Dateline: SYRIA – Religious leaders across all faiths reached common ground this holiday season, praising how American wrestling programs portray women. "For the past few millennia, religious storytelling pretty much had cornered the market on providing degrading portraits of women to the masses," said one leader. "But sure as their race caused mankind to flee Paradise, we are heartened to see that the doe-eyed exhibitionism of Salome, and the sexual connivery of Delilah, among others, lives on in full blossom on WWE and TNA TV!"
Rather than label all their wrestlers equally on air as Superstars, WWE separated its female performers into the Divas class, billing them as strong and sexy—an emphasis never placed on the company's male stars. A second religious leader chimed in, "We very much appreciate how the men are promoted based on their character traits, while the women have no characters, and are instead sold on their sex appeal, like in every single other form of entertainment. The female wrestlers are little more than eye candy, supported by broadcasters doing a heavy breathing routine throughout their two-minute matches. Brilliant!"
TNA cleaved its female roster into the Knockouts division. Once, during the well-booked David versus Goliath feud of Gail Kim against Awesome Kong, the division consistently drew the company's highest ratings. 2011, however, saw a talented crew of performers involved in mind control slavery, sexual favors in return for power, being forced to wash the cars of the men on the roster, and a shrieking female executive who books lingerie bowls because the "perverts" who watch their show demand it.
"In my religion," another leader remarked, "we force our women to cover up. But I applaud the decision to make the women remove their clothes, because it reinforces—especially for all the young girls watching—that women are corruptible, and should be treated as objects and slaves, not people."