It’s the dream triad held by 99.44 percent of guys out there: Money, fame and four percent body fat.
And not just the kind of money your friend with the most lucrative job makes (say, $400K). And not just the kind of fame your buddy who hosts trivia night down the blocks has (20 followers on Twitter).
Maybe you have a friend who has only four percent body fat (and why you’re hanging around with Justin Bieber is a mystery), but can they bury NBA 3-pointers like layups, run the 40 under 4.4 or hit a guy who can run a 4.4 in stride from 50 yards away while being chased?
Can they get to the green on a 600-yard par 5 in two strokes?
Can they go to Chuck E. Cheese, Wal-Mart, K-Mart or the Quickie Mart without being noticed?
Didn’t think so…
Obviously these kinds of guys only exist in the world of professional sports, and there are a few who are actually smart enough to stay single. They’ve seen what’s happened to the likes of Tiger Woods or Michael Jordan or Brett Favre (wait…that last divorce somehow never happened) and thought of one word:
As in…half your earnings, gone! And we’re not talking half of the $400K mentioned earlier. We’re talking half of $400 million. There’s also the fun of answering intimate questions about your personal life that have about as much to do with your profession as your favorite ice cream.
So who are the top five bachelors on the sports scene today?
You’ve got questions, we’ve got answers.
5) Aaron Rodgers, Green Bay Packers: Let’s see…you just won the Super Bowl, took home MVP honors, made Favre somehow even more banned from ever returning to Green Bay, and you look like Tim Tebow compared to the guy you just defeated in said Super Bowl (8-minute dating guru Ben Roethlisberger). You’re not the pitchman for Uggs (hello, Tom Brady!), and you’re not rumored to have hooked up with a 17-year-old girl (Mark Sanchez couldn’t get to the big dance, so he’s settling for the prom instead).
Given that the competition is as strong as the NFC West, Rodgers easily is the NFL’s most eligible non-virgin.
4) Tony Parker, San Antonio Spurs: Let’s say you’re on a date with the now Eva Longorialess Parker, and things get steamy quickly. But as you head toward a night of bliss in Pleasure Town, a strange thing happens. You notice a tattoo on Tony marking some kind of date.
What could it mean?
So you excuse yourself to go to the ladies room, pull out the Smartphone, and enter in the tattoo date into the Google machine along with keywords “Tony Parker.” Much to your horror, it’s his wedding date to the Desperate Housewife herself!
A bit odd, you think, only because actresses and athletes have the shelf life of cottage cheese when it comes to marriage. So while Tony is a catch (making $13.5 million this year while playing on the NBA’s best team), there may already be too much Samsonite to endure.
3) David Wright, New York Mets: As far as we know, was wise enough to not invest with Bernie Madoff (unlike his bosses, who are now trying to unload part of the team for a bag of balls).
So while Wright isn’t trapped in a relationship for eternity, he IS trapped in the place where home runs go to die, otherwise known as Pity Field. He’s like Derek Jeter without the stress of being called upon to win a championship every year (Met fans would gladly take 75 wins this season).
Most important factor: girls can run back to their friends after one date with Dave to use the most obvious joke in the history of the planet: “I think I just found Mr. Wright!” Meh.
2) Tiger Woods: Wait, whoa…what? How did Elin’s ex get on here? Well, the reasons are quite simple for adding the world’s No. 3 golfer and former sex addict to the list:
(A) He’ll NEVER cheat if he gets married again. It’s impossible. Tiger can’t sneeze without hitting a photographer, fan, enemy or somebody who knows how to activate a camera phone instantly these days. Plus, whoever does land him knows all of Elin’s tricks already: Check the text messages; know where the 9-iron is at all times in case of emergency, and hide the Ambien.
(B) As indicated, Tiger is an admitted sex addict. Most marriages see a significant drop in whoopee soon after the honeymoon. It’s a hard fact of life (pun intended). But with Tiger, that problem will never be a problem.
And even if he never wins again, fifth to 50th-place finishes and lifetime endorsements will be enough to make life as comfortable as it is for your average two-time Powerball winner.
1) Tim Tebow: Forget the 40-year-old virgin. We’ve got the 23-year-old version! After watching Jersey Shore against every fiber in my being (my wife controls the DVR), it's clear there aren’t too many twentysomethings out there holding out for marriage like the Broncos savior is.
His parents were Christian missionaries at the time of his birth (in case you’re wondering how we got to this point). He’s arguably the most prominent athlete to promote abstinence and actually back it up (think of the opposite of father-of-nine-with-eight-different-Mommies Antonio Cromartie).
As a result, gals know they’re getting an honest guy free of those pesky STDs that can be a deal breaker in any relationship and a very rich one to boot ($33 million over five years). He’s also one of the more beefy QBs in NFL history at 6’3", 245 pounds. Size, at least in this context, does matter.
Worried you don’t have the dream triad of cash, celebrity and concrete abs?
Unless you know someone on this list, your competition doesn’t either.
Happy Valentine’s Day.
Joe Concha is a Bleacher Report Contributor based in Hoboken (according to CNNMoney, the best place to live in the country for singles over 30). Email questions or comments at firstname.lastname@example.org or follow him on the Twitter thing @ConchSports