Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
Oakland @ San Francisco (-6½)
After last week's 27-24 loss to the Eagles, the struggling 49ers are one of only three winless teams in the league, along with the Bills and Panthers. Again, turnovers killed San Fran's chances, with five giveaways dooming their chances to register in the win column.
Rumors are swirling about the security of head coach Mike Singletary's job, although team president Jed York gave the team a vote of confidence when he guaranteed the 49ers would win the division.
"I could stand here," said York, "and tell you that Singletary's job is so shaky it registered on the Richter scale. Or I could tell you that we've changed the name of this region to the 'Bay Err-ea.' Or, I could resign my self to firing off words that are synonymous with 'quitting,' but I'll surrender that thought, hang it up, my coat, that is, and leave the coaching to Singletary.
Mike's a stand-up guy, and he's taken accountability, just as you would expect from a bald-headed, bespectacled former linebacker in a form-fitting mock turtleneck."
Tom Cable knows all about tenuous coaching positions. He's been coach of the Raiders for three years now, and faces questions about his future almost on a daily basis.
"I'm a lot like Al Davis," Cable said. "I wake up every day not knowing if it will be my last. But I know what Singletary is going through. There's intense pressure to win, and you have to make tough decisions regarding your staff. With Mike, it's whether or not to fire a coach. With me, it's whether or not to punch a coach.
"Only in the NFC West can you be 0-5 and have a win put you right back in the hunt. It's time to man up. The 49ers have let wins slip away. It's like they've been shooting themselves in the foot with a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and it can blow your head clean off, not to mention your foot. So the Niners have to ask themselves one question: "Do we feel lucky?"
They do, punks. Joe Nedney's 49-yard field goal attempt hits the crossbar and goes through, giving San Fran a 23-20 win.