Counting down the top five most ridiculous (fictional) sports movies of all-time has combined my love of movies and sports with my hatred of crappy storytelling and Tony Danza.
We've already beaten down Angels in the Outfield and the Goal! trilogy, and now move on to the absolute bomb that is Celtic Pride. The comedy stars Daniel Stern and Dan Aykroyd as two overzealous fans who "accidentally" kidnap an NBA star from the team their beloved Celtics are playing against in the NBA Finals.
How do they do this, exactly? They run into Lewis Scott (Damon Wayans, sporting the whitest name ever for a black basketball player), the arrogant but very talented guard for the Utah Jazz in a Boston bar (because we all know huge NBA stars want to party with hordes of blue-collar people in cities that hate them while having little to no security guarding them).
Mike O'Hara and Jimmy Flaherty (Stern and Aykroyd) pose as Utah fans in order to go through with the machievellian scheme of getting Scott so drunk he'll be hungover for the pivotal game against their beloved Celtics.
After a series of wacky and yet completely logical events, Scott turns up at Jimmy's place the next morning, apparently going home with them after the night of partying. (Again, you know you're a huge NBA star when you have your pick of women in the whole bar and you decide to go home with two fat, middle-aged Celtics fans who just happen to be men.)
The guys decide to keep Lewis from leaving until after the game, therefore giving the Celtics a much better chance to win.
In their ensuing time together, Mike and Jimmy deride Lewis Scott for being such a prima donna and saying stuff like "u suck man celtics rule lol," thus inviting the Jazz star to do a bit of soul searching.
Scott, on the other hand, criticizes Mike and Jimmy for their actions, blaming it on nothing more than jealousy (which, upon turning them green, actually makes them color-coordinate with the Celtics' jersey). He memorably tells them "no dood jazz is da best celtiks suk lmao."
Scott's attempts to escape are hilariously foiled time and time again. After several rounds of verbal sparring, Mike finally breaks and challenges Scott to a one-on-one game of basketball at night, in a public place, out in the open, without Scott in chains.
When he inexplicably escapes, (GASP!) Lewis gives them a haunting dilemma: "if da jazz win ull b sad cuz u liek da celtiks, but if da celtiks win ill tell on u guyz and ull b in jail lol."
Instead of fleeing to a foreign country just in case the Celtics did indeed win and they became wanted for kidnapping as well as terrible trash talking, Mike and Jimmy do the next most plausible thing by going to the game dressed in Jazz jerseys next to thousands of Celtics fans in every direction.
But it's okay, because the guys tell their fellow fans they're doing it to "jinx" Scott and the Jazz (which isn't really hard to believe because they're such hard luck losers).
After a tough first half in which Scott is completely dominated by Boston (possibly because he's hungover or because he spent most of the last couple of days gagged and bound), the guys give him a pep talk that's half Gene Hackman from Hoosiers and half "plz don't suck n e more."
Lewis is re-energized thanks to the support of his kidnappers and lights up the stadium in the second half. Eventually he leads the Jazz to victory.
Ecstatic due to the fact they're not going to become "bitches with fresh holes" in prison, Mike and Jimmy rush the court and hug Lewis. A local cop who happens to hate Mike and Jimmy (because they're both so cool?) walks out and asks Lewis point blank if these guys had something to do with his mysterious disappearance.
After a long look at them both, Lewis turns to the cop and says "no man deys ma frends 4eva" obviously displaying signs of Stockholm syndrome.
Awww. Good luck living in Boston with millions of rabid fans who are both sad that their team has lost and angry at you for your total betrayal.
Next Movie: Rookie of the Year