Super Bowl XLII: Revisited

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Super Bowl XLII: Revisited

Hailed by fans everywhere as one of the "strangest" Super Bowls ever, the New England Patriots came from behind to win their fourth championship within seven years. The game, although exciting, paled in comparison to the events preceding the big game.

Starting two weeks prior, in a bizarre series of events, Patriots owner Robert Kraft requested on behalf of head coach Bill Belichick the New York Giants be disqualified from competing in the game. Coach Belichick defended the disqualification based on the Patriots having previously beaten the Giants, thereby beating them again would be anti-climatic.

Commissioner Roger Goodell, who surprisingly supported this request, but not wanting to be the first commissioner to "cancel" the Super Bowl, responded with the following statement:

"In the interest of doing what is best for the league and its many fans, I have agreed to the removal, but I am replacing the Giants with a team made up from college all-stars of the Southeastern Conference, led by Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow. In the interest of fairness to the coaches, I am assigning Michigan coach Rich Rodriguez to lead the team."

Commissioner Goodell, in an effort to keep the game competitive and because "chicks dig it," has ordered Patriots QB Tom Brady will continue to wear the protective boot during play. Two other Patriots will also be required to "handicap" themselves. They are WR Randy Moss (one arm handcuffed behind his back) and LB Teddy Bruschi(blindfolded). One other Patriot, SS Rodney Harrison, will be sent to a "penalty box" for every late hit given. 

Following a historic 45 minute rendition of the National Anthem by Jennifer Hudson, Jennifer Holliday, and Aretha Franklin, to the fans delight the Patriots won the coin toss, opting to kick-off to start the game.

In an interview prior to the game, Rodriguez commented about being very impressed by the speed of the SEC players. This speed was evident on the first play of the game, as the SEC all-stars took an early 7-0 lead with a opening kickoff return by LSU speedster Trindon Holliday, a Super Bowl record 107 yards into the endzone, wherein the entire SEC team, excluding UF players, ran to the endzone and celebrated.

The Patriots, on their opening drive showing a little rust from the lay-off and newly imposed handicaps, were only able to advance the ball to the 45 yard line before punting the ball back over to the all-stars.

On their next possession, after three unsuccessful bubble-screens, the all-stars punted to the Patriots 30 yard line. Tom Brady, on the Patriots second possession, tossed a 65 yard pass to a wide-open Randy Moss, who made a spectacular on handed catch down the right hand side to tie the score at 7-7. Later in the first quarter, Tim Tebow, on a broken play, ran the ball for a 75 yard score, helped by the fact Rodney Harrison was serving a double major in the penalty box for a late hit on Georgia RB Knowshon Moreno.

At the time of the hit, Moreno was drinking a cup of Gatorade behind the all-stars bench.

14-7 all-stars.

After little excitement ending on the fourth punt of the quarter, The Patriots mustered up a 45 yard drive ending with Glenn Dorsey sacking Tom Brady and knocking both the ball and Brady's two front teeth to the turf, where the ball was picked up by Alabama DB Rashad Johnson, who streaked 55 yards for the all-stars and a 21-7 lead.

In the second quarter, the all-stars lead was cut to 21-13, following two consecutive Patriot drives ending with field goals from K Stephen Grotowski. With 15 seconds remaining in the 1st half, UF's Percy Harvin, on a quick bubble screen, ran past a flailing LB Teddy Bruschi to put the all-stars up 28-13 at the half.

During halftime, in one of the most bizarre incidence since the "wardrobe malfunction," Patriot offensive coordinator, Josh McDaniels, was taken at gunpoint from the Patriots' coaching box by a masked man wearing an Arizona Diamondbacks baseball jacket.

The suspect thought to be part-owner Ken Kendrick, although no arrests have been made at this time. This left coach Belichek one coach short, but in a genious move only he could make, Belichick contacted Rich Rodriguez's agent Mike Brown and garned a deal for the coach to come over as the new offensive coordinator for the Patriots. 

Rodriguez was heard upon entering the coaches box to exclaim,"I am a West...no uh Michigan...no uh, oh yeah a Patriot man, and this is my dream job. I will be here for as long as the Patriots....Patriots right, ok will have me."

When asked about the Michigan buy-out clause, Belichek pulled out his wallet and paid the tab.

Before starting the second half, Rodriguez took all of his staff over to the Patriots sideline, but without any open positions for them, the staff just meandered around the field with no direction.

The SEC all-stars, upon returning to the field, found not only had their playbooks been shredded, but all the game balls were gone.Rodriguez, in a eureka moment, used the ole "I am going home and taking my balls with me" tactic to turn the tide in favor of the Patriots.

In one of the most exciting second halves in Super Bowl history, the Patriots roared back to win the game 72-30 over the coach-less SEC all-stars. The all-stars final two points came on a Teddy Bruschi fumble recovery, which he took into his own endzone after getting spun around like a child;s game of "pin the tail on the donkey."

In an unprecedented move, the NFL will disband the New England Patriots, since there is no team on earth which can stop them.  Tom Brady, Randy Moss, Teddy Bruschi, and coach Bill Belichick will be sent to the four corners of the earth so they can never be heard of again. 

In a related story, the remaining members of the 72' Dolphins went on a killing spree at Don Shula's steak house screaming "its not fair, WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS!!"  Before authorities could arrive, the members turned the guns on each other.

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