It is the eve of battle. Tomorrow, the 2011 Arizona State football season begins.
The Sun Devil players shuffle in and take their seats in the auditorium. From a hazy mist, the great general walks onto the stage, and a hush falls over the crowd.
Now, I want you to remember that no player ever won a game by bleeding for his team. He won it by making the other poor dumb player bleed for his team!
Men, all this stuff you’ve heard about Arizona State not deserving a ranking, of being overhyped, is a lot of hogwash. Sun Devils constantly rise to crush their opponents. All real Sun Devils love the crack of shoulder pads.
When you were kids, you all admired the 1987 Rose Bowl champions, the fastest running backs, the All-Pac 10 quarterback, the toughest linebacker. Sun Devils love a winner and will not tolerate a loser. Sun Devils play to win all the time! I wouldn’t give a hoot in hell for a player who lost and laughed. That’s why Sun Devils have never eased up and will never give up. Because the very thought of losing is hateful to Sun Devils.
Now, this group is a talented. The offense, defense and special teams, all are dynamic. This unranked stuff is a bunch of crap. The Internet hacks who wrote that stuff about rankings for their pretentious websites don’t know anything more about real college football than they do about writing factual reporting.
We have the finest uniforms and facilities, the best attitude and the best players in the Pac-12. You know, by God I actually pity those poor teams we’re going up against. By God, I do. We’re not just going to outscore the opposition, we’re going to break their very spirit and use their tears to water Frank Kush Field. We’re going to knock them into the trainer's room by the bushel!
Now, some of you boys, I know, are wondering whether or not you'll choke under the bright lights of Sun Devil Stadium. Don't worry about it. I can assure you that you will all execute the game plan. Those other schools are the enemy. Smash into them. Crush their quarterbacks. Juke past their defenders. When you put your hands onto the ball that a moment before was thrown to you...you'll know what to do.
Now there’s another thing I want you to remember. I don’t want to hear any announcers saying that we're keeping it close. We’re not keeping anything close. Let the other teams do that. We are scoring constantly and we’re not interested in keeping anything close except our linebackers to their ballcarriers.
We're going to smash through their offensive line and we're going to sack him in the backfield. We're going to beat the hell out of them all the time and we're gonna go through them like Cameron Marshall through a cornerback!
There’s one thing that you players will be able to say when you have graduated. And you may thank Sparky for it. Thirty years from now when you’re sitting around your fireside with your grandson on your knee, and he asks you what did you do during the great 2011 ASU season, you won’t have to say, "Well, I played flag football at the SRC."
Alright now, you sons-of-Devils, you know how I feel. I will be proud to lead you amazing players into a game—anytime, anywhere.
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