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BREAKING NEWS: President Brady Orders Invasion of Tiny Moldavia

Arthur LuhnCorrespondent IAugust 24, 2008



Breaking News: Late, last night, around 11 p.m. on March 12, 2028, President Brady ordered an invasion of the tiny country of Moldavia, beginning with aerial bombardment, followed by ground troop occupation. The occupation was successful and resulted in minimal casualties. Press secretary Mr. Bill Belichick met with the press this morning to release more details. Here is his opening statement:


Well I'm sure you've heard about what happened. We had to go in there and do certain things. It's not exactly an occupation as you guys think, it's not an occupation, it's only short-term. It's a little of both, It's a result of policy, a result of decision-making. We felt it was in our best interest to go in there and do the things we've had to do. It was more out of the concern to preserve the freedom and democracy of this country and to restore it.


Mr. Belichick, can you tell us more about Moldavia and why it was invaded.

Well, Moldavia is a great country. They're very good. I mean, they've got a great q-, I mean, President. And uh their troops are great at what they do. They've got a nice arsenal, and their weaponry is obviously modern. And they've done a good job with what they've done. Generally it's a very nice country. They've got nice cheese, and also certain historical value, so you can't go wrong with that.


Tell us more about the invasion. What was the purpose and what happened?

It's not an invasion, it's a short-term thing that we decided was in the best interest of freedom and democracy. Like I said, we've had to go in there to do certain things. It's not just one thing, it's a number of things that we've had to do. We obviously did some aerial stuff, and then went in with the troops and they're doing pretty good. Not all of them are there, since we didn't deploy the full division, so the ones that are there now, are there now, and the ones that are not, are not, obviously.


Mr. Belichick, what is the policy of the occupying troops? What exactly are they in there to do? Are they peacekeepers?

It's a little of everything. We're in there to do a little of everything.


How are you going deal with the reported skirmishes that the troops have had with the civilians?

Well, we'll talk about that this week and try to figure out the best plan. If we can utilize it, the plan, I mean,  productively, we will. If we can't we won't. We'll just have to see how that goes and figure out the most efficient way to do it.


There has been speculation that the invasion was for something else than just restoring democracy to the region. There's been speculation that since Moldavia is rich in natural gas deposits, and since our oil reserves have been severely depleted-

First this is not an invasion, it's not an occupation, it's just going in there to do certain things like I said. We are not there for anything other than the short term. 


Can you tell us more about the tactical victory the Military achieved with this surprising, decisive air/ground assault?

Well it was a good win for us. I thought we played great in the first half- (indistinct conversation with aide) Excuse me, my hearing is not as it used to be, I thought you were talking about our football- okay. Anyway it was a good tactical victory. It was good to come out ahead, and the troops did a great job I thought. They were great. But it's only one tactical victory, it's time to move on. It's time to focus on the next one. We don't want to think too much about the last one or the one before that,  or anything like that. So we have a lot in front of us. It's one thing at a time, and we're going to do what's best for the troops, same as we always do. It's nothing different. Whatever it is, that's what it's going to be. 


Is this occupation a short term thing or for the long term?

It's not a military action, it's an occupation and it's short-term which means we're not there for the long term. We are by no means going to occupy Moldavia, so obviously that means we're not going to be there for a long period of time. Okay, so I'll take one more question. There's only time for one more question. Yes?


Would you care to answer some more questions about spygate? There's yet another new book coming out-


We're not even going to go there. No more questions? That's it? Yes?


How is Mr. President's right shoulder? Any improvement?

It's a bit sore. Okay, that's it, thank you and have a great day.







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