Fantasy Football Headlines from the Upcoming 2008 NFL Season

Jim CantrellSenior Analyst IAugust 14, 2008

What if you could see into the future?

How much of an advantage would it be for a fantasy-football owner to know the major stories in the NFL before they ever happened?

Wouldn't you like to find out?

Well, today you can.

That's right, my friend. Even though your puny little brain can't see into the NFL's puny little brain can!

Need proof?

How about the fact that I predicted Brett Favre's "un-retirement" several months before it became the biggest story of the summer? Did you think that was just a coincidence?

Yeah, and Kirstie Alley is just big-boned.

Look, I have the gift. And I'm willing to use it for the betterment of your fantasy football team.

It's all up to you.

So, if you think you can stop making a face like you are chewing a cockroach with a rubber band wrapped around it, and you want to gain a real advantage over the non-future-seeing owners in your league, then read below for the headlines you will soon be viewing on the Bleacher Report about the biggest stories from the upcoming 2008 NFL season.

Week One

"Cleveland Browns Trade Derek Anderson to Minnesota Vikings with 10 Minutes Left in First Half; All Four Tarvaris Jackson Fans Inconsolable"

Week Two

"Denver Head Coach Mike Shanahan Inserts Self as Broncos' Starting Running Back; Gains 127 Yards on 18 Carries"

Week Three

"Arizona Cardinals Unveil Two-Quarterback Set; Leinart and Warner Lost for the Season"

Week Four

"Miami Dolphins Lose to Bye Week"

Week Five

"New England Patriots' Wide Receiver Randy Moss Racks Up Four Scores and 200 Yards with Eyes Closed and One Hand Tied Behind Back"

Week Six

"St. Louis Running Back Steven Jackson Rushes, Catches and Throws for a Combined Seven Touchdowns; Rams Lose by Three"

Week Seven

"Denver Head Coach Mike Shanahan Inserts Exhumed Elephant Man Corpse as Broncos' Starting Running Back; Rotting Bones Gain 114 Yards on 21 Carries"

Week Eight

"Tennessee Titans' Quarterback Vince Young Tosses Five Touchdown Passes and Rushes for Negative Yardage; Arlen Specter to Investigate"

Week Nine

"Philadelphia Eagles' Quarterback Donovan McNabb Dislocates Elbow Lifting Cup of Gatorade to Mouth; Out Four to Six Weeks"

Week Ten

"Pittsburgh Steelers' Wide Receiver Hines Ward Put in Full Body Cast after Brutal First-Quarter Collision; Hobbles for Two Touchdowns in Second Half"

Week Eleven

"New York Jets' Quarterback Brett Favre Replaced in Starting Lineup by Joe Namath"

Week Twelve

"Cincinnati Bengals' Wide Receiver Chad Johnson Misses Second Half after Bottle Rocket in Pants Blows Off Left Testicle During Touchdown Celebration"

Week Thirteen

"Denver Head Coach Mike Shanahan Inserts Chad Johnson's Testicle as Broncos' Starting Running Back; Severed Gonad Gains 83 Yards on 12 Carries"

Week Fourteen

"Buffalo Bills Wide Receiver Lee Evans Injured in End Zone; Running Back Marshawn Lynch Claims He Didn't See Him Dancing There"

Week Fifteen

"Oakland Raiders' Wide Receiver Javon Walker Beaten and Robbed While Diving into Black Hole"

Week Sixteen

"New Orleans Saints' Tight End Jeremy Shockey Crawls Over Goal Line for Record 24th Touchdown of Season; New York's Brooklyn Bridge Closed Due to Large Amount of Jumpers"

Week Seventeen

"Indianapolis Colts Forfeit Final Game of Season in Effort to Keep 'Fresh' for Playoffs"

And there you are, all the upcoming NFL news in easy to digest, condensed form.

(Kind of like the crow you will be forced to eat for ever doubting me.)



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