In order to combat the clinical depression caused by not seeing his name in the national media for several months, Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad “Ocho Cinco” Johnson challenged Olympic swimming demigod Michael Phelps to a race.
Johnson’s tirade on ESPN's Pardon the Interruption included claims that “the problem with Michael Phelps is there's no competition where he is." However, the Olympic world stage in Beijing, China showcases the best the world has to offer in swimming.
"If he came to where I'm from, which is the inner city, Liberty City, I was the three-times Charles Hadly school champ...Some of the best people in the world are the people who aren't able to make it to that level."
This seems to imply that some of the best football players are the guys that play intramural flag football on Sunday nights at the local community center.
"Where I'm from, Liberty City, I know a couple of people that could beat Michael Phelps right now," with bats mind you, not in an actual race.
With the help of the Bleacher Report Crystal Ball of Future Sporting Disasters, fans and spectators are able to see the outcome of the race. For those without access to the BRCBoFSD, here is what happened (will happen):
Taking a leave of absence from preseason training, Johnson purchased a first class ticket to Beijing to challenge the world record setting Olympic gold medalist despite hundreds of thousands of warnings.
Phelps, a surprisingly level-headed and calm individual despite the confrontational Johnson, declined the challenge. Johnson proceeded to taunt and mock the champion, quoting his supposed records and saying, “Anyone in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas...I mean...Liberty City could kick your a**.”
Phelps eventually accepted the challenge.
The race did not go as predicted. After the initial start, Cinco sunk like a stone while Phelps elected to do a leisurely backstroke. Cinco survived for several minutes on the bottom of the pool as it has been determined that Johnson needs less than half the amount of oxygen for his brain to function versus the average human being.
Johnson then blamed his failure on the racial bias inherent in competitive swimming. "Hey, I come from a place without means. I heard a gunshot; I went to the bottom of the pool. I ain’t going down like that."
Johnson then requested that the race begin with a stern shout of "Go, Mother ****ers!"
Phelps again agreed just to get it all over with.
This time, the tables were turned. Phelps decided to take the competition seriously, got in his stance, poised to destroy the outspoken-overrated-poor-man’s-excuse-for-Randy Moss. After hearing the loud and obscene start, Phelps launched into the pool.
His form was perfect, his speed was almost super-human. As his hand touched the wall, he raised his head in triumph just to see Chad Johnson sitting on the ledge to the left of him, texting his agent on his cell phone. Johnson had beaten Phelps by almost 10 seconds.
Then Chad Johnson opened his eyes. It had taken almost five minutes of constant CPR to get Johnson’s heart started again after sinking to the bottom of the pool five paragraphs ago. Evidently, Johnson had dreamed that he had a chance in hell against possibly the greatest swimmer of all time.
Doctors believe that the extensive brain damage that Johnson endured during his time of oxygen deprivation will go unnoticed this football season.
When asked about his plans after proving to the world that not only does he not know how to swim but he is also the world’s largest jackass, Johnson made claims that he will begin training to win a gold medal in the women’s gymnastics all-around in 2012, throw 60 touchdown passes to himself next season, hit a home run in all 162 regular season games in the 2009 MLB season, and finally (and least likely to happen), go five minutes without saying something stupid.
71 comments Last one added 8 months ago — Leave a Comment
Rob Scribner 11 months ago
If any one is having a bad day, and needs a great laugh.
Read this article!!!
This is funny stuff right here!!
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Jon Grilz 11 months ago
Thanks a lot Rob!
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Justin Hokanson 11 months ago
Agreed, that was good stuff.
I really can't tell when Chad Johnson is joking or not. Surely he was joking, but who knows. Dumbest comment I've heard in awhile.
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Dorothy Willis 11 months ago
My thoughts to a T, what a sensationally humorous article, and how true!
