Cover Your Ears! the Top 10 Worst Songs Made by NFL Teams
Yes folks, this is what the lockout brings. Sportswriters are feeding off scraps at the moment. We have nothing new to write about, therefore we are forced to go to depths we would never usually consider, to write about anything remotely related to sports.
You see, around this time last year, the topic of most articles around the NFL were based on teams getting ready for training camp or any injuries that may have developed or the how a team is coping with learning a new offence or defence.
After spending quite a lot of time on YouTube watching clips and highlights to fill my football cravings, I stumbled across music videos. Now, I'm no Simon Cowell, but they were awful. I genuinely wonder what was going through their heads when they made these videos, because they're embarrassing! Without any further ado, I present the worst football music videos unfortunately known to man. Enjoy!
Honourable Mention: Glasgow Diamonds—We Are the Diamonds
Now America, I can tell you that not all teams in the United Kingdom create these songs. However, this is quite possibly the best video on YouTube. Lyrically, this is abysmal. Lyrics such as "There is no way out, you wanna look at a map? You trapped by the Diamonds, Dig our rap!" will make John Lennon turn in his grave.
As far as I am concerned, the man playing the piano is one of the scariest people I’ve seen and, as someone has already pointed out in the comment section, why is there a man playing the Saxophone when there isn't any Saxophone in the music?
The ridiculous music video which involves an open-top bus around the rainy city of Glasgow and features the Diamonds offense running a tight-end reverse. I rest my case.
Honourable Mention: Hi Five—Let's Go All the Way
That's right. Kellen Winslow. John Jefferson. Leroy Jones. Charles DeJurnett. Fred Dean. Credit to them for not associating themselves with the Chargers, they actually thought up a name for the group, though the "Hi-Five" might not be the most imaginative name for a band with five members.
No, these guys actually released an album, entitled "The Other Side of Us." However, they do not make the list for the reason that you can hear the passion in their voices when they sing. It's like the second coming of the Rat Pack!
Side Note: Fred Dean's verse might just be the greatest piece of music I have ever heard. I recommend you listen to that part in particular. Also listen to John Jefferson's more-than-strange verse.
Honourable Mention: Deion "Prime Time" Sanders—Must Be the Money
Prime is good at many things. He's a Hall-of-Fame cornerback. He was a good baseball player. He is an analyst for NFL Network. However, music really wasn't his forte. For starters, I cannot understand a single word in this song, it just sounds like the mumblings of an egotist. As much as I would like to put this on the list, I can't for the reason that, as much as Prime would contest, he is not an NFL team. Sorry Deion.
And whilst we are on the subject of former Cowboys, I may be wrong on this but I remember Troy Aikman releasing a song called "Oklahoma Nights." I cannot find a video or mp3 file of this anywhere and there is no way I will spend money to purchase this. The same advice goes to you Troy: stay out of music and stick to football!
10. San Francisco 49ers—We Are 49ers
The San Francisco 49ers were the first professional football team to record a song, and they were entitled to. After winning two Super Bowls in the space of four years, they were undoubtedly the team to beat at the start of the '80s.
The reason this is not placed higher in the list is because they were champions. They were the team to beat. They had reached the top of the mountain. Unlike the rest of the teams on this list, they could proclaim that they were the best and nobody could dispute that. They took the spotlight and ran with that, which I have no problem with.
9. Philadelphia Eagles—Buddy's Watching You
You could hardly blame the Eagles. They had a head coach who was the mastermind to what many believe the greatest defence in NFL history. If it wasn't for the ridiculous amount of fog that descended onto Soldier Field on New Year’s Eve in 1988, who's to say the Eagles couldn't have gone all the way.
Anyway, back onto the song. Special mention must go to kicker Luis Zendejas who has absolutely no idea what is going on. His rhythm is completely non-existent and, whilst everyone else seems to have some confidence and swagger, Zendejas looks lost, to our hilarity.
8. Los Angeles Raiders—Silver and Black Attack
Whilst the Raiders were in L.A., chances were that they were going to be influenced by the movie star aura in Tinseltown. So in 1986, a few of the major stars for the Raiders came together to record "Silver and Black Attack." To our misfortune, these stars included defensive end Howie Long and linebacker Matt Millen. The phrase "We'll do our talking on the field" comes to mind, as they are horrendous rappers.
The style of the Silver and Black Attack is very similar to the Bears Super Bowl Shuffle, as in each member takes time to rap about themselves and what they do—at the end of each verse features the line "We wear the silver, we wear the black, we never retreat we always attack." As the Super Bowl Shuffle is the benchmark for all sports songs, they rank highly.
