10 Things World Football Wants for Christmas

OK, it's early. Really early. It's not even December yet for goodness sake. We haven't even had the Coca-Cola ad that officially launches Christmas in England these days.

But if football really wants the best gifts of the season, we need to get that list off to Santa sharpish—or risk the kind of bitter disappointment known by every football fan who doesn't support Barcelona these days.

Dear Santa, here are 10 things the beautiful game could really use this Christmas.

1. The End of Sepp Blatter

Dear Santa,

Here are a few things the most powerful man in football has said over the years. Hopefully you'll agree, it's time he disappeared from the game.

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"Let the women play in more feminine clothes like they do in volleyball. They could, for example, have tighter shorts." - Blatter on women's football

"He should say that this is a game. We are in a game, and at the end of the game, we shake hands, and this can happen, because we have worked so hard against racism and discrimination." - Blatter on how to deal with racism in football

"I think in football, there's too much modern slavery in transferring players or buying players here and there, and putting them somewhere." - Blatter comparing Cristiano Ronaldo's transfer demands to slavery

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2. An American Superstar

Dear Santa,

It was supposed to be Freddy Adu, but it doesn't look like that's happening.

What football could really use is an American superstar to spread the gospel of the game, and help conquer the biggest territory we've yet to dominate.

It's all very well sending aging European stars to the MLS, but I'm not convinced that's sending the right message to the good people of the US of A.

3. Another Mourinho

Dear Santa,

Thanks again for Jose Mourinho. Coaches get so much air time these days, and we can't tell how much we appreciate a personality like The Special One keeping us entertained. Remember when he predicated the entire Barcelona lineup in 2005? Or when he called Barcelona a "small team."

Anyway, the thing is we need another one—and it's not Andre Villas-Boas. What we need is an impossibly cocksure coach with some serious swagger. And we need him to go head-to-head with Mourinho.

4. A Decent World Cup

Dear Santa,

It wasn't South Africa's fault. They were great hosts and did everything they could to make the greatest show on earth...well, the greatest show on earth.

But it didn't really work out that way, did it? A good deal of the games were boring and there was a lack of momentum that left us longing for the heady rush of Germany 2006.

It's Brazil next, and I know it's still three years away, but is there anything you can do to make sure we're suitably entertained? One idea would be to convince certain teams to stop playing so negatively. And others to stop trying to play like Spain.

5. A Maverick Genius

Dear Santa,

We really can't thank you enough for Lionel Messi. The little guy has become pretty much unstoppable for Barcelona and his attitude can't be faulted either.

The same is almost true for Cristiano Ronaldo. OK, he pouts too much and in England we still haven't forgiven him for winking at the 2006 World Cup, but he's still a footballing god of his time.

What we really need though, is a football genius with a touch a madness thrown in. We need a maverick—part Zinedine Zidane, part Diego Maradona, part Eric Cantona. We need some personality, Santa.

6. Video Technology

Dear Santa,

Being English, I have rather strong feelings about video technology. Here's why.

OK, I'll admit England were rubbish for the entire 2010 World Cup and probably would have lost anyway against Germany, but that's not the point.

The point is, why not cut out ridiculous mistakes by deploying technology we already have available? They say it's coming, but I won't believe it until it happens, and what if Michel Platini takes over from Sepp Blatter before then?

I'd like goal-line technology everywhere, and also the potential to rule on penalty decisions and red cards, too.

7. A New Financial Model

Dear Santa,

I failed economics at school, so I'm not best placed to address the financial turmoil in football. But it's pretty clear something's awry when "four in five" Premier League clubs are operating at a loss.

The UEFA financial fair play rules are set to come in next season, but I'm not sure they're the answer. As Martin Samuel pointed out in the Daily Mail, they could actually have the opposite effect to that desired.

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"What UEFA did by going further and linking spending power to generated income was effectively outlaw new money coming into the game to upset the established order. City then had a deadline in which to join the elite or be left behind," Samuel wrote.

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The suggestion here, is that UEFA may well have made it impossible for a new club to rise to prominence, and that surely can't be right. We need a solution, Santa. Get your thinking Santa hat on.

8. An Answer to Barcelona and Spain

Dear Santa,

While it's been great watching Spain and Barcelona keep the ball for almost three years solid, football could really use an answer to tiki taka right now—and it's not somebody trying to do it better (impossible).

The response needs to be a fast-moving, direct and aggressive approach. It's time for the football powerbase to shift, and somebody else to get a taste of glory.

9. An Authentic TV Show

Dear Santa,

Football is the most popular sport on the planet, so surely there's a market for an authentic, original television series?

It's yet to be made. I give you Footballers' Wives and Dream Team as evidence—two shows so bad, they were almost good. Movies like Goal! and Bend it Like Beckham missed the point, too.

What we need is a TV series that includes speeches like this one, and this one. Get it right and tens of millions will watch it.

10. A Euro 2012 Fairytale

Dear Santa,

I think I've made it clear I don't want Spain to win Euro 2012. They've already bagged two major tournaments in a row, and it's time for another nation to prevail in Po-kraine next summer.

I'd rather it wasn't Italy (too boring) and I certainly don't want a repeat of Greece's success in 2004 (nice fairytale, but not exactly the attack-minded celebration I had in mind).

Here's what I'd like. Call me crazy, but I want Republic of Ireland to reach the semi-finals. Their fans are amazing, and they are still owed big-time for this. Wouldn't it be great if they beat France in the quarters? On penalties.

As for the winners, clearly I'm going to ask for England—I know it's far-fetched, but we've been through hell in this country and surely the fans deserve a reward for keeping faith all these years? We promise Rooney will behave (once his ban ends), and we might even surprise you if Jack Wilshere returns to work his magic in midfield.

What's that, you say? Not possible? Well, let Germany have it then. They're the most exciting team in Europe right now.