NBA Finals 2011: Dallas Mavericks vs Miami Heat, According to Army of Darkness

Artem Altman@ArtemAltmanContributor IIIJune 9, 2011

NBA Finals 2011: Dallas Mavericks vs Miami Heat, According to Army of Darkness

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    During Game 4 of these NBA Finals, Dennis Velasco (a writer for the Nets Are Scorching blog of ESPN's TrueHoop Network, The Basketball Jones and a lot of other high quality stuff) and I discovered in our Twitter conversation that these same Finals are very much like the movie Army of Darkness.

    Like the movie, the finals is a battle of good vs. evil that is filled with heroes and villains.

    I like the idea of two major forces coming together and making one totally grandiose spectacle, and I’m not talking about a man and a woman making a baby.

    Along the lines of concepts in games such as DC vs. Marvel and Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe, I like the idea of combining these NBA Finals between the Dallas Mavericks and the Miami Heat, with the script of Army of Darkness.

    Personally, I think Army of Darkness and Bruce Campbell (you might know him from Old Spice commercials) are very underrated.

    In the following slides I will I give you excerpts from the 2011 NBA Finals (sometimes fictional) as based on the dialogue and/or quotes from the Army of Darkness.

    For anyone unfamiliar with the Army of Darkness, I recommend that you definitely put it in your Netflix que.

BONUS: Trailer

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    For those who have never watched Army of Darkness here is the trailer for your preview!


9. While Brian Cardinal Is on the Court.

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    Every time Brian ‘The Custodian’ Cardinal steps onto the court during these NBA Finals, Heat’s head coach Erik Spoelstra must scream to the rest of his coaching staff:

    It's a trick. Get an axe.”

    Nothing good can happen for the Heat when Cardinal is in the game.

    Chris Bosh knows this all too well.

8. Dirk Is Back

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    Just as the Miami Heat went up 2-1 in the Finals by stealing Game 3, Dallas came back and came back big to even things up.

    This is probably how Erik Spoelstra explained Heat’s Game 4 loss to Pat Riley:

    Spoelstra: "But that didn't stop it, it came back big time.”

    Riley's likely response will be: I'll swallow your soul!

7. Coach Spoelstra...Gone

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    If the Heat lose this series would anyone be surprised if Heat president Pat Riley fires Erik Spoelstra. And if their conversation is anything like Army of Darkness, then it will go on as such:

    Spoelstra: But what of all those sweet words you spoke in private?
    Riley: Oh that's just what we call pillow talk, baby, that's all.

    (Sorry I couldn't get the original video)

6. When Nowitzki Drives to the Basket Against Chris Bosh

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    When Ash encouters a possesed woman in the old-times I keep thinking of every time that Dirk Nowitzki drives to the basket against Chris Bosh. I can only imagine Dirk saying:

    "Yo, she-bitch! Let's go!"

5. If LeBron James and Dan Gilbert Reunite

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    If LeBron James ever goes back to Cleveland and Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert forgives him, James will say:

    "First you wanna kill me, now you wanna kiss me. Blow."

    Then we'll all know the real LeBron after all.

    (Sorry that I couldn't find a video clip)

4. LeBron James Back to Cleveland or Hail to the King, Baby.

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    If the Miami Heat loses the Finals then maybe LeBron James might want to go back to the place where his basketball career started. Maybe he won’t. Anyway, this is how his contemplations will go:

    [voiceover on a montage of James’ greates moments with the Cleveland Cavaliers]
    Sure, I could have stayed in the past. [In Cleveland] I could have even been [the] King. But in my own way, I *am* King.

    If the Heat win, James will:
    [James grabs the  Larry O’Brien Trophy]
    Hail to the King, baby.”
    [James kisses the trophy]

3. Dirk Nowitzki: The Bionic Man

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    Here is the scene in Army of Darkness where Ash creates a mechanical replacement for his missing wrist.

    Maybe this is how Dirk Nowitzki repaired the torn tendon in his left hand.

    One word: “Groovy.”

2. Dirk Nowitzki Is a Bad Man!

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    When Ash dispatches the Evil with his shotgun, he says:

    "Good. Bad. I'm the guy with the gun"

    I think that Nowitzki would say:

    "Good. Bad. I'm the guy with the ball."

1. Dirk Nowitzki as the Ultimate Ash

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    If Dirk Nowitzki was to give an inspirations speech before yesterdays Game 4, then it would've went along the lines of Ash's speech before he and his men battles the Deadites.

    Nowitzki would've said:

    "We can take these [Heat]ites, we can take 'em! With science."

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