Twelve Labors For Chad Johnson: A Challenge

(Note: This article is based on Chad Johnson Challenges Michael Phelps to a Race-Drowns, by John Grilz).

Chad Johnson is currently vying with T.O. to become the NFL king of stupid antics. Apparently, now he's challenged Michael Phelps to a race (see above). He thinks he's so good? Here are twelve labors for him to perform. If he can do these, he can do whatever end-zone celebrations he wants, and can mangle the Spanish language at will (he can still do whatever he wants for charity - including race horses):

12) Win a championship or MVP - in anything.

It could be the Backwards Race-Walking Championships. Until you win, antics mean nothing.

11) Legally change his name to Chad Ocho Cinco.

Incredibly, Chad is about to do this. Is it possible for him to have ESP and look like an idiot at the same time?

10) Create a zen garden at the Bengals' training facility.

Johnson never said he wanted to be traded, he just needs a "change of scenery." Besides, some contemplative serenity would do him good.

9) Make the Pro Bowling Hall of Fame.

Because his chances of making the NFL Hall are probably not as good as he thinks.

8) Tour with Riverdance / Lord of the Dance during the off-season.

7) Buy Browns season tickets and sit in the Dawg Pound.

6) Become a Clinical Oncologist.

Because he "likes getting rid of cancers" in the locker-room.

5) Go 1 Round with Manny Pacquiao.

Even though Chad has almost seven inches and over fifty pounds on the Pac-Man, we want him to come out in one piece. (Also see #7 above).

4) Win an X-Prize.

Think of the rewards: a million dollars, global fame . . . Heck, he could paint a huge 'Ocho Cinco' jersey on the side of a rocket, or land it on the moon. An egomaniac's dream!

3) Carry his team on his shoulders - literally.

The self-appointed best receiver in the NFL should be able to pick his team up when needed, right? With Chad's super-human strength, this should be nothing. After all, Hercules lifted the whole world on his shoulders.

2) Raise the Bismark.

Chad has threatened to torpedo the Bengals franchise, so this is only fitting.

1) Negotiate a major international treaty.

If Chad can manipulate politicians half as well as Bengals management, he should do an amazing job. He can choose from: South Ossetia-Georgia-Russia, Tibet-China-Dalai Lama, or Zimbabwe power-sharing.