NFL Week Five's Best and Worst

You know, as a sports fan, this time of year should make you forget about everything else. The NFL is occupying your church time, the MLB playoffs are thrilling for once, and the NBA is just a few weeks away.

But with all this comes the realization that February is steadily approaching, meaning your Sundays will be filled with actually doing your homework or shopping with your family. It's this time of year that makes me just as sad as it does happy.

The NFL is a tradition, an event that makes you forget about whatever problems you have and allows you to take an entire day to sit in your favorite chair and escape life. 

But now? We're sadly getting into basketball season, meaning the downhill portion of the NFL season.  You know those Monday Night Football commercials where the guy looks all depressed because it's Tuesday, only to have a voice tell him not to worry because Monday is coming up? They should make one for the NFL offseason, except use James Earl Jones' voice. 

Can you imagine how glum that man would look?  The poor man standing at the water cooler, tears running down his face, with Darth Vader making things worse, probably stating something like "There is no escaping the power of the NFL..." Jeez, where is Luke Skywalker when you need him?

Week Five's Best and Worst

Five Best

1) Miami Dolphins

When you line up Chad Pennington at wide receiver for two-straight games and STILL fool people, especially a defense like the Chargers, you know you have luck on your side. Personally, I have a theory. It's all Bill Parcells. Apparently, when you mix two inhabitants of the same habitat together, you double your win total and are able to run trick plays that should only work in Madden. The Tuna and the Dolphins. Sounds like a Discovery Channel documentary.

2) Ben Roethlisberger

How good is Ben Roethlisberger? Seriously. He's taking hits every time he drops back. Good thing he's not going all Kimbo Slice on us. He's single-handedly keeping the Steelers on top of the AFC North.

For some odd reason, he reminds me of Spider-Man—always injured, loses some fights, but in the end, he'll prevail and be the hero of the town. One key difference though: I'm 99.999 percent positive that, if I was stuck in a dark alley, I'd much rather fight Spider-Man than Roethlisberger. Big Ben is like four-times the size of Spidey. And besides, I have half a mind to think that Tobey Maguire can't actually fight...

3) Washington Redskins

The Redskins remind me of Leonardo DiCaprio in The Departed (my favorite movie, by the way). No one expects him to succeed, Martin Sheen and Marky Mark put him down the whole movie, but suddenly out of nowhere, Leo turns the corner and shocks everyone (I'm trying not to give away the movie).

At the beginning of the season, everyone discounted the 'Skins, and people were right for about a week. And now? Now they're in second place in the killer NFC East. It's not funny anymore. I think Jim Zorn was just playing a big joke on the entire NFL. You think he and Dan Snyder got together before the season began and decided to just play games with us?

Beating Dallas and Philly in two straight weeks put the Redskins in the drivers seat for the rest of the season. Now, the 'Skins are poised to go 7-1, and I'm pissed. Besides, I don't think a coach who ever tells his players to yell "hip hip hooray" after a victory deserves to win.

4) Matty Ice

I liked Matt Ryan a lot in this draft, and I think Atlanta made the wise decision of selecting him (not like they had a choice). But the "Matty Ice" nickname fits him perfectly. 

How frozen were Packers fans after the showing he put on? How good is he making Roddy White look? And I'm willing to go out on a limb and say he's going to have one hell of a broadcasting or GM career when he's done.

Have you seen how clean cut this kid is? He says all the right things, presents himself in the right way, which is everything that the Falcons needed from a PR standpoint. I feel that someone needs to employ Vanilla Ice to re-create his ever so famous "Ice Ice Baby", simply for Matty Ice and make sure it's played every time he steps out on the field.

Word to your mother.

5) Kyle Orton

Why didn't the Bears start Orton earlier? Why have we thought that Devin Hester was the Bears' secret weapon, when in reality it's been Kyle Orton? Maybe Lovie Smith was just waiting until Brett Favre left the division to unleash Orton. You know, wait until no one really cares about what goes on in the NFC North, and then WHAM. 

Sure, the Bears played the Lions. But come on, this is a team that trusted Rex Grossman in the Super Bowl. Whenever their quarterback does well, you have to give them credit. Remember when Orton was silently pacing on the sidelines with the clipboard while Rex Grossman helped other teams win? 

And then when Lovie Smith named him the starter, Orton said he deserved it? Way to back it up, Kyle. Now only if you can get the Bears to the Super Bowl and help Chicago fans forget about baseball...

