Super Bowl XLII Revisited

kevin wallContributor IJanuary 25, 2008

Hailed by fans everywhere as one of the strangest Super Bowls ever, the New England Patriots came from behind to win their fourth championship in seven years.

The game, although exciting, paled in comparison to the events preceding the big game. Starting two weeks prior, in a bizarre series of events, Patriots owner Robert Kraft requested, on behalf of head coach Bill Belichick ,the New York Giants be disqualified from competing in the game.

Coach Belichick defended the request based on the fact the Patriots previously beat the Giants, thereby producing an anti-climactic game.

Commissioner Roger Goodell, who surprisingly supported this request but did not want to be the first commissioner to "cancel" the Super Bowl, responded with the following statement:

"In the interest of doing what is best for the league and its many fans, I have agreed to remove the Giants from this year's Super Bowl.  I am, however, replacing them with a team consisting of college all-stars from the Southeastern Conference led by Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow. In the interest of fairness to the coaches, I am assigning Michigan coach Rich Rodriguez to lead the team."

Commissioner Goodell, in an effort to keep the game competitive and because "chicks dig it", has ordered Patriots quarterback Tom Brady to continue to wear the protective boot during play.

Two other Patriots will also be required to "handicap" themselves: wide receiver Randy Moss must keep one arm handcuffed behind his back,  while linebacker Teddy Bruschi must play blindfolded.  One other Patriot, strong safety Rodney Harrison, will be sent to a "penalty box" for every late hit given.

Following a historic 45-minute rendition of the National Anthem by Jennifer Hudson, Jennifer Holliday and Aretha Franklin, the Patriots won the coin toss and opted to kick off to start the game.

In an interview prior to the game, Coach Rodriguez commented about being very impressed by the speed of the SEC players.

This speed was evident on the first play of the game as the SEC All-Stars took an early 7-0 lead on an opening kickoff return by LSU speedster Trindon Holliday--a Super Bowl record 107 yards into the endzone, wherein the entire SEC team, excluding Florida players, ran to the endzone and celebrated.

The Patriots, on their opening drive, showed a little rust from the lay off.  Due to the  newly imposed handicaps, they were only able to advance the ball to the 45-yard line before punting the ball back over to the All-Stars.

On their next possesion, after three unsucessful bubble-screens, the All-Stars punted to the Patriots' 30-yard line. Tom Brady, on the Patriots second possesion, tossed a 65-yard pass to a wide open Randy Moss, who made a spectacular one-handed catch down the right side to tie the score at 7-7.

Later in the first quarter, Tim Tebow, on a broken play, ran the ball for a 75-yard score, helped by the fact Rodney Harrison was serving a double major in the penalty box for a late hit on Georgia running back Knowshon Moreno.  Moreno, at the time of the hit, was drinking a cup of Gatorade behind the All-Stars' bench.

The game was now 14-7 in favor of the All-Stars.  After little excitement ending with the fourth punt of the quarter, the Patriots mustered a 45-yard drive ending with Glenn Dorsey sacking Tom Brady and knocking both the ball and Brady's two front teeth to the turf.

The ball was picked up by Alabama defensive back Rashad Johnson who streaked 55-yards for a score for the All-Stars, giving them a 21-7 lead.  In the second quarter, the All-Stars' lead was cut to 21-13, following two consecutive Patriot drives ending with field goals from kicker Stephen Grotowski.

With 15 seconds remaining in the first half, Florida's Percy Harvin, on a quick bubble screen, ran past a flailing LB Tedy Bruschi to put the All-Stars up 28-13 to end the first half.

During halftime, in one of the most bizarre incidences since the "wardrobe malfunction", Patriot offensive coordinator Josh McDaniels was taken at gunpoint from the Patriots' coaching box by a masked man wearing an Arizona Diamondbacks baseball jacket.

The suspect is thought to be Diamondbacks' part-owner Ken Kendrick, although no arrests have been made at this time.

This left Coach Belichick one coach short, but in a genious move that only he could make, Belichick contacted Rich Rodriguez's agent, Mike Brown, and garned a deal for the coach to come over as the new offensive coordinator for the Patriots.

Coach Rodriguez was heard, upon entering the coaches' box, to exclaim, "I am a, uh,, uh, oh, a Patriot man and this is my dream job.  I will be here for as long as the Patriots....Patriots, right?  Ok, Patriots will have me." When asked about the Michigan buy-out clause, Coach Belichick pulled out his wallet and paid the tab.

Before starting the second half, Coach Rodriguez took all of his staff over to the Patriots' sideline, but, without any open positions for them, the staff just meandered around the field with no direction.

The SEC All-Stars, upon returning to the field, found not only had their playbooks been shredded, but all the game balls were gone.  Coach Rodriguez, in a 'eureka' moment, used the old, " I am going home and taking my balls with me", tactic to turn the tide in favor of the Patriots.

In one of the most exciting second halves in Super Bowl history, the Patriots roared back to win the game 72-30 over the coachless SEC All-Stars. The All-Stars final two points came on a Tedy Bruschi fumble recovery, which he took into his own endzone after getting spun around like a child's game of Pin the Tail on the Donkey.

In an unprecedented move, the NFL will disband the New England Patriots since there is no team on earth that can stop them.  Tom Brady, Randy Moss, Tedy Bruschi and Coach Bill Belichick will be sent to the four corners of the earth so they can never be heard from again. 

In a related story, the remaining members of the '72 Dolphins went on a killing spree at Don Shula's Steak House, screaming, "Its not fair!  WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS!!"  Before authorities could arrive, the members turned the guns on each other.