Addressing the WWE Universe: Morrison, Punk, Cena and Other Random Thoughts

"

Don't call it a comeback. I been here for years, rockin' my peers and puttin' suckas in fear.

                                    ~ LL Cool J

"

I can neither confirm nor deny whether my recent absence from "the game" was due to smoking synthetic marijuana along with Evan Bourne and R-Truth, but I can tell you that I've been initiated back into the writing fold once again. I can only hope my inevitable burying by upper management doesn't reach the levels of John Morrison's.

Speaking of John Morrison, the following video is disturbing on so many levels. Hilarious, but disturbing while raising important questions.

Is that a boy? Or a girl with a sweet mustache? What is that hypnotic pelvic dance the lead singer is doing? Could the drummer look any less enthusiastic? Why does everyone from the '70s look so slimy? These questions need to be answered!

Whether or not Mr. Morrison has officially been given the boot out of the WWE kingdom isn't the question. I could honestly care less about this topic, but it got me and my friend thinking.

What are the levels of being buried within the WWE?

My Friend: So now that CM Punk is champion, you think all the talk of him being buried and losing momentum will stop? Or will the backlash from fanboys from him inevitably losing it cause the world to explode?

Me: I think we need to define the term "buried" because it gets thrown around a lot with no direct reasoning other than "Well, if someone loses, then they're obviously being buried." This is both an asinine (word of the week) statement, as well as completely incorrect.

Here are the levels of being buried within the WWE.

Level 1: The CM Punk/Zach Ryder

This is when a superstar is clearly shining brighter then he should be at the moment. Kind of like when you see a light bulb go out, there's a huge bright pop followed by darkness. This is easily fixed by replacing the bulb.

WWE clearly couldn't ride the momentum wave these two created without bringing it back down to earth and repackaging it in a nice, safe, comfortable "status-quo" box. This is not being buried! This is what happens when the WWE strikes gold and then needs time to decide how to harvest every last penny out of it.

Level 2: The Randy Orton

When a superstar who has been at the top for nearly a decade takes a much-needed backseat ride by allowing others to share the spotlight. This is not being buried. This is doing your due diligence to the company that made you a star. My girlfriend insists that Orton is getting buried. She is wrong.

Level 3: The Sheamus

Whoever thought it was a good idea to have the "Celtic Warrior" literally dress up like one by wearing a cloak and a crown should have been buried along with Sheamus. This is what happens when the WWE completely screws up a character. Lord of the Rings was popular back in 2001-2004. It would have been tolerable then, but now it looks cheesy and ridiculous. 

In hindsight, Sheamus was being buried. His raw talent and charisma were being overshadowed and weighed down by his ridiculous character. He deserved to lose looking like a rejected extra from Lord of the Rings.

Level 4: The Wade Barrett Effect

When a superstar explodes onto the scene and is given the world, it's only inevitable that their explosion will eventually be fanned out. Once the Nexus story arc died down, so did all of Barret's momentum. 

We all knew Barrett would be given another shot at the top spot, but with nothing to fully sink his character into, the company elected to have him lose...a lot. His run with the Corre was laughable. Him losing to Ezekiel Jackson clean by tapping out to the "Torture Rack" (a move that actually looks quite comfortable) was the bottom floor. 

The WWE learned something important with their use of Barret and Mark Henry. They don't need a good gimmick or story arc to get someone over. All it takes is for a big-time superstar to "do the deed" and put someone over. 

It's truly amazing what happens to the level of competition and overall product when superstars (Orton, Cena, Punk, HHH) lose cleanly! Why does this not happen more? I watched The Rock, Stone Cold, Foley, Triple-H, Jericho and Michaels all lose cleanly for years. What the hell happened that's so different now?

Level 5: The John Morrison Death Sentence

This is what happens when you're clearly overrated, lack charisma, have a psycho ex-girlfriend, have a lame slow-motion entrance, and are continually called the "Prince of Parkour." I'm sorry if you're offended, but this is the definition of being buried. When you used to be a famous name and now you barely show up on television, and when you do show up...you lose.

Level 6: The John Cena

 When Cena loses cleanly multiple times in a row, two things will happen.

1.  Watch the movie 2012 starring my boy John Cusack to get a better understanding.

2. The IWC will rejoice in a way that I can only picture to be similar to this.

This, of course, will never happen, but it's a nice thought. 

And now for some random thoughts.

Random Thought #1

Survivor Series was a damn good pay-per-view. It's hilarious when you get a lively, electric crowd like the one in NYC. I'll say it again, but certain cities are built to host wrestling events and some are not. Madison Square Garden is the ultimate host and, in my humble opinion, should host all big events.

If your city sounds terrible on television, then you should be banned from hosting a televised event ever again. A lively crowd is equal to the performers of a match.