7. Seattle Seahawks—Locker Room Rock/Cuz the Blue Wave Is on a Roll
Seattle was the birthplace of guitar legend Jimi Hendrix. It was home to such bands as Nirvana, Alice in Chains and Pearl Jam. Seattle is a hotbed for musical talent. Then came the Seahawks. The music isn't the worst ever produced, the rhythm is kind of catchy. However, when you make a song and video, you need to back it up on the field. Does anyone remember the Seahawks record in 1985? It was 8-8. Their record in 1984 was 12-4. So they did have a reason to boast they were on a role, however, losing four more games than you did the year before isn't really how you want to follow it up.
6. New York Giants—We Are the New York Giants
Nothing strikes fear in the opposing team like stating who you are over and over again. We get it, you are the New York Giants. Combine that with awfully choreographed routines and repetitive music and you have the standard awful music video.
What perplexes me is why they decided that an empty Giants Stadium would be a good place to stage the video. If you're going to set it in a football stadium, at least be wearing your pads. Running out of a tunnel onto your home field in your street clothes to the sound of fake cheers is just embarrassing.
5. Cincinnati Bengals—Who Dey/Fear Da Tigers
The reason this is so high on the list isn't necessarily because the original song was bad. The reason this is on the list is because the Bengals decided that one "Who Dey" song wasn't enough. No, they had to make another one. This time, they acquired the help of one Bootsy Collins.
Now, Bootsy is a member of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. You wouldn't have guessed it from this song. The shouts and hollas of "crank it up fool" and "CINCINNATI ARE YOU READY?!" hurt my ears. The players who rap in the song should know better, especially in the year of 2005. It speaks for itself when Chad Ochocinco wasn't in the video and we all know what he would do for any publicity.
On the upside, I didn't hear any Super Bowl promises, which was wise for a Cincinnati team that has yet to win one.
4. Miami Dolphins—Can't Touch Us
As all of you should know, this song takes the music from the song "Can't touch this" by MC Hammer. MC Hammer was born in Oakland, California. A quick search of his Wikipedia page will show absolutely no relation to the city of Miami or the Miami Dolphins. So what on earth possessed Cory and the 'Phins to use this as the base for their song? At least all the other teams tried to make their song their own. Shame on you Dolphins, shame on you! What makes this song even worse is the very cheesy phone interview before hand to introduce the song. C'mon man!
3. St. Louis Rams—Ram It
The reason this song is especially high on this list is due to the title of the song. Ram it? Really? It sounds like the sexual innuendo lyric out of a misogynist's or male chauvinist's song. Surely they could have thought up a better name such as "We Are the Los Angeles Rams" or "We think Los Angeles will win the Super Bowl hopefully." In both cases, they state either who they are or what their intentions are.
Additionally, Jackie Slater was a very good offensive tackle, in the 20 (yes, 20) years he spent with St. Louis; he was a stalwart in the rams offense for three different decades. However, "Big Bad Jackie" admits that his rapping and dancing isn't good in his verse, which begs the question, why on earth is he doing it?
2. New England Patriots—New England, the Patriots and We
In retaliation to the Bears Super Bowl Shuffle, this was the pick up New England needed, whilst everyone was proclaiming there is no way the Patriots could win the '85 Super Bowl. Following the release of this song, as you could imagine, optimism was high. Now everyone was believing that the game could be won.
Lyrics included "The Bears are gonna get buried, New England will be number one" and "We'll beat the Bears 100 to three." New England was riding into the Super Bowl with a renewed outlook, they could win the game! They could beat the Bears, who hadn't allowed a single point against their two previous playoff opponents by a margin of 97 points.
They lost. Badly. At the end of the first half, they totaled negative-19 yards of offense. But at least the song was more successful than the Super Bowl Shuffle...
1. Dallas Cowboys—Christmas in Dallas
Yes, this actually happened. Christmas in Dallas. By the Dallas Cowboys. Because come Christmas time in Dallas, they don't really have anything to play for. Think about it. Why write a song to give hope to the fan base about how you are going to open a can of whoop ass this year when you can write a song about how downtown Dallas looks pretty when it is lit up. Genius!
For the life of me, I cannot fathom a reason for this song, or why the Cowboys are singing it. This was the Cowboys of the '80s. If it was the early '90s Cowboys with Irvin, Aikman and Emmitt I might be able to understand it. If it was the '70s Cowboys where they were winning Super Bowls, I could understand that too. But the '86 Cowboys? This was the year the Cowboys didn't finish with a winning record for the first time since 1965, the year before the AFL and NFL merger. They lost seven of their last eight games!
But at least Dallas looked nice come December time...