The NFL Sad Sack Seven: Week Seven
As the leaves turn orange and red then shed, some football teams turn yellow and roll over dead. The NFL's not yet at the half pole but some teams have surrendered and some thought dead have shown a spark.
1] The Detroit Lions 0-5
The Lions are horrid but at least they have used loser jiu jitsu to try to better their always bleak future. Pillaging the desperate Jerry Jones for a plethora of picks for the under achieving Roy Williams was a great mid season move of a player they were going to release at season's end anyway. The early year Jon Kitna cleansing was also addition by subtraction.
Now all they need is a defense, a offensive line, a QB, and a franchise RB. Oh and maybe a coach, a GM, and a new owner then Motor City will be ready to roll.
2] The Cincinnati Bengals 0-6
The Fords have been football failures but they have an excuse they are landed car barons. Bad barons of late but still car men.
Whats the Browns excuse? Degeneracy like the late Julio Claudian Roman Emperors?
Or perhaps just good old lust for gold? Greed.
Either way its always any which way but win in Bungle land and as Bruce Hornsby once sang somethings never change.
3] Oakland Raiders 1-4
Hang down your head Tom Cable, hang down your head and cry, cause poor coach your gonna fry.
The Raider ballad of Tom Cable is destined to end badly, of course, but the question is can Al Davis pay anyone else to take the job? Not honoring coaching contracts will make even the most desperate or greedy coach think twice about working for a man who has not only lost most of his marbles but also his old uncanny ability to spot talent.
4] Missouri Pro Football 2-8
St Louis Rams 1-4
Cheers to Jim Haslett for a win, but Scott Linehan must of been the worse coach since Rich Kotite tortured team owners with fantastically under coached flops. The Rams will still be rammed most of the season.
Herm Edwards is the master of taking playoff caliber teams grinding them down to demoralized talent less flops then grimly announcing its time to rebuild what I have torn apart.
Good luck with that Kansas City jazz.
The Rams and Chiefs should have been like the Lions and unloaded big name, bigger salaried stars.
Steven Jackson and Larry Johnson are in the prime of their careers but doomed to be pounded on rebuilding clubs. Johnson is already pouting and will be a problem all year long. Any draft picks for veteran TE Tony Gonzalez would have been a bonus and a trade to a contender appreciated by Gonzo.
Why not start the rebuilding now?
5] Dallas Cowboys 4-2
Sure the Cowpokes are much better then the Seattle Seahawks but the desperation in the Dallas air bodes ill for the franchises future.
Swilling ice cold Heineken's on his luxury yacht in Key West Jimmy Johnson had to be hyena laughing looking at his old buddy Jerry get fleeced by, of all teams, the historically inept Lions.
All those draft picks for an underachieving player who will irritate your currently viciously spoiled, man child, star wide receiver? The first game Roy Williams catches more balls then Terrell Owens TO will try to tear the team apart.
Plastic faced Jerry Jones played PAC Man and that game tilted in its usual publicly, retarded way.
The Coach is a lame duck, the best defense player wants a massive contract, the QB has not won a playoff game, and the secondary is stripped of talent.
Hear the frosty green Heineken's clicking in the warm, glittering, blue sea as Key West Jimmy watches Dallas Jerry continue to show his football smarts.
"Hey old Bud, ya just got Herscheled.....Jerry just drove down the Herschel highway" will be mockingly whispered from the water as the sun sets south of Key West and the conchs salute the sunset.
7] Chicago Bears 3-3
The Bears are better then a lot of teams but the Sad Sack Seven is about going bust and blowing opportunities.
The Bears could be 6-0 except for some horrific 4th quarter coaching decisions. Some of the worse, most conservative play not to lose coaching calls ever seen .
The Carolina Panthers came back from a 17-3 deficit and the Bears ended the game on a pitiful 4th-and-1 slow developing dive by a seldom used FB.
The Bears old failed QB Brian Griese rallied the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to beat the Bears at Soldier Field. A few bone headed Bear penalties helped the Bucs.
But this weeks squib kick flop was, as SI's Paul Zimmerman, pointed out a failure of courage on the coaches part.
Seven lousy seconds, kick deep, you have a team that prides itself on defense, let the defense hold or at least lose like men. A cowardly, failed squib then a quick out then a long FG? Is that the way the Monsters of the Midway goes out? No they leave on their shields.
Lovie Smith goes out more like Charlie Brown, desperately, conservatively, meekly hanging in the 4th quarter, only to have Lucy luck pull the ball away each time its a close game.
Roar like Bears boys not like meek mice.
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