Takin' a T/O With BT: The NHL and It's Twelve Dreads Of Christmas

It's that Holiday Season and chances are if you've stumbled into a mall, street corner, or gradma's house within the past month and a half, you've probably heard or seen the signs of Christmas.

The music, the bright shiny colors, the mass amount of Christmas baking that your mother doesn't let you touch because it's going to the neighbours and your house's supply won't come for another week—it's all there.

With Christmas comes the memories of the past year and the expectations of a New Year, and for some reason the number 12 is prevalent: 12 Days of Christmas, Twelfth Night by Shakespeare, and the twelve Wise Men (nine of which were delayed by the Economic crisis and upon their arrival the manger had been deserted thanks to massive layoffs).

But with the expectation of the best, we also get the worst come the new year, so instead of using the "12 Days of Christmas" as a theme for joyous hockey-related material (because who really wants ten pairs of shin guards and eleven Sidney Crosbys?), Bleacher Report now presents you with:

The Twelve Things that if they happened the NHL would undoubtedly crash (days of Christmas) or Terrible Things that can Happen Over the Course of Chanukah (Hanukkah—there are two spellings online), Kwanzaa, Ramadan, or at that Time at the End of the Month Where Everyone is Celebrating Something but you Aren't By Personal Choice and Would Prefer Not to Have Anything Forced On You, to the NHL.

Thanks to Bleacher Report's legal department for that last part of the title.

1. Sean Avery Owns a team, coaches a team, or plays for one of the Montreal Canadiens, Washington Capitals, or Pittsburgh Penguins

Just think about this for a second: A man with no filter on his mouth, who seeks out offensive quotes, and is probably doing about as well in anger management class as Adam Sandler was in the first half of Anger Management would own a team.

The chain of events would probably look something like this:

1. Sean Avery buys the Dallas Stars.

2. Avery moves the Stars to Seattle to extract his revenge on Dallas for being the team that initiated his freeze-out of the NHL.

3. Avery renames the team the "Seattle Sloppy Seconds" in honour of his love of alliteration.

4. Avery trades for Dion Phaneuf and a handful of French-Canadians as he finds irony to be enjoyable.

5. The team folds due to poor attendance numbers thanks to a questionable name and curious jumbotron ads such as "Want to date a successful NHL player? Come up to the box and have dinner with Sean. Three weeks later you'll net Sidney Crosby", and Avery ends up interning at Starbucks.

Not corporate office. A Starbucks.

If Avery coached a team it'd be just as bad, maybe worse. Team owners you can ignore (unless they're one of Al Davis, Jerry Jones, Ralph Wilson, or Mark Cuban), coaches you can't.

Avery would be schooling young NHL'ers everywhere on the art of screening a goalie with your face, being "quotable", and ostracizing yourself from your peers.

If he played for either the Canadiens, Capitals, or Penguins then he's just tarnished the reputations (by association) of the games two brightest stars (possibly four if you count Evgeni Malkin and Alexander Semin) and he's also discredited the entire history of Les Habitants, and the NHL's epic plan to swing the vote for the Canadiens in the NHL All-Star game will definitely fail.

2. The Montreal Canadiens miss out on the playoffs

The Canadiens currently aren't in any danger of this (they're only four points out of eighth but have a game at hand on the Sabres and they're also six points up on Florida) but this has to be a possibility the NHL has encountered.

With the way that the 100th Anniversary of the Canadiens is being pushed and marketed, the team needs a spirited playoff run (if not a Stanley Cup) to cap off this season so that the NHL can prove to everyone it can market something other than Sidney Crosby and Alexander Ovechkin.

If the Canadiens weren't to make the playoffs this year, then the campaign misses out on playoff merchandise (and the revenue that comes with it) as well as fans' thoughts that the 100th season ended like the other 75 that the Habs haven't won a cup in— disappointment.

Playoffs are always a big deal, but in Montreal this year, if they don't make it, the riot will be a month long.

3. Brian Burke turns the Leafs into a cup contender

Hey don't get me wrong, I'd never turn this down, but the rest of the NHL might.

Just when they were getting their new stars to market post-lockout, the old cat comes hobbling back in.

When people should be talking about the Anaheim's and San Jose's and Buffalo's of the world, the Maple Leafs (and Maple Leaf Nation) would be back at the forefront, stealing all the attention back.

That and I'll be the first to admit that Leafs fans can usually be jerks—especially when the Buds are on top.

Give us two more years on the bottom; then maybe we'll be cordial about our success.

4. Mats Sundin keep holding out

This would just be funny: Sundin finally narrows his decision down to two teams and he takes another month or two to decide where he wants to go.

The stupid "saga" has taken the league (and the front page of TSN) hostage long enough.

Kind of makes me wish he signed with Minnesota like he did in my version of NHL'09.

5. The Boston Bruins continue their success

Now on the surface this seems like it'd do wonders for the league. The possibility of an all-Original Six Eastern Conference final between the B's and the Habs, all of the Original Six teams doing well (fiscally...and most standings-wise) at the same time, and the possibility that Don Cherry will get to talk about something other than the Leafs or hits from behind for the first time in forever.

But there's been something throughout history (or at least the past 34 or so years) that's dictated how the Bruins do.

Jeremy Jacobs.

