I'm having trouble coming up with reasons to watch this year's Super Bowl.
Maybe it's because I'm a Bears fan and wanted to commit hari-kari after Rex Grossman couldn't tell his ass from a hole in the ground in last year's embarrasing loss to the Colts.
Maybe it's because I'm a midwesterner, and am moving to Greenland if a team from Boston wins another championship.
Maybe it's because I'm a fan of the game of football and would rather donate both kidneys and my liver than see Eli Manning win a Super Bowl.
And yet, I'm still going to watch. Why? Well, because it's the Super Bowl, and the only other thing on is likely to be ice skating on ESPN2 or Men in Black on USA, HBO, and AMC. So, I guess I'm stuck watching the Giants and Patriots battling for the right of most obnoxious fans.
If the Patriots win, expect to hear a nasaly sound emanating from Massachusetts that sounds like "OH MY GAWD I LOVE TAWM BRADY ALMOHST AS MUCH AS JAWNATHAN PAPELBAAAWN!"
If the Giants win, expect to see confrontational New Yorkers wearing blue walking around threatening to knife you if mention how they wanted Tom Coughlin fired before this year.
Anyways, let me run down a list of three ways to make the Super Bowl enjoyable this year:
1.Ride to your Super Bowl party on a horse, then let it loose inside the establishment where you're watching the game.
Think I'm crazy? First of all, it would be totally badass to ride a horse to a bar or a friend's house. Secondly, if you let it inside, it probably will freak out because of all the bright lights and loud sounds of Fox's overproduction of the game, and hilarity will ensue. It'll kick some people, crap all over the place (sorry, I said a horse, not Lindsay Lohan), and, most importantly, distract everybody from watching the game. So, 20 years from now, the people you were with will remember Super Bowl XLII not as the game that began the downfall of the NFL, but as that one insane Sunday night where that nutjob let a freaking horse loose.
2. Mute the TV and hire Gus Johnson to do commentary for you and your friends.
Bob Dole could do a better job announcing the Super Bowl (or World Series, for that matter) than Joe Buck. Eli Manning could throw a 50-yard game-winning hail mary to Plaxico Burress and Buck would still find a way to make that about as exciting as Pride and Prejudice. Now, if you hire high-strung CBS NCAA basketball announcer Gus Johnson to do commentary, that would make this unbearable game somewhat watchable. Johnson doesn't need a last-second hail mary to go absolutely insane. There could be a three-yard checkdown pass to Brandon Jacobs and Johnson would call it as follows:
"MANNING...DROPS BACK...UNDER PRESSURE!!! HERE COMES WILFORK! MANNING SCRAMBLES...FIIIIIIREEEESSS!!! AND IT'S COMPLETE TO JACOBS! OH, AND HE'S BROUGHT DOWN AT THE 33 YARD LINE BY TEDY BRUSCHI! WHAT A PLAY BY MANNING TO GET RID OF THE BALL!"
Heck, Johnson wouldn't even have to be limited to flipping his sh*t about the game. During commercials, he could comment on how your buddy got up to get more chips, only to find that there were no more chips in the house,
"AND NOW, MIKE GETS UP...GOES TO THE KITCHEEEEEEN!!! AND, NO!!! THE GROUP HAS FINISHED THE CHIPS!!! WHAT A TURN OF EVENTS HERE AT THE FRANKLIN RESIDENCE! THE CHIPS, WHICH WERE IN ABUNDANCE THREE MINUTES AGO, HAVE DISAPPEARED! I DO NOT BELIEVE IT!
3. Watch the game from international waters.
If The Simpsons has taught me anything, it's that life is more fun in international waters, or "the land that law forgot." If you were watching from this lawless area of our planet, you could put the game on (satellite TV, of course—thanks Peyton!) and do whatever the hell you want to entertain yourself. I know cockfights are illegal in the United States, but once you get out into international waters...how about a cockfight between a chicken wearing a tiny Eli Manning jersey and a chicken wearing a Tom Brady jersey? I bet the chicken with the Manning jersey would end up managing a better quarterback rating than the real Eli Manning.
(Note: I do not approve of cockfighting or animal cruelty in any way—so back off, PETA!)
Yeah, so these three ideas are either 1) Illegal, 2) Expensive, or 3) Illegal and expensive. But, in this case, you'll have to go to great lengths on February 3 to enjoy the Super Bowl if you aren't a Giants of Patriots fan. Although I refuse to take any responsiblity if you hold a cockfight on international waters or bring a horse or Gus Johnson to your Super Bowl party. I'm just some random guy on the internet.
And if you're a Jets fan, I recommend just getting piss-drunk and not even watching the game. I mean, if I'm going to torture myself by watching this abomination of a game, I can't imagine how Jets fans will feel when it's a matchup between their city and division rivals.
Just keep in mind as you watch this year's horrendous Super Bowl that Spring Training is less than two weeks away (if you're a baseball fan), March Madness is just over a month away (if you're a college basketball fan), the NBA and NHL playoff races will start to heat up (if you're a basketball or hockey fan), and, of course, a new season of some crappy show is probably starting on FOX (you can figure that out for yourself when they plaster "House" ads across Tom Brady's ass during the fourth quarter).
Or, if you're a straight NFL fan, there's the Pro Bowl next...week...well, nevermind. You're screwed in that regard.
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