Clinging To a Dying Season, Los Angeles Clippers Go Online For Much Needed Help

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Clinging To a Dying Season, Los Angeles Clippers Go Online For Much Needed Help
Harry How/Getty Images
These Clippers need help!

Don't you love this time of year?

The leaves are turning in the East Coast, Thanksgiving decorations are going up, kids are preparing their Christmas lists and back on the West Coast the Clippers are mathematically eliminated from the playoff race. Well, not mathematically, but certainly emotionally eliminated.

Baron Davis is out and seemingly disinterested when he plays. Eric Gordon is injured, and now so is Chris Kaman.

Enough, we get it, this ain't the year.

A reader recently said to me that all Clippers fans are masochists. By definition, a masochist takes pleasure in pain. I can't speak for all Clippers fans, but I don't take any pleasure in this.

Frankly, this stinks.

The Clippers had things line up pretty well to start this year. Blake Griffin electrified out of the gate and immediately became the face of the franchise. Eric Gordon turned heads while earning gold in Turkey. The team looked solid. 

Then, as it often does for this franchise, things went horribly wrong.

Instead of dwelling on the negative any more than I already have, I will instead look for solutions in the mess that is the Clippers' 2010-2011 season. Los Angeles, I'm here to help.

As a Craigslist fanatic, I have come to believe that everything is "fixable" through CL. I know for a fact that everything is "purchase-able." Here is my plan to fix the Clippers through Craigslist. Hey, don't laugh, we've tried everything else.

The GM can post this ad in the barter section of CL-Denver:

Hi, we have an 11-year professional basketball player for trade. He is a former All-Star with lots of miles left. That's right, a former All-Star. Players like this don't grow on trees! He led his team to one of the greatest upsets in NBA history and has a really cool beard.

In exchange, we would like a small forward. Someone who can pull off sporting cornrows, or look just as good au natural with a headband. Ideally, we would love someone who can score from just about anywhere on the court, say 20 points a game or so. An NCAA championship and a cool nickname would make him perfect.

If you have someone like this, let's swap!

The owner will place this ad in the services section of CL-New Orleans:

IMPORTANT—this is no joke. Sports franchise in a large metropolitan area needs a curse removed. We don't know exactly when it started but everyone seems to think it started when I bought the team, which of course is a ridiculous notion. Symptoms include, but are not limited to: bad decisions, poor draft picks, horrible signings, crappy marketing (we tend to pitch the other teams instead of ours), lots of losses and injuries. So many injuries.

We need this curse overturned, we need this karma reversed. Money is no object. Well, at least I will come up with what I can. Just don't try to cheat me, ok? I'll know if you try to cheat me and I'll get mad. You don't want to see me mad, I get all red in the face and make irrational decisions.

So, can you do this, or not? By the way, I will only work with a certain type of shaman or witch doctor, or whatever the you call yourself. Let's just say I want to be able to look at you and see myself looking back. Got it? 

Lets do this!!!!

The team trainer ad will go International. We will post it in the South Africa Personal-men seeking women section:

Hello, employees of Chris Hani Baragwanath hospital. We hear you are the largest hospital in the world. With 6,760 staff members, we were hoping you might be able to spare a few doctors, nurses, massage therapists, etc.

I represent a professional basketball team that has suffered through a rash of injuries. We need personal attention to nurse us back to health. Our injuries run the gamut, from sprained ankles and sore shoulders all the way to bruised egos.

We are looking for pro bono work here because, well, just because, but we can offer great seats to a basketball game here in the United States! Females only need apply, it's just a preference, don't hate.

This next ad will be tricky, but necessary. We will have to do it on the down-low, but it will post on the little known Heaven-desperate prayers section. Posted by the fans:

Hey God!!  Whats up? Ok, so here is the deal, I represent all the fans of a local basketball team that will remain unnamed. Haha, who am I kidding, you are God, so you know the team, but anyway...

We are pretty much sick of supporting a team that keeps losing and the only time they show up in the news is when the knucklehead owner gets sued, doesn't pay someone or a former employee spouts off about his "plantation mentality."

Ugh.

We love our team and want what's best for them, so, can you do something to help us? We don't necessarily want the owner gone in the sense of the word the Mafia might use. We just want him gone in the sense of the word someone with a headache might use. You know what I mean, right?

Maybe he can lose one of those lawsuits, or somehow get on the no-fly list or, I don't know, something.

Anyway, you are God, we trust you to handle this for us. And, um, if it's not asking too much—I mean you are God after all—there is this other owner here in L.A. who is pretty good. Can we have him instead?

Clipper marketing tends to have the opposite than intended effect.

Thanks! Love Ya!

Finally, the marketing team will post this ad on every Los Angeles section:

An open letter from the Clippers to all fans. 

Thank you! We are actively doing all we can to get this team to respectability and beyond. Stick with us and trust us. We have ads, I mean, we are pursuing trades, getting the best medical attention to our injured players and have even taken drastic measures to address any "other worldly" possibilities that might hinder our ability to compete.

We are in this for the long haul. Join us.

Call now for a special five game package. That's right, you can see the Lakers, Celtics, Thunder, Heat and Hornets all for $99.99. Watch the best in the NBA take on your Los Angeles Clippers.

Sigh.

Well, it's a start.

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