WWE News: 9 Worst Things of 2011 "Bring out the Gimp Edition"

Stephen Sonneveld@@S_SonneveldCorrespondent IIIDecember 5, 2011

WWE News: 9 Worst Things of 2011 "Bring out the Gimp Edition"

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    In celebration of the fact that I'm working on a sober, research-heavy, labor-intensive article about the wrestling industry, and also the fact that my Photoshop crashed, please enjoy this holiday nugget. As opposed to a standard "worst-of-the-year" article, this slideshow satirizes our favorite pastime* and features the eight-bit glory of free-to-download GIMP software (the artistic results are everything the name implies).

    And now, to drive up hits in the search engines, here's The Rock, John Cena, CM Punk, Randy Orton, Chris Jericho, the Undertaker, Stacy Clooney and Dwayne Gill.

    Just to be fair, here's TNA. Although, let's face it, Dwayne Gill probably has more followers. Thanks, Russo.

    *Well...second favorite pastime.**

    **Unless your last name is "Hardy," in which case wrestling is probably your fifth or sixth favorite pastime.

Don't Be a Bully or Sheamus Will Find You

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    In April, WWE and the Creative Coalition launched their "be a STAR" campaign to end bullying.

    There's nothing funny about bullying.

    But I every time I watch this PSA on WWE TV, I can't help but think that if you don't stop bullying, Sheamus will personally come to your school and flush your head down the toilet until you start treating the other kids with respect.

    Of all the reasons not to be a bully, I see no reason why that one shouldn't be added to the list.

Jim Ross Accidentally Treated with Respect on RAW

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    Stamford, Conn., December 5, 2011 – On a recent edition of Raw (Mondays on the USA Network, 9-11 p.m. ET / 8-10 p.m. CT), broadcaster Jim Ross was referred to as a "WWE Hall of Famer" and "the best commentator in the business" as well as "beloved by the paying public."

    WWE wishes to publicly apologize to any viewers who might have been offended by the treatment of Ross in a favorable light, and reassures the WWE Universe, 1) that was not the intention, and 2) those comments were made without the approval of our producers (we were hacked).

    In accordance with WWE policy, our programs will continue to berate, demean and make the BBQ pitchman the "butt" of unending juvenile humor.

Milkin' It

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    This is an early GIMP effort and casts R-Truth, one of WWE's breakout stars of 2011, in a "got milk" ad, which no one has ever parodied before.

    His milk mustache looks like it was done with all the subtle artistry of Perez Hilton.

    The almost unreadable text states: "It's a good R-Truth who drinks his milk to build strong bones and healthy teeth...or is it all a conspiracy to spread dairy addiction into my neighborhood? Yeah, see, it's a CONSPIRACY - No! It's a COW-spiracy to keep Lil' Jimmy lactose dependent!"

Religious Leaders Praise Portrayal of Women on Wrestling Shows

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    Dateline: SYRIA – Religious leaders across all faiths reached common ground this holiday season, praising how American wrestling programs portray women. "For the past few millennia, religious storytelling pretty much had cornered the market on providing degrading portraits of women to the masses," said one leader. "But sure as their race caused mankind to flee Paradise, we are heartened to see that the doe-eyed exhibitionism of Salome, and the sexual connivery of Delilah, among others, lives on in full blossom on WWE and TNA TV!"

    Rather than label all their wrestlers equally on air as Superstars, WWE separated its female performers into the Divas class, billing them as strong and sexy—an emphasis never placed on the company's male stars. A second religious leader chimed in, "We very much appreciate how the men are promoted based on their character traits, while the women have no characters, and are instead sold on their sex appeal, like in every single other form of entertainment. The female wrestlers are little more than eye candy, supported by broadcasters doing a heavy breathing routine throughout their two-minute matches. Brilliant!"

