Tom Brady And Patriots Regain Manhood Against Steelers After Belichick Massacre

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Tom Brady And Patriots Regain Manhood Against Steelers After Belichick Massacre
Chris McGrath/Getty Images
Someone go and get me a hot dog!

I think a moment of silence should be taken later today for those who tragically lost their lives in the Great Belichick Massacre of 2010, in the wake of last week's disaster with the Cleveland Browns. I'll contact the governor and see what I can arrange.

While I was taking a one-week hiatus from my usual column last week, on November 7th the Patriots, in a stunning display of showmanship and resolve, absolutely refused to win their sixth consecutive game by losing to the Browns, a team so terrible that they have continued to play in Cleveland despite clearly having enough collective income to afford to move.

Many Patriots fans, embodying the measure of solidarity and hope that New England is famous for, promptly became Seahawks fans. Some of the others are unfortunately no longer with us, and will be missed dearly.

Thankfully, after a devastating "house-cleaning" that involved the "removal" of several "subjects" housed in the Belichick dungeon, the Patriots mourned briefly and then regrouped and came out strong against Pittsburgh, winning 39-26 on Sunday night at Ketchup Stadium.

No one was more thrilled about this victory than Tom Brady, who seemed utterly confused and devastated after the previous loss to the Browns, even going so far as to frown twice!

After the game he was determined to never let such horror grace his beautiful, Romanesque face again, and threw for 350 yards and three touchdowns en-route to a 117.4 passer rating and nothing but pearly whites on Sunday.

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Another return to glory came out of a key circuit replacement in the nuclear power plant of Wes Welker. He had unknowingly been running a little low on energy the past few weeks, which was causing a reduction in performance. But with a routine maintenance bringing his power back to full strength, he went out Sunday and caught eight passes for 89 yards.

After the game, he tried valiantly to smile, but looked mostly uncomfortable. Everyone understood what he was trying to do, however, and appreciated the gesture.

Also playing well Sunday was Mr. Inappropriate Capital Letters and Dashes, BenJarvus Green-Ellis, who rushed for 87 yards, triumphantly assisting Brady in his effort to dominate the Steelers defense by distracting them with his magnetic charm.

Also, James Sanders, a man who is only a few days older than me and is currently a millionaire professional athlete, had a magnificent interception-turned-touchdown with the clock winding down to effectively crush and consume the soul's of all Pittsburgh fans. I can still hear the wailing and gnashing of teeth from all the way over here; or maybe that's the rain and wind. It's hard to tell sometimes.

Next Sunday, the Patriots tackle the Indianapolis Colts, helmed by the consistently hilarious Peyton Manning. You can be sure that this game will consist of the most intense, hard-fought and bitter battle ever witnessed between the various color-commentators, as they engage in the 2,945th contest of "who is the better quarterback: Tom Brady or Peyton Manning."

I expect at least one fistfight and two arm-wrestling challenges. It should be quite exciting, and I will be very disappointed if they all survive the pre-game festivities.

Also, Brady is better...

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