49ers Owner Jed York Sacrifices Season for Super Bowl with NFL Strike Looming

An unnamed source deep within the San Francisco 49ers organization is reporting that owner Jed York has a master plan to win the organization a sixth Super Bowl.

The source credits his information to high-level conversations that he has been privy to between York and York’s uncle, former team owner Eddie DeBartolo Jr.

It appears DeBartolo is still miffed that the Washington Redskins managed to win two of their three Super Bowls during strike seasons, the first of which came on the heels of the 49ers' first Super Bowl.

“Those strikes cost us perhaps two more Super Bowls," DeBartolo reportedly quipped. "The one in ’82 kept our team from finding any continuity or momentum, and I know that S.O.B. Jack Kent Cook brought in ringers in ’87!”

DeBartolo went on to implore his nephew to not be caught off-guard next year, when another NFL strike seems all but inevitable. He also implied that it could be a great opportunity for the 49ers organization to capture its sixth Super Bowl.

It appears York’s plan is two-fold, and phase one is known simply as “Milli”—ELE (Extinction Level Event) was considered but had already been used in the 1998 movie Deep Impact.

The operation began by using look-alike players (known as “clones,” in York’s blueprint) from the start of the season.

Inspired by his uncle’s plea, the source claims that York came up with his idea while listening to an episode of The Jim Rome Show, aka, The Jungle, and sipping a Coke Zero.

“It may cost us the season,” York said, “but I will gladly trade the playoffs this year for a Super Bowl next year.”

The idea is to use these clones all year to give them as much experience as possible and then use them as replacement players during next year’s strike. Replacement games will count as part of a team’s regular season record, and it should be noted that the Redskins’ 3-0 record in replacement games in ’87 was a key factor in propelling them to that year’s Super Bowl.

When York was asked how the coaches liked the idea, he replied that "even though it is going to cost us a few games, most have been real supportive of the idea. But Jimmy Raye doesn’t like it much.”

Apparently, Raye’s untimely demise was considered a "necessary sacrifice" to keep the appearance of legitimacy within the organization—and to keep “Milli” from being exposed to the general public.

York also went on to say that he wasn’t concerned about fans recognizing the clones as impostors, as they wear helmets most of the time, and when the losing starts to get really bad there won’t be any fans at the games to worry about anyhow.

Phase two of the plan is known as “Vanilli”—not to be confused with “vanilla,” which is what the actual game plans have been known as this year.

The idea behind this part of the plan is to keep the regular players fresh and game ready.

York does not want to risk the players taking a full season off and having the players coming back rusty and stale if and when the strike ends.

So just where are the regular players?

Apparently they have been given new names, and are hiding out in an unidentified football league (UFL).

The players are said to be upbeat and excited about their new experience. They are getting a lot of meaningful playing time and feel like their talents are not going to waste.

“Are you kidding, they actually throw us throw us the damn ball!” replied Vernon Davis speaking on behalf of all of the receivers.

Another player particularly pleased is Brian Westbrook who indicated he may not return as he is getting into games and being used in a meaningful way.

When our source was asked how Alex Smith was doing they simply replied,

“Well, Alex is struggling a bit learning a new offensive system.”

York and DeBartolo are said to be heavily investing in this UFL as the future of the San Francisco 49ers and the NFL remains uncertain.