All 32 NFL Teams As Halloween Candy

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I wrote a list comparing every NFL team to Halloween candy. And I hope you enjoy it, because most of you are too old to be getting dressed up to be going door to door for trick-or-treating. Although if you're a practicing Jehovah's Witness, that would be delightfully ironic.

Teams are listed in alphabetical order. That just seems fairest to everyone.

 

Arizona Cardinals: Butterscotch

Too many of these at once and you just wind up with a bellyache. 

Atlanta Falcons: Life Savers

They were never really that good, but never really that bad, either. Also: Tony Gonzalez once saved a man from choking in a restaurant. No, that man was not Tony Romo.

Baltimore Ravens: Starburst

What better way to describe the ascension of Ray Rice this season?

Buffalo Bills: Hershey’s Kisses

They look best in their more traditional wrappings, and (this year, anyway) they taste great.

Carolina Panthers: Jolly Ranchers

Colorful. Endearing. Usually enjoyed by folks with tooth damage.

Chicago Bears: M&Ms

Over the last 50 years, they really haven’t changed much, and they’re still pretty good.  

Cincinnati Bengals: That Handful of Pennies

Geez, lady. Why don’t you just get out of the house and spend a little money on something I can eat?!

Cleveland Browns: Those Fake Wax Lips

Not really candy, and the taste of them is just gross, not to mention the sight of them.

Dallas Cowboys: Baby Ruth

Like the Cowboys fanbase, it serves classic tastes, but it’s mostly made up of nuts.

Denver Broncos: Rolos

They’re a lot easier to chomp when you have big teeth.

Detroit Lions: Bit O’ Honeys

“Maybe this is the year they’ll actually be good.”

Green Bay Packers: Now and Laters

They were great. They were awful. Now they’re great again.

Houston Texans: PayDay

Just like the Cowboys in a lot of ways, just different packaging.

Indianapolis Colts: Lemon Heads

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Just look at Peyton Manning on the sideline this year. That works on more than one level.

Jacksonville Jaguars: Whistle Pops

They work for about 10 minutes and then they’re just worthless.

Kansas City Chiefs: Hershey Bars

They try to act like real chocolate, but they just can’t quite pull it off.

Miami Dolphins: Candy Necklace

You could wear it, but you’ll just look like an idiot.

Minnesota Vikings: Bazooka Gum

Stale, bland and all of the jokes in there are getting old. 

New England Patriots: Godiva Chocolates

I have no idea who would be handing out Godiva chocolate for Halloween.   

New Orleans Saints: Atomic Fireballs

Once you get some water on them, they’re actually pretty enjoyable.

New York Giants: Smarties

They taste great to a lot of folks, but they’re mostly just sugar.

New York Jets: Jaw Breakers

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You get a lock of mouth crackling for not a lot of payoff.

Oakland Raiders: Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups

These are always special, even with Jason Campbell in the vicinity.

Philadelphia Eagles: Milk Duds

They’ve already melted, so who knows how they’ll taste in November?

Pittsburgh Steelers: Junior Mints

I hate mint. And I hate the Pittsburgh Steelers.

San Diego Chargers: Halloween Peeps

They’re mostly full of air...and they look better in their traditional pastel colors. In other news, there are actual Halloween Peeps now.

San Francisco 49ers: Red Hots

Because they’re “red-hot!” Get it? Wow, I just died a little inside when I wrote that.

Seattle Seahawks: Dots

Sometimes it’s awful candy, but sometimes it’s really awful candy.

St. Louis Rams: Laffy Taffy

I would not want to put either of these in my mouth.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Nerds

The orange ones are the worst. The red ones usually taste good.

Tennessee Titans: 3 Musketeers

When I think of nougat, I think of professional football in Nashville.

Washington Redskins: Candy Corn

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They usually taste awful year after year, but there’s something about them just being there that reminds us of the season.