With Valentine's day just around the corner, it is more than fitting to explore the romantic side of professional wrestling with the cynical prescience that only a jaded wrestling analyst can deliver.
Awesome Kong is among the more popular wrestling personalities on the Internet. A very talented representation of what is teetering on becoming an endangered species, in the pure women's wrestler, Kong made her hay in TNA with a memorable feud opposite standout babyface Gail Kim.
When she decided that getting paid in snowflakes wasn't working out, Kim left TNA for WWE in a move that was as financially savvy as it was career killing. You can now find Gail Kim standing outside of WWE's broom closet with her arms crossed during the obligatory backstage Cena segment where John Cena greets faceless WWE officials on his way to the ring.
But all is not lost; Kim has recently received a push in the form of being Daniel Bryan's bottom girl.
Awesome Kong was recently signed by WWE, prompting endangered species enthusiasts, such as Diva Dirt commenters, to become aroused at the possibilities of another Awesome Kong/Gail Kim feud now that the two are under the same umbrella.
Those poor, naive supporters of women's wrestling. So optimistic. So near-sighted. So flipping wrong.
Awesome Kong has everything going against her coming into WWE. She has a unique look, she came from the competition, she's not the typical "barbie doll/porn star" Diva.
Not to mention she's of African-American descent. While WWE may take her seriously to begin with (LayCool bodyguard, anyone?), it's only a matter of time before her character finds itself embroiled in a ridiculously steamy romantic comedy angle the likes of similarly imposing Divas Chyna and Nicole Bass.
So before the obligatory complaints, on sites like this, about how WWE is killing Awesome Kong get cranked up, why not just embrace the inevitable and proactively break down who would be the top candidates for Awesome Kong's mildly comedic affection?
Don't act like you don't remember "Sexual Chocolate" Mark Henry. His sexual chocolate may be the only thing that can fill Awesome Kong's unique needs, and a Henry/Kong program would at least bring an initial chuckle to even the most jaded of fans who remember the erotic pomposity that was Sexual Chocolate.
The super heavyweight Lothario is similarly sized to Awesome Kong, and while the program would be devastating to Kong's monster heel persona, it would revive the veteran's on screen career after years of floundering on TV. Youth movement be damned.
The Great Khali had been off TV for a while as he tried to make a run at reality show immortality. Following his underwhelming return at the Royal Rumble, what better way for the Punjabi Playboy to reintroduce himself to your living room than with a comedic love angle with Awesome Kong that would have Vince McMahon (and nobody else) rolling on the floor laughing.
After his scary Giant tag was ripped off and thrown in Charlie Sheen's hotel room by WWE, Khali was manufactured into a large lover who found a niche making out with unattractive female fans and reluctant WWE Divas on TV. Given Khali's immense size, and Awesome Kong's own imposing presence, a love affair between these two would create the same freak show feel that has defined professional wrestling since its inception.
This is the only suitor who I truly feel would contribute to a productive on screen romance with Awesome Kong in that it would help get a young talent over.
Despite a recent history of being mired at the bottom of the midcard, Zach Ryder has shown a propensity to keenly play off WWE Divas including Gail Kim, Alicia Fox, and Rosa Mendez.
Ryder could benefit from Kong as a bodyguard type, with the obligatory implications of an opposites attract relationship, where Kong plays the dominant role while helping Ryder win all his matches.
Ryder would run with this role, and if done correctly, he could become a rather viable budding star in WWE similar to Dolph Ziggler following his own mismatched relationship with Vickie Guerrero.
According to studies, Hornswoggle gives Internet onlookers of professional wrestling cancer of the human spirit. His childlike antics, designed to play to the predominantly young PG crowd, have caused enough eye rolling among older fans to create a migraine epidemic amongst grappling fanatics.
Hornswoggle is pretty much a polar opposite of Awesome Kong in every sense of the word, which makes him a perfect candidate for a suitor who could engage in a freakish relationship with Ms. Stevens.
Can't you just see Kong carrying him to the ring like a baby? Saving him from dangerous predicaments only to lift him up and plant one on him? I would log into Diva Dirt (for once) during the 30 second RAW live feeds, when the Divas are featured, just to see the ensuing online outrage as if this sort treatment of Kia Stevens (Awesome Kong) was unforseen.
After all, given WWE's well documented history of how they book their unique performers, they wouldn't possibly place Awesome Kong in such a compromising position would they?
If ever there was any WWE Superstar who could salvage legitimate comedy out of an otherwise damning angle, it would be Santino Marella.
Marella is a pro when it comes to the on screen relationships as he has been booked in the romantic comedy angle since he arrived in WWE. Entertaining on screen romances with Maria, Beth Phoenix, and now Tamina have helped Santino Marella's rise up WWE's ranks as the perhaps the best midcard comedy act of all time.
Awesome Kong and Santino Marella would be an interesting pair. Tamina's angry disposition is similar to that of Kong, and Marella would serve as a perfect foil for Kong's signature truculence with his juxtaposing and fun-loving antics. When WWE decides its time for Kong to stop being a monster, in an effort to quit giving their TV-PG audience nightmares of a large, Afro-American woman hiding in their closet, Santino Marella would be the number one candidate in terms of a WWE Superstar who could make her come off as a lovable giant in all her career killing glory.