Everyone, may I have your attention please.
We are in the midst of a major crisis.
Not the bailout plan crisis or the larger economic crisis.
No, I mean a real crisis.
There might be a problem in the Dallas Cowboys locker room.
Because Terrell Owens, in frustration after a tough loss to the Redskins mind you, said he wanted the ball more. Because Owens may or may not have had a meeting with Tony Romo to discuss his concerns about his role in the offense and Romo’s throws to him.
Apparently this counts as a crisis in Dallas where the team is an abysmal 3-1.
But the team’s record is neither here nor there I guess.
Now Owens is “tearing the team apart”, Romo is “overrated”, and you can all but erase the Cowboys out as favorites to win Super Bowl.
Get a grip people.
If I’ve learned anything, it is that in sports, winning solves any problem. And thankfully, for those in a panic, soulutions for the Cowboys' problems are on their way in the form of their next three opponents.
The Cincinnati Bengals, Arizona Cardinals, and the St.Louis Rams are three of the best problem solvers in the league. Three franchises that are a director away from being the basis for Disaster Movie part 2.
First let’s take a look at the Bengals, who travel to Dallas this weekend. Trust me, the Cowboys could only wish to have the kind of dysfunction the Bengals seem to always have surrounding the team.
A team that is a Michael Vick signing away from fielding an all mug shot team, especially after signing RB Cedric Benson to bolster their running game.
Then there are the Arizona Cardinals, who hosts Dallas in week six.
They had dreams of the playoffs and a possible first division crown after starting the season 2-0. Those dreams have quickly turned into nightmares after a tough loss to the Washington Redskins and a beating at the hands of Brett Favre and the New York Jets.
Offensively, Kurt Warner has been well, offensive, throwing 4 interceptions and losing 3 fumbles in his last two games. The defense is shall we say, susceptible to the pass, as evidenced by that Jets game.
And last but certainly not, well forget that last sentiment. The St. Louis Rams are without a doubt the worst team in the NFL.
I don’t know what else you can say about the Rams that hasn’t already been said about a hooptie.
Steven Jackson must be wishing he were somewhere else and Torry Holt probably wishes he could trade places with his former teammate Isaac Bruce, who at least plays for a team that competes—the San Francisco 49ers.
The defense of the Rams is actually worse than the offense. So bad in fact that the Defensive Coordinator, Jim Haslett, has been promoted to head coach!
And you thought the company you worked for was run by idiots.
If there is anybody who can get the Cowboys back to their “winning” ways it’s these three.
Worried about all those supposed “problems” in the Cowboy offense?
All three defenses rank in the bottom half of the league in points allowed and only Arizona ranks in the top half in the league in yards allowed.
And the troubles in the Cowboys defense?
Of their three opponents in their next three games, only Arizona can actually claim they have an offense. And at the rate they’ve been turning the ball over, that might not be true shortly.
The other two offenses both rank in the bottom seven in points per game, rushing yards per game, passing yards per game, and total yards per game.
So what does this mean for the Cowboys?
Add it all up and you have what should be three blowout wins, smiles on the sideline, and a 6-1 record as the team goes into Tampa Bay before heading into New York for a week nine showdown with the New York Giants.
So there you have it everyone, crisis averted.
No, no. No need to thank me—it’s what I do.
Everyone can climb back in from the window ledge and relax.
Now I feel safe.