French Open 2011: 25 Bold (and Humorous) Predictions at Roland Garros

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These articles have all been done before. Usually the writers pick a prediction upon a player or topic that has a high probability of happening, and then they say that their choice was "on the edge" (shock, horror, gasp).

Furthermore their predictions are not really that bold. So let us try and go real BOLD this time by thinking of some things that just might happen, but with 100 percent certainty, probably won't.

Let us escape from everyday logic for a while, use some humor and think out of the box, completely out of the box.

Incredible Gael

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The Frenchman has the tournament of his life beating everyone who opposes him and then loses the final in straight sets.

In one of his matches Monfils hits an incredible no-look, behind-the-back, down-the-line, backhand which then becomes the logo of Roland Garros.

French Triumph

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Marion Bartoli reaches the fourth round by fighting to the death. The Frenchwoman appeals to the crowd so much that she becomes the nation's sweetheart and getting the key to the city of Paris.

Kim Clijsters

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Clijsters' heavily bandaged thigh gets tied too tight and stops the blood from circulating properly through her leg, causing her to lose in the first round.

French Open 3D

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Watching Roland Garros in 3D becomes such a sensation that people prefer to watch Nadal and Federer at the cinema than at the stadiums, leaving them empty, bare and cold.

Tommy Haas

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The German gets so excited, with Gael Monfils getting to the final and all, that he decides that forming a band with the Frenchman would not be such a bad idea after all.

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Novak Djokovic

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It is the semifinals. The Serb is a match point away from breaking McEnroe's record of 42 straight victories, when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, Monfils hits the most incredible shot in tennis history (refer to second slide).

Djokovic stares in disbelief. He eventually loses all confidence and the match to send the French crowd in rapture.

Sharapova the Ace Machine

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Something miraculous happens: Instead of the Russian serving up 7,820 double faults per match, she replaces them with aces.

She does not win the title; however she does become the all-time ace leader in Roland Garros history.

Soderling the Ace Machine

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Robin Soderling agrees to give $500 dollars for every ace he hits. The Swede ironically hits so many serves that he becomes bankrupt.

He also has to sell the towel he puts over his head in order to raise money, thus leaving him vulnerable to the glaring eyes of the crowds and the opposition.

Roger Federer

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Roger Federer wins the first round, then the second, then the third. He reaches the quarterfinals, where midway through the middle of a exciting, long rally, he decides to stop.

The Swiss master walks of the court while everyone watches in confusion. In the postmatch interview he states: "I got bored, I knew i was going to win, I win all the time. So i decided to stop playing and go prepare for a real Grand Slam: Wimbledon!"

Svetlana Kuznetsova/Francesca Schiavone, Part 1

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The Russian discovers her true form and powers her way to the final, where she meets the defending champion Francesca Schiavone.

Svetlana Kuznetsova/Francesca Schiavone, Part 2

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The match is an exact repeat of their four-hour, 44-minute marathon at the Australian Open. There will be a 54-stroke rally that has the crowd going crazy. The crowd goes so crazy in fact that some of the fans start fainting, mostly men.

Six minutes after the rally ends, paramedics rush in to pick up the fainted.

Svetlana Kuznetsova/Francesca Schiavone, Part 3

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Kuznetsova finally wins the match after the Italian Schiavone did not hear the umpire say play on. She was too distracted by the fainted people in the stands.

Andy "The Forehand" Murray

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The Briton becomes the first man since Tim Henman to reach the semifinals of Roland Garros. On the way to his unprecedented run, something weird happens as he actually decides to ATTACK WITH HIS FOREHAND!!!

Rafael Nadal

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Nadal reaches the semifinals, but in the process the Spaniard loses four sets (cue the shocking music)!!

Nadal vs. Murray

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They meet in the semifinals, where the match becomes a classic encounter. Both use different spins and angles to try and outthink one another. The rallies are long and gruesome, but in the end Nadal prevails with a stupendous down-the-line forehand from way out wide in the ad-court.

That actually does not sound very bold.

Nadal Champion

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Again that does not sound very bold, however the final is played in an empty stadium since everybody prefers to watch it in 3D (refer to slide five).

Nadal is so pleased with his latest triumph that he throws his thousand dollar watch to the crowd. However, there is no one in the crowd to claim it, so the ball boys have a wrestling match, with the winner taking the watch home.

Oh Dear Caroline

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The Dane was playing a great match until someone in the crowd belts: "You are not the real No. 1, Clijsters is...or is it Henin..."

After hearing this Caroline succumbs to the pressure, starts crying and loses the match.

Marcos Baghdatis

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The Cypriot finally decides to take advantage of his outrageous talents and makes it to the quarterfinals. He reminds us of his 2006 Australian Open run and we all rejoice in his presence.

David Ferrer

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The Spaniard becomes the second Nadal: brutal hitting, electrifying pace and tenacious.

He becomes Nadal in body only, however, meaning that he still does not believe in himself to do well at Grand Slam level and thus losing in the fourth round.

Serena Williams

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Serena Williams flies to France to watch the woman's final. The match drags on for so long though that she falls asleep. The paramedics (refer to slide 12) mistake her for one of the fainted and take her to the hospital.

Juan Martin Del Brutal

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Earlier I predicted that Djokovic made it to the semifinals. Nevertheless, that prediction turns out to be a false one, since Del Potro meets the Serb in the third round and trounces him with the heaviest hitting ever witnessed by man itself.

Juan Martin [3D]el Potro

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The Argentinian's hitting is so vicious that the people watching the match in 3D actually think that they are getting hit by the ball.

The fans get so scared that they run out of the cinema like a stampede of bulls.

Li Na

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After Li Na's matches, she speaks to the crowd and constantly makes them laugh. The Chinese builds so much confidence from this that she decides to leave tennis and pursue a career in standup comedy.

Bjorn Borg

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The Ice Man gets jealous after Nadal equals his open era record of six French Open titles. When asked what he feels, Borg becomes evasive and extraneous—so much so that he decides to leave tennis once and for all and becomes a monk.

A Prediction Too Many

Andy Murray shares a light moment during the 2010 French Open with Paul Annacone.
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After the French Open has finished people notice that all my BOLD predictions come true. People start hunting me down so I can tell them what will happen in the next Grand Slam.

I decide that this is a prediction too many, so instead I follow Bjorn Borg in becoming a monk.

Thank you so much for reading!