A Joke Writer Thanks the NFL

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A Joke Writer Thanks the NFL
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I’ve been a joke writer for a long time.  And a football fan for just as long.  Finally, this season, I’ve managed to bring the two together.  And believe me, it’s been a banner year.  Here are some of the things that I’m especially thankful for this holiday season:

 

Brett Favre

Thank you, comedy gods.  Apparently, Brett sent a woman lewd messages and pictures of his penis.  It’s the first time in NFL history a quarterback delivered his own sack.

Favre apologized to the other players for “the distraction.”  Is that the nickname for his penis?  “Hey ladies, anybody want to address ‘the distraction?...’”

Despite the chaos and his fractured foot, Favre’s streak of consecutive starts continues into the 290s.  To put that in perspective, when he started his first game, he was promoting Wrangler parachute pants. 

Brett missed a lot of practice because of injuries.  The coach said the "throw into triple coverage interception drill" just isn't the same without him.  

 

Braylon Edwards

Al Bello/Getty Images

He’s the Jets WR who got a DWI.  As many drops as he’s had the last three years, the real miracle is that he could hold onto enough drinks to get that drunk in the first place. 

And this is not his first issue.  If Braylon Edwards keeps shooting himself in the foot, he’s going to owe Plaxico Burress a commission.

 

Brandon Jacobs

The Giants RB wants a trade.  He’s not happy.  At one game, he threw his helmet into the stands.  Later he explained that he was trying to slam it into the ground.  Really?  You’re a professional athlete, and you can’t hit the ground with your own helmet?  It IS time to trade this guy.  He should be a quarterback for the Panthers.

 

The Panthers

They’re 1-9.  Hey, they can’t expect to win three games EVERY year.

Every team in the NFL has at least two losses this year.  For the Carolina Panthers, those two losses have been dignity and self-respect. 

The Panthers can’t stop anybody.  Who did they put in on defense?  The Italian army?

They’re so beaten up they asked Rihanna to give a motivational speech.     

 

Ben Roethlisberger

He proved this offseason that not wearing a motorcycle helmet can hinder your decision-making for YEARS.  The Steeler QB missed four games, then looked a little tentative his first game back.  After all of the allegations, I guess he was hesitant to “force one in there.”

This week, Richard Seymour slapped Ben Roethlisberger.  Living out the daydreams of college girls everywhere.

Ray Lewis sent Ben some supportive texts.  That reminds me of when Woody Allen signed the petition in support of Roman Polanski.  Some help you can do without.

 

Cowboys

Wade Phillips lost his job as Cowboys head coach.  He’s ineffective, and he just can’t lead.  The good news:  The Democrats want to hire him to be their chairman.

They are not happy with Phillips in Dallas.  To celebrate his reign, they’re going to give him a parade through Dealey Plaza.

Jeff Gross/Getty Images

The Cowboys have now won two straight games.  Two.  As in TOO little, TOO late.  And they started a new tradition.  Instead of dumping Gatorade on the coach, when they win, Jerry Jones rips up a pink slip.

 

Ochocincos

Yes, this season Chad Johnson released a breakfast cereal.  Ochocincos.  It doesn’t snap, crackle and pop.  It tweets, cackles and brags. 

And you know if Chad has a cereal, Terrell Owens has to get a cereal.  Naturally, if his cereal sucks, he’ll just blame the milk.

 

JaMarcus Russell

The former Raiders QB was not indicted on the drug charge against him.  That’s good news.  He can return to obscurity with a clean record.

It was a codeine charge.  You can get it over the counter in Canada.  Even his DRUG career is a disappointment.  Dude, you’re a tremendous failure, and you have money.  Time to get into some hard drugs.

 

Jim McIsaac/Getty Images

That Idiot Browns Fan

Last week, after a Browns game, an eight-year-old boy in a Jets jersey was tackled by a drunken adult Browns fan.  I think we can all agree…if you wear a Jets jersey at a Browns game, you get what you deserve, big guy!

Obviously, I’m kidding.  This guy tackled an eight-year-old?  His friends are never going to let him forget this.  “Jim, pick up some beer.  And on your way over, try not to tackle any CHILDREN.”

The kid was with his dad, and from what I can gather, he’s a good parent.  But a TERRIBLE blocker.

Shanahan wants a tape of the tackle to show Haynesworth how to do it.

 

Tim Tebow

The rookie QB is writing a memoir.  The book’s not that good, but the Broncos are buying it.

Maybe a book is the perfect thing for Tebow, because he does look good on paper.

It doesn’t come out until April.  Even in the publishing world he’s got a slow release.

Justin Edmonds/Getty Images

He’s not even a starter, and he’s a virgin.  Why would I want to read that?  Not starting in the NFL, and having no sex?  I can read that in my own journal.

He’s 23 and writing a memoir?  Maybe his message is getting through.  When I heard he had a book, I thought, “Jesus Christ!”

 

 

Costaki is a comedian and comedy writer.  More on him, including where to find him doing stand up, at www.costaki.com

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