Jacobs has been widely accused as the reason why the Bruins never remain competitive, as whenever they attain "superteam status" he sells off his assets in hopes of keeping the team " competitive yet cheap" and Milan Lucic looks to be the next in line for a Joe Thornton-like trade out of town.

Trading promising youngsters, signing middling talent, and settling for an average team has been a trademark of the Bruins' for some time, with many fans starting online movements to get Jacobs to sell the team (If I had $240 million I'd buy them in a heartbeat).

Now that the B's are competitive again, the NHL will have to monitor the situation because there's no telling how long this might last.

6. The Columbus Blue Jackets or Atlanta Thrashers win a Stanley Cup

First of all, let's get one thing straight: I have nothing against these two teams. Both have players that I like, their logos are pretty cool, and they have intricate jersey designs when they aren't trying to make a third jersey.

But if either of these teams were to win a Stanley Cup, the league would face sheer lunacy.

Suddenly with that Cup win, Gary Bettman sees potential in these other markets in the Mid-West United States.

Oklahoma gets a team. Kansas City gets a team. Cleveland gets a team. The State of Florida gets a third team.

Granted some of these locales aren't necessarily bad ideas, but not when the teams in surrounding areas are struggling to gather fans.

If a Stanley Cup goes to a strange market, it's all over. Gary Bettman has renewed faith in his newest teams, passionate owners like Jim Balsille will be overlooked in favor of people wanting a share in a niche market, and Canada doesn't get another team until 2035 when the NHL crashes into the Cross-Canadian (And Northern US) Hockey League (CC(ANUS)HL) presided over by Alan Bass.

On second thought, maybe we should change the name.

7. No players from teams other than Pittsburgh or Washington win a scoring title

Currently Evgeni Malkin leads the scoring race, followed by Sidney Crosby.

Last year it was Alexander Ovechkin followed by Malkin.

In 2006/07 Sidney Crosby led the way.

Next year it looks like we're on pace for Alexander Semin to stay healthy and win a scoring title. The year after, Jordan Stall (or Crosby or Malkin). Then maybe Nicklas Backstrom and from there, who knows?

Maybe Pascal Dupuis or Miroslav Satan is in line for an Art Ross trophy at some point.

8. Hitting from behind increases in frequency and viciousness

This is just bad—something needs to be done about this to at least keep it from happening too often.

Change a rule, implement a penalty, do something.

Steve Moore broke his neck thanks to an unpredictable event. This is predictable and, whether it's part of the game or not, needs to be tempered.

9. Tampa Bay sucking enough to get John Tavares

Apparently Tampa Bay liked the route Pittsburgh took to get to the top of the NHL the last few years so they're trying it for themselves.

With the jury still out as to whether or not Steven Stamkos can be a superstar in this league (there are plenty of people saying yes and a few people saying no), a lineup flooded with average players who are either traded, released, demoted, or allowed to pack up and go home at some point during the season, and a league-worst 22 points (tied with Atlanta and the New York Islanders), the Lightning are in prime position to pair the top two picks from consecutive drafts on a line together.

All of this after they spent more than the National debts of America and Canada combined this past summer on free agents.

Apparently money can't but you happiness, but it can (in a roundabout way) get you another 1st overall pick in an NHL Entry draft.

10. Tim Thomas and Brett Leonhardt giving "Old Guys" hope

And people thought only the legendary goalies stayed at the top of their game into old age.

Sometimes guys are just like a fine wine.

Alright, so Leonhardt's "NHL Action" was more by circumstance than by talent, and Thomas has certainly earned his way to the NHL, but if this kind of success keeps up, we may see an influx of 30+ year old goalies, much like we see so many Finnish and French-Canadian goalies.

Who knows, Steve Passmore may still be in line for that Vezina trophy.

11. The Trickery of the shootout specialist

Ladies and gentlemen, if this keeps up much longer the NHL will have found itself with a new epidemic.

It's called "players who thrive in a shootout, earn themselves a practical role with a team and then proceed to offer nothing to the team's success for the remainder of the contract".

The two latest victims are Mathieu Garon (having an average 5-6-0 season with a 3.02 GAA and a .894 save percentage after finishing last year), Erik Christensen (top-three in shootout goals the past two seasons and is lucky to score more than 25 points in an NHL season), and Jussi Jokinen.

Soon enough, NHL teams will pay specialty players to merely shoot during the shootout, only allowing coaches to ice 11 competent players, lessening their chances of actually making it to a shootout.

Realism. It's sweet ain't it?

12. Alexander Ovechkin and Sidney Crosby are in the same conference

Sure it's fun now when they can match up four times a season, but what about playoff time? With the way the Eastern conference stacks up from year to year, the chances of them actually meeting for a matchup within the conference are few and far between.

On top of that, you can never have a Crosby vs. Ovechkin Stanley Cup showdown now—which is what everyone wants to see, and it's the perfect way to punctuate their rivalry.

I think it's about time for a mysterious division realignment don't you?

So there you have it: Twelve weird and dreaded thoughts amongst the NHL brass and it's fans nine days before Christmas. All you have to do now is enjoy the holidays wherever you may be.

Unless you're Sean Avery. In which case you'll be singing Kum-Bah Ya in a straight jacket somewhere.

Bryan Thiel is a Senior Writer and an NHL Community Leader for Bleacher Report. If you want to get in contact with Bryan you can do so through his profile and you can also check out all of his previous work in his archives.