I'm sure you all have heard by now that Rex Ryan has a foot fetish. He likes the feet. He loves the feet. He wants to be on the feet. He doesn't seem to care where they come from and would actually prefer to be surrounded by a bunch of feet on a daily basis. See the image to the right that clearly illustrates Ryan on a foot binge, showing just how obsessed he truly is with feet.
Yes, I suppose there are stranger fetishes out there, but this is a pretty disturbing one. I mean really—feet, Rex? In other news, Ryan has named Dr. Scholl's as the Jets' new team doctor. OK, so that didn't really happen you got me but work with me here for a moment and let's pretend it did. Would it be so far fetched taking all things into consideration? How would this scenario play out?
First off Coach Ryan would probably say "It's a personal matter" but Rex, think about your players for a moment. If you were a grown man and had to walk around the locker room with your socks off at times, wouldn't you be paranoid that your coach might be hiding in the shadows trying to sneak a peak at your toes? Would you not feel insecure about your feet around him and have to spend additional time trying to pamper them to impress him as your coach in order to get playing time?
Not funny you say? Well, I agree. This is a serious matter.
This could be a problem for the Jets, as players may start spending more time attending to their feet than studying film or working out/practicing to get into game shape. In order to understand Ryan's engrossment, we must first analyze why his fixation exists in the first place. Here are five possible reasons that Ryan lovessss the feet.
A) Could it be that Rex Ryan likes feet so much because he is too overweight to see his own on a regular basis?
B) Is it possible that Rex has just seen too many feet in locker rooms over time and can't resist his urges to suck toes any longer?
C) Is this preference inherited from Ryan's dad or his mother? Did they too obsess over feet?
D) Was he just born with a gene that makes him lust after bunions?
E) Do you think that maybe Rex Ryan just likes athlete's foot, not the actual feet of his athletes?
No one can be certain which of the above reasons are valid, if any. That is precisely why Jets players have decided to create a locker room watch squad to monitor the sneaky foot-observing ways of their head coach Rex Ryan.
If Rex is found guilty or is caught by this special ops unit, then he will be forced to "Talk to the Hand" for 10 minutes at first offense, 20 minutes after the second offense and a full hour for every additional time he is caught scoping out his players' feet.
Despite Ryan's prediction that New York would win the Super Bowl, the Jets were kicked out of the playoffs in the AFC Championship Game in 2010 by the Pittsburgh Steelers, only one week after defeating the Patriots, the Jets' arch rival. It is no wonder that he always puts his foot in his mouth. It's safe to say that Rex loves the agony of defeet.
In conclusion, now I understand why Rex Ryan chose head football coach for his occupation. I guess it is safe to say that Rex is a sole man.