NFL Betting Week 9: San Francisco 49ers -3.5 and 4 Other Locks
The last time I spoke with grandpa, he gave me five NFL games to bet on last week. We needed five grand to bail him out of county jail. It didn’t work. We went 2-3 with our picks; pops is still behind bars for insurance fraud. To make matters worse, now I owe his bookie O’Hara a thousand dollars, plus the vigs. Grandpa called the house earlier today from county, and, as always, came up with a plan.
Me: “I’m glad you called, Pops. O’Hara stopped by today and was asking for his money.”
Grandpa: “Don’t worry about O’Hara. I arranged for someone to take him away on a little ‘vacation’ for a while.”
Me: “Okay pops, but I’m pretty sure this phone call is being recorded.”
Grandpa: “Listen, I don’t have time for nonsense, kid. This is what we’re gonna do. Are you listening?”
Me: “Yes, pops.”
Grandpa: “There’s another bookie I know from around town. His name is Sammy.”
Me: “That the same Sammy who got busted for stealing people's mail a while back?”
Grandpa: “Yep, that’s him.”
Me: “Pops, how do you meet these people?”
Grandpa: “We used to hang with the same group of broads back in the day. He’s been in and out of jail since he turned 18, and I married your mother. Not sure which one of us turned out better.”
Me: “You and mom got along just fine until you pawned off her wedding ring three years ago.”
Grandpa: “Anyway, call up Sammy and bet five more games for Sunday while I hold off O’Hara for a week or so. I need to get out of here, kid. I’m saving up some money by hustling the guards in poker but I still need four grand.”
Me: “So we need to go 5-0. Four grand for bail and another one for O’Hara.”
Grandpa: “Ain’t you the bright one? Let me ask you this, kid. Who are the worst three teams in football right now?”
Grandpa: “Bet against ‘em all. A thousand each.”
Grandpa: “And give me the Giants. All the guys in here love watchin’ Eli play.”
Me: “Pops, you sure you wanna bet against New England two weeks in a row?”
Grandpa: “Have I ever steered you wrong, kid?”
Me: “Hundreds of times. Like last month when you tr—”
Grandpa: “Well this ain’t gonna be one of them. New York plus the nine.”
Me: “I hope this turns out better than your idea of getting into the Meadowlands with a fake ticket that had the wrong date and opponent on it.”
Grandpa: “That wasn’t my fault, kid. I had the right team on the ticket. The wrong team showed up to play.”
Me: “Right. Listen pops, Sammy is a dangerous guy. What are we gonna do if this doesn’t turn out right?”
Grandpa: “We will worry about that when the time comes. Hey kid, did I ever tell you how good the meatloaf is in here?”
Me: “I remember that meatloaf. Every Thursday night.”
Grandpa: “We need one more game.”
Me: “Chicago and Philly over 47 on Monday night.”
Grandpa: “I’ll call you after that game is over, kid. Be ready.”
Me: “You got it, pops.”
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