Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
Houston @ Indianapolis (-5½)
Revenge will in the heads of the Colts when the upstart Texans enter Lucas Oil Stadium on Monday night, a contest that is sure to excite the 63,000 fans in attendance, who will no doubt be screaming for vengeance.
"Unlike other players," said Peyton Manning, "I don't get fined for leading with my head; I get compensated. That's because I have the highest football IQ of any player in history. And that's a blessing and a curse. It's a curse in that people expect so much from me, and only one Super Bowl title is basically considered failure.
"With that being said, I'd like to clarify that The Ring is a true classic in the horror genre, and is in no way a commentary on my playoff record.
"Now, you probably heard about our punter, Pat McAfee, going for an early morning swim in a canal. I'm not sure how much he had to drink, but I'm sure his blood alcohol content was inside the .20. Colts players sure do put the 'special' is 'special teams.' If it's not an 'idiot kicker,' it's an 'idiot punter.'"
The Texans will hope for a repeat of their Week 1 34-24 win over the Colts. In that game, Arian Foster rushed for 231 yards and 3 touchdowns.
"That would be called 'deja Hou-ston,'" said Matt Schaub. "We know the Colts have payback on their minds. To draw a parallel to the Brett Favre/Jenn Sterger situation, the Colts 'have it out' for us. Hopefully, our play will force them to 'put it back.'"
Colts win, 34-31