Five Worst

1) San Diego Chargers

Maybe the Chargers have those losses to the Panthers and Broncos on their mind. Maybe the injuries are catching up with them. Maybe it's just Norv Turner. Whatever the reason is, something is terribly, terribly wrong.

The Chargers should've beaten the Dolphins. Plain and simple. I think Philip Rivers needs to go back to being his bad-boy self. Sure, he's having the best year of his career, but clearly it's not helping.

Maybe the whole "I'm gonna stop trash talking, I've matured" thing isn't working out. I can't wait for the next Broncos-Chargers game. Can you just imagine what Rivers would say to Jay Cutler if the Broncos win?

"Hey Jay, great game man...You've got a strong arm, and your hair looks better than ever. Best of luck in the future, my friend."  Yikes.

Side note: LaDanian Tomlinson's pantry must be full of Chunky Soup, because he hasn't conquered a hard day at work in a while (no, facing Oakland's D is not a hard day). 

2) Detroit Lions

I think I'm just going to have the Lions in my five worst for good. You know, make a template for my document with the Lions fixed somewhere in this section? Every week, something seems to go horribly wrong for them. This week, they were reassured that the future isn't going to look too good.

Dan Orlovsky came in the game and threw a ball too high for a very tall Roy Williams, which was returned for a touchdown. They have basically forced the firing of their head coach and the departure of Roy Williams. Thank God the city of Detroit has the Red Wings.

3) The Cowboys' defense

This was supposed to be an easy win for the Cowboys. Carson Palmer is having one of the worst years of his career, yet he almost led the Bengals to victory. The Dallas defense needs to get better, and fast, otherwise there is no shot at the NFC East Division Title, much less the playoffs.

I feel that they're putting too much pressure on themselves. All offseason, they've been touted as the best team in the NFC. People forget that this secondary is below average, to say the least. Whenever you have Roy Williams as your starting safety, you've got a problem.

I know he's injured, but we Cowboys fans blame everything wrong about our defense on him. It's all his fault.

By the way, I was upset at the end of this game, not because the Cowboys won on a lucky catch by Patrick Crayton (who apparently can catch balls that bounce off teammates' hands with one hand, but can't catch a wide open pass in a playoff game), but because Chad Ocho Cinco didn't catch a touchdown and fulfill his promise of kissing the star.

Remember the last time an opposing player messed with the star at Texas Stadium? Yeah, Mr. Owens ended up on our team. We were so close to an Ocho Uno-Ocho Cinco receiving tandem. So close.

4) Seattle Seahawks

Poor Mike Holmgren. I bet he's regretting that he didn't retire at the end of last year. He would've finished his career back home in Green Bay, against Brett Favre, in front of the Lambeau crowd that loves him.

Now? Now he's watching Matt Hasslebeck cringe underneath defenders. Deion Branch has been injured so many times that I wouldn't be surprised to see him on an episode of Grey's Anatomy (which I'm told is based in Seattle).

The Seahawks had an easy road to the postseason—just win eight games,and you're good to go. Doesn't look like it's happening. And how much do you think Matt Hasselbeck wishes he was his brother right now?  Let's compare the two.

Matt went to the Super Bowl. Tim is married to Elisabeth Hasselbeck. Matt plays for one of the best coaches in the NFL. Tim is married to Elisabeth Hasselbeck. Matt is an NFL starter. Tim is married to Elisabeth Hasselbeck. See where I'm going with this?

5) Philadelphia Eagles

This one should be self-explanatory. When you're on the goal line, whether it be against the Bears, the Redskins, or the local pee-wee football team, you have to score. Pass the ball. Play action. Jump over the offensive line. Quarterback sneak.

There are so many options, yet the Eagles just can't seem to score when they're within three yards of the end zone. Something is wrong with this team, as well as McNabb.

Let's be real, as a Cowboys fan, I'm delighted that they lost. But again, as a Cowboys fan, I wish they would've beaten the Redskins. If the Redskins continue this hot streak of theirs, we can thank the Eagles. And Roy Williams, of course.

Five Games to Watch Next Week (in no particular order):

1) New England @ San Diego
2) Chicago @ Atlanta
3) Jacksonville @ Denver
4) Carolina @ Tampa Bay
5) Green Bay @ Seattle