Recently Deceased PacMan Jones Is Suspended From Hell

Aaron LiebmanAnalyst IOctober 16, 2008

As we all know, troubled Cowboys defensive back Adam “Pacman” Jones was recently killed after beating up a stripper who defended herself by breaking one of his beer bottles and stabbing him to death.  Sources from hell have reported that Jones was set to report there for training and orientation but got hung up in purgatory when he found out some of the people on the waiting list for afterlife status had blow on them.

Once he reached hell, the devil was not as sympathetic as Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, who he has acknowledged is in fact the Anti-Christ.  Lucifer said, “Most people think the Anti-Christ is Al Davis.  And quite frankly, he might have been, but he was more interested in getting his players to break the rules on the field as opposed to off it.” 

He went on to say, “Sure, there were some Raiders players on drugs at certain points but Davis was never able to get his players to go the extra distance and get suspended and flat out arrested.  And signing Pacman was the sure sign that he was the one I wanted as the man to trigger the Armageddon.”

Although the prince of darkness praised Jerry Jones, he did have some criticisms.  “I can’t blame it all on Jerry.  But he knew the person he was signing and knew where he’d be going when he died.  He should have at least taught him a thing or two about conduct in hell. 

"I mean, before Jerry went to earth and bought the Cowboys he was one of my top demons and was the one who inspired ‘The Exorcist’.  Someone with his experience should have Pacman all prepared.”

The fallen angel then remarked that Pacman should not only be in hell, but would look forward to it.  After all, their strip clubs are top of the line, especially with the arrival of Anna Nicole Smith.  The only explanation he could think of is Pacman’s potential jealousy of the upcoming suite reserved for OJ Simpson.  Satan defends this saying, “How can I not reward a man who murdered two people and got away with it?”

At press time, it was confirmed that Adam Jones did in fact report to hell but to the devil’s disappointment, the only substance Jones tested positive for was holy water.  Sources have told us that once Pacman was done doing cocaine with souls in purgatory he attempted to save his soul once he realized there was no alcohol available in hell.

Rumors have surfaced that to punish Pacman, the devil is going to do something worse than Jerry Jones, Roger Goodell, or even God Himself could do…he’s going to reincarnate him as the Detroit Lions coach.