I wrote a list comparing every NFL team to Halloween candy. And I hope you enjoy it, because most of you are too old to be getting dressed up to be going door to door for trick-or-treating. Although if you're a practicing Jehovah's Witness, that would be delightfully ironic.
Teams are listed in alphabetical order. That just seems fairest to everyone.
Too many of these at once and you just wind up with a bellyache.
What better way to describe the ascension of Ray Rice this season?
They look best in their more traditional wrappings, and (this year, anyway) they taste great.
Colorful. Endearing. Usually enjoyed by folks with tooth damage.
Over the last 50 years, they really haven’t changed much, and they’re still pretty good.
Geez, lady. Why don’t you just get out of the house and spend a little money on something I can eat?!
Not really candy, and the taste of them is just gross, not to mention the sight of them.
Like the Cowboys fanbase, it serves classic tastes, but it’s mostly made up of nuts.
They’re a lot easier to chomp when you have big teeth.
“Maybe this is the year they’ll actually be good.”
They were great. They were awful. Now they’re great again.
Just like the Cowboys in a lot of ways, just different packaging.
Just look at Peyton Manning on the sideline this year. That works on more than one level.
They work for about 10 minutes and then they’re just worthless.
They try to act like real chocolate, but they just can’t quite pull it off.
You could wear it, but you’ll just look like an idiot.
Stale, bland and all of the jokes in there are getting old.
I have no idea who would be handing out Godiva chocolate for Halloween.
Once you get some water on them, they’re actually pretty enjoyable.
They taste great to a lot of folks, but they’re mostly just sugar.
You get a lock of mouth crackling for not a lot of payoff.
These are always special, even with Jason Campbell in the vicinity.
They’ve already melted, so who knows how they’ll taste in November?
I hate mint. And I hate the Pittsburgh Steelers.
They’re mostly full of air...and they look better in their traditional pastel colors. In other news, there are actual Halloween Peeps now.
Because they’re “red-hot!” Get it? Wow, I just died a little inside when I wrote that.
Sometimes it’s awful candy, but sometimes it’s really awful candy.
I would not want to put either of these in my mouth.
The orange ones are the worst. The red ones usually taste good.
When I think of nougat, I think of professional football in Nashville.
They usually taste awful year after year, but there’s something about them just being there that reminds us of the season.