Patriots Still Pretty Perfect, Tom Brady Still Hot...and Human
Damn, it must feel good to be a Manning.
Two years in a row they stomped out Mr. California Cool. Peyton did it last year in the AFC Championship game. Eli did it this year in front of millions of people at the Super Bowl.
No wonder Gisele was hitting that red wine hard. Another Manning proved to the world that her boyfriend is a human being. But here’s the thing New England, you need to stop crying. It’s not that the Patriots were that good; it’s that you are that good. You think it’s easy to go 18-0? 16-0, no problem. Even Jamie Lynn Spears went 16-0. 17-0, cakewalk. A bunch of Floridian mammals did it back in ’72.
Going 18-0? Pat yourselves on the back!
Do you really think that as soon as the game was over every woman in the world said “Ew, Tom’s so ugly. I’m soooo into Eli now.” Then we proceeded to call Randy Moss and told him to go back to Minnesota where he can go continue making illegal left turns. Can you hear that? It’s the sound Bill Belichick sewing the sleeves back onto his hoodie. Listen closely; you’ll be able to hear Donte Stallworth on the phone with Sean Payton trying to weasel his way back into a black and gold uniform.
Did the loss to New York turn your perfect season to crap? No.
Records were broken this season. Goals were set and achieved. Franchise tags were placed. Even my mother knows who Asante Samuel is! So stop your bitching and accept the fact that you lost the Bowl of all Bowls by three points. You still made history.
Brady got sacked five times during the Super Bowl. Why? Because for the first time all season, he was vulnerable. Although an ankle injury didn’t stop Plaxico Burress all season, it took its toll on Tom Terrific.
And oh, New England you just assumed you were going to win, didn’t you? Shit, even the Giants assumed you’d cream them. Rightfully so, up until that point the entire nation figured you were created in some government experiment. But the truth came out on February 3rd.
I never thought I’d say this, but take a cue from Brett Favre. Here’s a guy who plays football and actually enjoys it. Here’s a guy who get sacked and then shakes the hand of the defensive player who knocked him down because he loves football.
Dear Patriots, it’s time you sat back and reflected on how awesome you are, I guarantee you’ll experience a foreign feeling. It’s called happiness and that weird thing your mouths are doing, that’s called a smile.
You spend the entire season eating humble pie only to shove it on our faces when Uncle Bill walked off field a few seconds early. What happened in that locker room? Did Teddy and Junior lay the smack down on Tom? Did Randy rip out his cornrows in frustration?
We all know what happened in Big Blue’s locker room. Strahan shot celebratory fireworks out of his gap, Tyree made out with his helmet, Eli and Plaxico held each other and shed tears of joy and Shockey suited up discreetly and was all like “What are you talking about? I played the entire game.”
Engineering great scoring drives in the final moments of the fourth quarter to win games are Brady’s bread and butter. On Sunday, bloody Sunday, the Giants took away his knife and gave it to Eli.
Was it the biggest upset in NFL history? Hell no. The Patriots weren’t invincible, just tired and human. It happens, get over yourselves. You’re phenomenal athletes, skilled football players and the 2007 season was one heck of a show.
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