10 Hilarious Jokes About Manchester United

sam naikContributor ISeptember 29, 2008

This article is just a response to "the Liverpool jokes" article that was put up. Here are 10 of my favourite Manchester United jokes, especially for all my Mancunian comrades.

10) Manchester United have apparently set up a call centre for fans who are troubled by their current form.

The number is 0800 10 10 10.

Calls charged at peak rate for overseas users.

Once again the number is

0800 won nothing won nothing won nothing.

9) Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of Manchester United Players on them...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

8) Q: What do Manchester United Fans and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

7) Q: What have Man Utd and a three-pin plug got in common?
A: They're both of bugger-all use in Europe.

6) A van driver used to amuse himself by running over every Manchester United fan he would see strutting down the side of the road, dressed in their ubiquitous red colours. He would swerve to hit them and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the van over. He asked the Priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to say mass at St. Joseph's church, about two miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in!"

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the van continued down the road. Suddenly the driver saw a Manchester United fan walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. But, just in time, he remembered the bloody priest, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the man.

However even though he was certain he missed the glory-hunting shite, he still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything he turned to the priest and said

"I'm sorry Father, I almost hit that Manchester United fan,"

"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got the f***er with the door!"

5) Q: What's the difference between a Man-U fan and a vibrator?
A: A Man U fan is a real dick.

4) Q: What has Old Trafford on a Saturday afternoon at 4:45 pm got in common with Wormwood Scrubs Prison?
A: They are both full of cockneys trying to get out.

3) Q: What do Manchester fans use as birth control?
A: Their personalities.

2) A Man Utd fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Man Utd shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter in a Arsenal scarf.

"Hello mate," says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Man Utd fans in heaven."
"What?" Exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard, no Man Utd fans."
"But, but, but, I've been a good man," replies the Man Utd supporter.
"Oh really," says St. Peter. "What have you done, then?"
"Well," said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa."
"Oh," says St. Peter. "Anything else?"
"Well, two weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans."
"Okay," said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor."
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your thirty quid back, now screw off."

1) Top tip for Manchester United fans: don't waste money on expensive new kits every season. Simply strap a large inflatable penis to your forehead, and everyone will immediately know which team you support.

I hope you enjoyed them as much as I did.


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