Random Thought #2

How funny was it to see Daniel Bryan win the World Heavyweight Championship only to have it stripped for an actual legitimate reason? Could you imagine a world where Punk is the WWE champion and Bryan is heavyweight champion? Talk about an IWC Christmas wish list.

In all seriousness though, Bryan is on his way to becoming champion relatively soon. It's nice to see others get the spotlight that for forever has been shined on Cena and Orton. This has always been my one wish and it's nice to see it happening.

But seriously, how funny was it to watch him have to hand the title back to Teddy? Holla!

Random Thought #3

Speaking of Daniel Bryan, I'm on record of not being his biggest fan, but lately he has won me over in convincing fashion.

No, not because he's one of the better wrestlers on the roster and not because he has a ridiculously sweet beard (these are givens), but because he's the perennial lady's man of the WWE. The Bellas, Gail Kim and now A.J.? 

As Booker T would so eloquently say, Awww Shucky, Ducky!  

Daniel Bryan's new music should be officially changed to Jay-Z's "Big Pimpin'." This is not a joke.

Random Thought #4

How bad did John Cena look during the main event at Survivor Series?

I'll let my friend's post-match rant do the talking for me.

My Friend: Listen, I'm all for the WWE trying to make The Rock look good, but for the love of Tim Tebow, did they have to make Cena look like such a (expletive deleted)? He gets beat around for the whole middle portion of the match just to tag in The Rock so he can do his greatest hits and get the victory. What lame booking! Words can't even describe to you how upset with the creative I am at this particular moment.

In all fairness, he's absolutely right. Creative dropped the ball for this match, but in all honesty it doesn't really matter. It was a way to display Cena and The Rock together to advertise WrestleMania—nothing more and nothing less. The match was lame only made memorable by its premise, the crowd and the fact that John Cena got his candy ass whopped all over Madison Square Garden.

Random Thought #5 

Does Zack Ryder look like Bradley Cooper? 

Random Thought #6

So CM Punk is now our champion. I guess that means he's not winning the Royal Rumble. If Punk's not in line to win it, you know who is? The Miz.

Punk vs. Miz for the WWE Championship is not only the strongest way to sell the WWE to those outside it's tiny bubble, but it actually makes the most sense. Trust me on this. My girlfriend's roommates and most of my family and friends have no idea who John Cena is, but mention the Miz and almost all of them say, "Oh, the guy from The Real World."

This, of course, is all null and void if Chris Jericho comes back. A Punk and Jericho feud at this stage of the game would be tremendous, and I can't honestly sit here and tell you I wouldn't be excited for that.

Random Thought #7

While we're on the subject of Punk, it's only a matter of time before he falls victim to the dreaded "Five Moves of Doom". Every superstar in his prime position, especially as champ, had them so please don't start crying when you see the following moves done in succession each and every match:

1. Sweet looking neckbreaker

2. Flying clothesline from the ropes

3. High knee into running bulldog

4. The Macho Man elbow drop

5. The "Go To Sleep"

It's no different from Cena's, Orton's or anyone else from that thing called the "Attitude Era." I'm putting the official stop to all complaining in advance because neither me nor the rest of theInternet wants to hear people being hypocrites.

Random Thought #8

No one cares about the following people (if you do then you are the minority, which is completely cool; just know that you are the minority): Mason Ryan, Brodus Clay, Hunico, Sin Cara, Heath Slater and, sorry to say, R-Truth and Alberto Del Rio. I am in the minority for Del Rio. 

Random Thought #9

Yep, I still hate Kevin Nash.

I know they want me to care, but I just can't bring myself to right now. I know that come Rumble time when these two hopefully lace it up for a "street fight" (PG style of course) I'll be mildly interested to see it, but as of right now I'm not buying the whole "I thought I had a friend, but what I got was a boss" thing.

Random Thought #10

WWE 12 looks legit. It's just a shame that no one has thought of experimenting with QTE (Quick Time Events for all you non-nerds). Seen in such games such as Uncharted, Shenmue and Heavy Rain, this kind of game play would allow the action to flow freely much like the televised version. No more button mashing along with much better production and matches to be apart of.

How would this work? I don't know. I don't make video games for a living. Ask someone else; It's just an idea.

What's Shenmue, you ask? Only one of the greatest games ever made that will never have an ending because people like you didn't buy it, so its production on the sequels got cancelled! You should be ashamed!

Random Thought #11

Just got a sweet collection of old-school wrestling cards handed down to me from my girlfriend's dad. I was thinking about selling them, but all 250 of them probably have the combined worth of $30. I'm just going to keep them and use them as a tool to teach my kid one day about the history of the WWE. I can't be the only one who now owns these, right?

Random Thought #12

How come The Rock and John Cena have yet to star in a movie together! Who is making the marketing decisions for the WWE who hasn't had this happen yet? I'm thinking something along the lines of Heat, The Other Guys or Big Mamma's House.

The question wouldn't be Who would pay to see that?

The question would be Who wouldn't pay to see that?