Why I Hate Fantasy Football

Zeke FuhrmanAnalyst IIIOctober 6, 2008

I was so close.

Battling the remaining undefeated team in my ESPN Fantasy Football league.

And I should have won.

This is my first time playing Fantasy Football, and I really had no idea what to expect.

Nowadays, I find myself rooting against my team, I am constantly second-guessing myself, and my blood-pressure has been steadily rising since Opening Kickoff.

It started off kind of rough.

After Sunday night, I had a 71-34 advantage over my opponent, which still had me biting my nails. That week, the Indianapolis Colts and Chicago Bears played on Monday Night Football. 

My opponent had Peyton Manning, Joseph Addai, and the Bears D/ST. As I watched, I didn't know who to cheer for. I watched as the Bear's defense shut down the Colts for a total of 16 points, while Peyton Manning received 14 points, and Addai got 4 points, giving me a 71-68 victory.

In Week three, I should have lost. My opponent had Ben Roethlisberger start, who gained -1 point for his performance against the Philadelphia Eagles, while he had a 17-point Jason Campbell on the bench. He also had 21-point Maurice Jones-Drew, 20-point TJ Houshmandzedah, 16-point LenDale White, and 10-point Jerious Norwood on his bench. He had a total of 87 points on his bench alone, while I had only 85 on my starting roster. I felt really bad for the guy.

In Week 4, I felt like a genius. I placed Brett Favre in my starting role, and he threw 6 TDs, while I beat my opponent 99-47. I kinda felt bad the the guy.

But, low and behold, this week I felt really bad for myself.

I was down by 35 points to my opponent going into the Minnesota Vikings-New Orleans Saints MNF game. My yet-to-play players were Deuce McAllister, the Vikings D/ST, the Saints D/ST, Bernard Berrian, and Ryan Longwell.

I swapped Deuce for Berrian, who has been virtually unproductive this season, and put the Saints D/ST in my starting spot, predicting Drew Brees and Reggie Bush would light up the Vikings. Drew Brees and Reggie Bush did light up the Vikings, but thanks to an Antoine Winfield blocked-FG-returned-for-a-TD, I knew my fate had been sealed.

Despite giving up 269 all-purpose yards to Bush, Brees throwing for 330 yards, the Vikings D put up 16 points on the fantasy board, while my starting Saints put up only 9, even though they held Adrian Peterson to only 34 rushing yards. 

Bernard Berrian had 110 receiving yards and a touchdown, giving him 17 points. Added to Ryan Longwell's 14 points, I had 47 points...more than enough to put me in the win column once again.

But The Viking's D and Berrian were on the bench. I had started McAllister, who gained me one point, and the Saints D, who gave me 9. I lost 68-86.

Why did I not have faith in my hometown team? Why was I rooting against the Vikings? Because my fantasy football team depended on it. A fantasy game is something nerds play in high school.

Even though Fantasy Football has kept me interested in other games besides the Vikings (and believe me...I've needed other games to watch this season), Fantasy Football is not for me. I have no fingernails left, my heart rate has steadily crept above 110 bpm, and my 21-year-old hair has begun to grey.

So, after this season, I officially announce my retirement from Fantasy Football. Please direct all questions to my PR Director. Thank you.