caddy as the real estate agents show him houses in Coral Gables. Feel the love.

    “And if a Mr. Jim Harbaugh calls, take a number. And if it's the front office and they say they can’t wait, they need to talk to me right away, tell them I’m getting a shoulder massage. And if they say they’ll accept the money I asked for, say ‘there must have been an error, he'll only accept twice that.’ And if they say, ‘oh let bygones be bygones,’ tell them they are bygones. And if they apologize and plead and beg, tell them to candlestick it…"

    Now, let’s get back to Tim Tebow. If you don’t remember him with intensity, in among all the other tweets, I’ve included a few snips down memory lane.  

    One other thing. Just for the hell of it: Look at Montana’s smile and then look at Tebow’s smile. Do that now. And then think who was running the show then and who’s running the show now. And how "the business" works and how greed works. And how we all have no one to blame but our fickle, loyal-less selves. 

The Miami Miracle

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    Completion Percentage: 48.1

    NFL rating: 91.7

The Oakland Miracle

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    Completion Percentage: 47.6

    NFL rating: 98.1

The Kansas City Miracle

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    Completion Percentage: 25

    NFL rating: 102.6

The New York Miracle

4 of 7

    Completion Percentage: 45

    NFL rating: 61.3

The San Diego Miracle

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    Completion Percentage: 50

    NFL rating: 95.4

The Minnesota Miracle

6 of 7

    Completion Percentage: 66.7

    NFL rating: 149.3

The Chicago Miracle

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    Completion Percentage: 52.5

    NFL rating: 68.3