Be a Friend to Roger Goodell

JP FrederickCorrespondent IDecember 2, 2008

Roger Goodell is not one of us, make no mistake. The 30 tons of makeup applied to him hourly can’t hide his true figure: a sub-human voodoo chieftain with 15 eyes and 300 teeth, anointed to his job by the mob & government & Disney in a closed ceremony at Warren Buffet’s Geneva mansion.

Goodell is a creature to be discussed in cautious circles, among true friends, Only...for there is no telling when he is near or when he will strike in many respects he is just another common lawyer in 21 Century America, and is as trivial as the dandelion.

However, even though common lawyers are useful when crossing state lines, they are still as meddlesome as a moral taxi driver at four in the morning.

Roger Goodell is not just a common lawyer. He is the commissioner of the National Football League.

Here is where the troll becomes a problem.

A sports fan has always asked for few favors: full effort, spread covering, and not having to question the integrity of the sport. Professional baseball and basketball have just begun to slightly regroup after the steroids and Donaghy setbacks, and in that same vein, Goodell’s inconsistencies will begin to affect professional football. 

Not to the extent of those other infamous debacles; nothing short of an attack by the Manning family on Cape Canaveral could end America’s football jones.

But when 789lbs. Grady Jackson does not receive a suspension for taking steroid-masking-bulimia pills and 788 to 791lbs. (depending on which media guide you use) Pat Williams gets suspended for taking steroid-masking-bulimia pills, it makes a fan question the logic of the Commissioner.

And his track record was muddy already. 

Last year, it was discovered that the New England Patriots and head coach Bill Belichick had been filming the opposition’s practices, hand signals, and wives for years. Goodell disregarded and destroyed the evidence. Goodell fined Belichick; but he did not suspend Belichick, a man widely regarded as a guy who could make a Pro Bowl linebacker out of a carpenter. 

They lost a first-round pick, but the Patriots can make do with that. Could they have made do without Belichick?

Pacman Jones had a steamy, months-long affair with the law but was convicted of nothing. He served a one-year suspension last year for that. He was suspended six games this year after a friendly fight, where no charges were filed, something any stockbroker can relate to.

Denver Broncos receiver Brandon Marshall had a passionless, months-long arranged marriage with the law that included a guilty plea to driving while impaired. He was suspended for three games this year, but that was reduced to one game—the first game of the year.

Jacksonville Jaguars receiver Matt Jones was found guilty of cocaine possession in July, something any stockbroker can relate to. He is still playing football and hasn’t been suspended this year. He will probably be suspended shortly, though. The tin-foil-hat crowd would point out that Jones will be suspended after the Jaguars’ season is, for all intents and purposes, over. 

And that Marshall’s suspension occurred before the Broncos’ season had, for all intents and purposes, began. And that the Vikings won’t secure their current playoff spot without Pat Williams—and Kevin Williams, who was also suspended for being a dim glutton who didn’t know his bulimia pill concealed steroid use. 

Or that the Patriots were America’s team for a minute, and Pacman Jones was America’s boogeyman for those exquisite, steamy months.

Republican strategist Lee Atwater believed that professional wrestling was the only honest sport, and situations like this don’t help any.

There is nothing wrong with suspending someone for taking banned substances, even if by accident, or suspending someone for being Pacman Jones. There’s nothing wrong with finding compassion for a drunk driver, or delaying a suspension so due process can ensue...if you are a common lawyer preaching in court, but not when you are the commissioner of a professional sports league, when decisions need to decisive and similar.

Pat and Kevin Williams, the Saints trifecta, and the Texans' long snapper should have been suspended weeks ago; just like Matt Jones & Grady Jackson. Brandon Marshall should have received a Chris Henry-like, half-season suspension. Bill Belichick’s fate should have been too gruesome for history books.

In each of these cases, an argument could easily be made that Goodell made the correct decision. But it is these little irregularities that make one pause. It has taken him too much, or too little, time in practically every case to make a decision and have the punishment handed down. 

Then the punishments don’t seem to fit the crime, or match the punishments of a comparable instance.

And this causes one to take further measure of a league where a quarterback can drop the ball and it is called an incompletion, or a safety can return a fumble only to have it called back because of an illegal forward pass.

Hopefully Goodell works out these slight kinks during his dictatorship.

Then least Goodell has not suspended a player for talking about someone getting his leftovers. That would be a bizarre thing for a Commissioner to do.