B/R Football Dictionary for Dummies

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B/R Football Dictionary for Dummies

Most of y'all have been here a while and understand the lingo that Bleacher Creatures use. Some of them are common, but some football fans need a little help in deciphering the more intricate vocabulary of football.

Here is the first official Bleacher Creature Football for Dummies, vol. 1.


Kicker: The guy on the team who couldn't make the soccer team. Also known as a head case.


Wide Receiver: The guy who makes wimpy blocks, catches the balls he shouldn't, and drops the ones he should. Future NFL analyst who has no taste in clothing.


Quarterback: A player who gets all the chicks, no matter how ugly he is. The guy who always breaks the finger on his throwing hand.


Running back: The runner who the fullback makes look good with tremendous blocks.


Safety: the guy who everybody blames when a wide receiver makes one of those catches he shouldn't have made.


Linebacker: A defensive player who is legally allowed to kill people on the field.


Spread formation: Unstoppable. Also what desperate housewives do to get their husbands away from the TV during football season.


WCO: West Coast Offense—an offensive scheme that involves short, precise passes usually based on timing or under routes. Used a lot in two minute drills against the prevent.


Prevent: The defensive formation of three down linemen, with the rest covering the long ball. A D that will prevent you from winning the game because the O will be running a WCO.


Stacking the box: When your DBs and safety join the linebackers in the box area behind the line for a party to see who can tear the running back from limb-to-limb first. What quarterbacks love to see when they have called a fly route in the huddle.


Punt: Failure.


Interception: What DBs do to embarrass quarterbacks they can't sack on a blitz.


Flea-flicker: A trick passing play that will cause the coach to either look brilliant or stupid, depending on whether or not the receiver makes a catch he shouldn't. Potential bench-warming duties for the safety.


Sweep: A running play where the running back runs 10 yards to gain two yards.


Reverse: A trick play that rarely works, except in the WAC.


Double-reverse: The play that usually precedes a punt.


Statue of Liberty: A trick play that never works unless you are playing a high school varsity team or Oklahoma in the Fiesta Bowl.


Blast: A boring running play that results in a massive collision at the line of scrimmage and a few torn ACLs.


Off-tackle: A fancy word for a diagonal blast.


Cheerleaders: What fans look at when a team runs a lot of blast plays.


Yell leaders: Those boring guys your mom wants you to date. Future insurance salesman or accountant.


Mascots: A way to contain a drunk student in a plush costume so he can't do any damage in the stands.


Sportscaster: A former football player or coach who can't get a real job in the real world. A place where Ticonderoga pencil salesmen go when they can't unload their stash.


Analyst: A fancy name for someone who doesn't know anything but gets paid a bunch to be right 50 percent of the time. A professional guesser.


"Not so fast, my friend": Loose translation means, "You're an idiot."


Defensive Coordinator: An assistant coach who gets blamed for a 59-0 rout.


Offensive Coordinator: An assistant coach who gets promoted for a 59-0 rout.


Marching Band: A place where having zits is a prerequisite for membership.


Penalty: What Pac-10 refs call to make sure a non Pac-10 team loses. Also known as a flag, hankie, or bull****.


Zebras: The three blind mice on the field who referee the game.


Time management: A nice way to say the coach can't add or subtract 20 or 30 seconds at a time.


Out-schemed: A nice way to say a coach can't coach against inferior teams. Derivatives: schooled, embarrassed, or beat down.


Touchdown: Something Florida International has finally experienced this year.


NCAA: Another word for Big Brother.


Freeze the kicker: A way to use all of your timeouts so when you lose the game, you won't be blamed for not using all of your timeouts. A way to give Dr. Phil more cred than he deserves.


Onside kick: A play that never turns out good for the team you are rooting for. Never.


Half-time: A 30-minute rest sponsored by breweries. Also, the only time the tuba player gets some exercise.


FCS: Football Cupcake Schedule.


FBS: Football Beef Schedule.


BCS: Bowl n' Cash for Schools.

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