Super Bowl? What Super Bowl?

When Lawrence Tynes made the field goal in OT at Lambeau Field to send New York to the Super Bowl, I turned to my boy Swaney and said, “Well, I ain’t watchin’ that Super Bowl.”

Never mind the fact that I’m unbelievably tired of the whole Boston-New York feud.  It’s not even about that. 

It really comes down to the two quarterbacks.  Let’s start with Tom Brady. 

First of all, he’s a Michigan grad, and I’m a Buckeye, so you obviously know I have to root against him.  Plus, I’ve taken way more of him than I should have ever been asked to take. 

I know, I know.  He’s a great player.  But frankly, I’m sick of hearing his name.  I’m sick of watching him stand back in the pocket for five minutes until he finds an open receiver.  I’m tired of his dumb northern Midwestern accent.  And I’m at my limit with his queer typical-white-guy celebrations when he throws touchdown passes. 

In short, get the %#*& outta my face, Tom Brady. 

Now, since I can’t root for Brady, then I guess I have to root for the other team right?  Uhh, WRONG.

If you think I’m gonna sit there and hope ELI MANNING does well, then you might want to put down your favorite crack-pipe. 

Watching Eli Manning’s on-field antics is, in my estimation, the equivalent to being tied down and forced to watch Roseanne Barr and Tom Arnold’s wedding sex tape. 

I mean, can this guy whine and bitch and moan any more than he does?  Can he throw any more temper tantrums when his receivers drop his passes?  What is he, a $#@*&% six-year old kid??

I just will not sit there and look at his dumb face.  I will not!  Nobody can make me do it! 

Of course, the quarterbacks have the ball a lot and will be on camera the most.  Consequently, I refuse to look at either of these clowns. 

Finally, my last reason for not watching? The game is on FOX.  If I have to hear Joe Buck’s voice one more time, I literally might just have to jam a pair of scissors into both of my ears until I go deaf. 

Hey uh, FOX: What is your inexplicable obsession with this guy?  I mean, he does EVERY game.  Get over Joe Buck already.  There are plenty of other announcers available who actually don’t make us all want to jump off bridges.  Go get one of 'em, please. 

So, if you choose to watch this Super Bowl, that’s your problem.  I myself have more important things to do—like my taxes, watching Canadian soap operas, and swimming naked in raw sewage.