How To Make The Oakland Raiders a Winner In 10 Easy Steps
The late, great Al Davis once said, "Just win baby." Under their current management, it looks like maybe they should go back and take a page out of Davis's book. Whoever is running this team now doesn't seem to have a clue.
If Al Davis were alive to see this, he would never stand for it. After clashing with former coach Lane Kiffin over the signing of certain free agents in the offseason, it now appears management would like to cut their losses after only half a season.
Al Davis had a long and distinguished history of honoring all his contracts. As with Mike Shanahan and Lane Kiffin before, I'm sure the Raiders will honor the long-term deals he gave to DeAngelo Hall and Javon Walker.
Giving up early is just not what the Raiders do. Art Shell can attest to that. And how about the "Brett Favres" of the franchise, the QBs who played game after game, year after year, fighting through adversity because of the unabashed enthusiasm and support of the front office. Aaron Brooks, Andrew Walter, Daunte Culpepper, the list goes on. True warriors in silver and black.
It's no question Jamarcus Russell will follow in those elite footsteps, but they are tough shoes to fill, even for his heavy feet. With that said, and all this great talent, in fact a surplus of talent, in place, here are ten more moves the Raiders should make before next week's game. Better hurry:
1. Fire Tom Cable. This guy is awful.
2. Hire back Bill Callahan to take the franchise back to the glory days of losing the Super Bowl and then falling apart.
Offer him a fat seven-year, $40 million deal to keep him locked up.
3. Immediately fire Bill Callahan.
You don't really like this guy anyway, remember when he lost the Super Bowl? Getting your hopes up and then having a letdown is worse than never getting there at all. Your fans would rather suffer through two-win seasons then Super Bowl losses. Plus, if you fire him now, you can buy him out for a slick $15 million, saving $25 million off his original contract. Good thing your financial advisers know their stuff.
4. Hire back Tom Cable.
He may be terrible, but at least he's a company man.
5. Release DeAngelo Hall and Javon Walker.
Look, they've had a full eight games to prove themselves, and the team is not doing well enough. If only Lane Kiffin hadn't protested against their signings, it wouldn't have hurt their feelings and made them perform so poorly. Psychological warfare is a powerful thing, and it appears Kiffin unleashed it on these poor guys.
6. While we're at it, how about releasing Marques Tuiasosopo, Darren McFadden, and Nnamdi Asomugha now.
Tuiasosopo is costing you dearly in printing costs. I'm sure we could find a back-up QB with a nice four-letter last name to save you some money on that one.
McFadden has been here eight games and you still suck, get him out of here.
Asomugha—can you imagine how much money this guy is going to ask for after the year? He's your best player for crying out loud! Better to get him our of here now before he causes problems by asking to get paid.
7. Sign Jeff George.
This is just the kind of air-it-out QB Al Davis would have wanted if he were still with us today. Let him play two years while Russell sits and waits. George could get this team to the promised land. Remember, back in 1997, his last full year with the team, he threw 29 TDs. That's production you can't buy.
8. Fire Tom Cable.
He's been here long enough. Time for fresh blood.
9. Hire Frank Caliendo to be the head coach.
There's a lot of reasons why this is a good idea. First, he can impersonate John Madden, the greatest head coach in Raider history. This is probably better than actually being Madden, because he can break out of character when necessary.
Secondly, he can impersonate Al Pacino. This means that every halftime, he can give Pacino's halftime speech from Any Given Sunday . That has to account for an extra four wins a year.
Third, he does those commercials for Dish Network. Everyone knows a satellite dish gets more HD channels than (Tom) Cable.
10. Sprinkle Al Davis's ashes on the field before the next game.
It's what he would have wanted. Plus, as you saw in the World Series with Tug McGraw's ashes, it could bring good luck.
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