    TNA cleaved its female roster into the Knockouts division. Once, during the well-booked David versus Goliath feud of Gail Kim against Awesome Kong, the division consistently drew the company's highest ratings. 2011, however, saw a talented crew of performers involved in mind control slavery, sexual favors in return for power, being forced to wash the cars of the men on the roster, and a shrieking female executive who books lingerie bowls because the "perverts" who watch their show demand it.

    "In my religion," another leader remarked, "we force our women to cover up. But I applaud the decision to make the women remove their clothes, because it reinforces—especially for all the young girls watching—that women are corruptible, and should be treated as objects and slaves, not people."

    Ah, men.

Is Mark Henry's Ice Cream Bar Made with "Sexual Chocolate"?

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    That's the joke, folks!

    Thanks, Russo.

Triple H vs. Broomstick Confirmed for WM28!!!

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    Thanks to www.wrestlemarkia.comnet:

    Hints of the fewd [sic] were first dropped weeks ago when COO Triple H claimed on Raw that he could get a better match out of a broomstick than with most of the wrestlers on the roster, a comment which greatly inspired locker room morale.

    The story continued last night on Raw, when Triple H was injured after opening a broom closet that was boobie-trapped [sic], like in an old cartoon.

    Head writer Brian Gerwitz convinced Vince McMahon that the match with Broomstick could be used to promote the upcoming video game crossover between WWE '12 and Kingdom Hearts [sick].

    Expect a cheap finish, though, to set up Broomstick versus Sledgehammer at Backlash.

Randy Orton Downgraded to 2nd Generation Wrestler

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    In light of recent facial expressions, WWE.com has retconned Randy Orton's biography from being the son of "Cowboy" Bob, and the grandson of Bob Orton Sr., to being the son of Bushwacker Luke. Or is that Butch?

Competing Cena Chants End in Tragedy

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    The Daily Bugle is reporting today that a Mathletes competition in West Newbury, MA ended in disaster after the sudden appearance of a rampaging hulk.

    Tensions rose during the final round of the competition between 12-year-olds John Cena and David "Bruce" Banner. Cena's supporters heartily chanted, "Let's go Cena!" only to be answered by an equally vocal, "Cena sucks!"

    Despite the tempestuous atmosphere, young Cena kept his poise and scored high marks. By all appearances, it was a good showing for the West Newbury Mathlete, but that didn't stop hecklers from grousing that he kept using the same "five algorithms of doom."

    The emotional reactions dumbfounded Cena's coach. "I just don't understand," he told the Bugle. "John's a good kid, and one of the hardest workers we've got. Maybe I play him a little more than the other Mathletes, but when he's on the lineup, we make more in ticket sales than in a hundred bake sale fundraisers. And I make a mean rum cake."

    Poor Banner had difficulty matching his opponent's composure. According to his coach, "Bruce is a sensitive boy, and he got a little anxious, is all. At first, he was bolstered by the competing chants. But his confidence was quietly shot once he realized the people weren't cheering him—they were cheering against Cena."

    Driven to tears, Banner ran off the stage just in time to avoid the rampage of a raging, orange hulk who kept bellowing that he in fact was the greatest Mathlete of all time. The auditorium was quickly evacuated, but the horror was recalled by a witness: "He kept yelling something about being Babe Ruth, whoever that is."

That's Enough Punishment for One Year

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    Thanks for reading! Before you have a safe and Happy Holidays, be sure to check out these last-minute gift ideas at wweshop.com!

    DVD - WWE'S GREATEST RIVALRIES: The Chris Jericho "brand" vs. Terry Funk's brand. Audiences usually vote for the Funkster so that he doesn't set them on fire.

    GEAR - John Morrison's abs. He really did have them to spare! Available in packs of 6, 12 and 15.

    BOOK - Michael Cole's Dealing with Internet Addiction. From the introduction: "During 2011, I was obsessed with finding out what was trending on Twitter every five minutes. I even began mentioning it on TV and tweeting during broadcasts. Needless to say, it turned off a lot of viewers and adversely affected my role as color commentator. Or am I the play-by-play man? We don't even know anymore."

    Thanks, Russo!