Large Hadron Collider: Will Tearing at The Fabric Of Space-Time Effect The NHL?

Spencer CallaghanAnalyst ISeptember 12, 2008


Has the world ended yet?

For those who don't live in the realm of particle physics, what I am referring to is yesterday’s official "switching on" of the Large Hadron Collider (LHC), a scientific thingamajig that is supposed to allow scientists to peer into the strange world of black holes, elementary particles, and something called a Higgs boson.

It could also create a black hole that might swallow up the Earth…but don’t panic.

The scientific purpose is to gain more knowledge into the making of our universe; however some have warned that the device is dangerous and should never be switched on.

These doomsayers suggest any number of sci-fi plots as possible consequences of this scientific experiment, from black holes that could swallow the Earth, to time-travel mishaps, to the world turning into a ball of goo.

But the most important question is -- how will the NHL be affected by this impending cosmic calamity?

10. The LHC rips open a hole in space-time, opening a gateway through which Lord Stanley of Preston, Canada’s governor-general in 1892 and original benefactor of the hallowed trophy emerges. TSN immediately signs him to be the 23rd member of their Hockey Insiders panel.

9. A quantum singularity is created, localized entirely in Wayne Gretzky's kitchen, upon entering the singularity Wayne emerges on the other side with the strength, vision and flowing blond locks he had back in 1984...a comeback is born.

8. The LHC causes a ripple in the timeline knocking the world back to 1967 where finally Leaf fans get to see a Stanley Cup. Mats Sundin immediately comes out of semi-retirement to join the temporal team “for a shot at the Cup.”

7. A gateway to a parallel dimension is opened through which an entire race of Barry Melrose's mullets emerges. Lighting owners Oren Koules and Len Barrie immediately sign the robust hairpieces to a five-year, $73 million deals.

6. A black hole emerges in the middle of the BankAtlantic Center during a Florida Panthers home game…no one notices.

5. An alternate reality is brought into existence in which the NHL had the balls to disallow Brett Hull’s 1999 Stanley Cup winning goal. Don’t get too excited Sabres fans, the Stars still go on to win the game in the sixth overtime period as Dominik Hasek decides he’s had enough and once again quits on his team.

4. Upon hearing the news of the existence of multiple parallel dimensions Eric Lindros announces he will not play in any of them either. His mother is pleased.

3. A wormhole is created in my basement that leads back to the Ottawa International Airport on the very day in 2006 when Dominik Hasek is to board a plane to go to the Olympics. Coincidentally, Hasek calls a news conference the next day, looking shaken but unharmed, and announces he will forgo playing in the Olympic Hockey tournament. The Sens go on to win the Stanley Cup.

2. Michael J. Fox emerges from his DeLorean announces to the world that he has seen the future and the survival of the planet depends on NHL teams being put back in Winnipeg and Quebec City. Unfortunately he fails to warn us of the danger of '80s hairstyles making a comeback. The world is no better off.

1. A small, localized black hole forms on the 12th floor of 1185 Avenue of the Americas, New York, New York. Gary Bettman is transported to a parallel dimension where proceeds to destroy their favourite sport, Shlaskenball.