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Shannon Williams 11 months ago
wow. it's tough to stomach the obnoxious, arrogant, overinflated ego of chad johnson, even when it is ovbious that he would lose PAINFULLY (Eric the Eel from Sydney ring a bell for anyone?) makes me wonder why we as a country place so much of our time, faith, and love in a league that clearly has no respect for the glory and love of sport.
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greg schmitt 10 months ago
this was lame as shit. his puns and punchlines sucked ass and id like to see this guy even try and run or catch a ball like chad johnson. for all your talk about how much of a fool he is, hes out their beating db's making millions, and youre typing on a keyboard. get some perspective
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Jackie Hodson 8 months ago
Hey Shannon I think maybe your looking into it all a little to much....maybe if you lighten up and get a sense of humor you could see the that he was joking, as he often does....any one remember cinco ocho? I think Chad Johnson is just a light hearted guy who likes to stir things up. He is entertaining with out being an obnoxious, conceited jackass....like T.O.
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Zander Freund 11 months ago
My lord, that was funny! CJ gives a whole new meaning to the word obnoxious...
Thanks Jon.
Z
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Jon Grilz 11 months ago
Always appreciated Zander.
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Jack Anderson 11 months ago
Fantastic POTD!
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Jon Grilz 11 months ago
Wow, I would like to take all the credit for this one, but the fact is, without Ocho Cinco, none of this would have been possible.
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Nino Colla 11 months ago
Nor would I have my number one source for amusement.
Great work Jon. I always love having a laugh at the expense of Mr. Chad
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Inaki Angulo 11 months ago
Great laught¡
My pick of the day¡
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Alan Bass 11 months ago
haha great job!
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Curly Morris 11 months ago
Hilarious! Good stuff!
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shelby lundin 11 months ago
goodness some of you perople are determined to get me fired! Laughing outloud in an office isn't looked highly on, but either way this was a classic and I will send the link along...
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Jon Grilz 11 months ago
If your bosses can't appreciate my humor as much as you can, then they don't deserve you as an employee.
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Nathan Blunck 11 months ago
dang it man, i was going to write this article as soon as i got a transcript of the interview. good stuff. i was going to say something like johnson trying to beat him running alongside the pool and then slipping.
oh yeah, he may not be johnson much longer. apparently he's trying to change his last name to "Ocho Cinco" so the NFL can't fine him for having that on the back of his jersey
http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/blog/shutdown_corner/post/Chad-Johnson-really-wants-Ocho-Cinco-on-his-je?urn=nfl,100528
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Jon Grilz 11 months ago
It was actually kind of hard to find the interview, most just a bunch of losers in sports forums writing stupid articles... you know what, never mind.
If the NFL can't fine him can they at least make him play without a helmet?
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Nathan Blunck 11 months ago
it would be an improvement. i just can't believe that he would say he can challenge the world record holder in so many events. he's his own biggest fan.
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Jon Grilz 11 months ago
well, I suppose someone has to be his biggest fan
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Mike Turnell 11 months ago
"with bats mind you, not in an actual race."
Oh man, that was funny. Chad Johnson is the most arrogant, idiotic athlete in modern sports. He constantly makes stupid statements as a plea for attention.
Great Article, I laughed for 5 minutes despite being alone.
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Jon Grilz 11 months ago
That's okay, I laugh when I'm alone... which is all the time... to keep from crying...
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Geoff Townsend 11 months ago
Classic. Great read.
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William Berry 11 months ago
Funny.
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Nikki Hecht 11 months ago
That was great!!! I just spit my ice cream on my monitor!!!!! Great read!!!
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Jon Grilz 11 months ago
Thanks a lot for the kind words, but didn't anyone ever warn you of the dangers of eating and blogging? I hear that it is worse than drinking and driving, but then again, I have some really stupid people in my life.
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Nikki Hecht 11 months ago
I've been warned a time or ten but it still doesn't stop me :) I now keep some fun window cleaner wipes in my desk drawer for just such occasions :)
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ashwini lata 11 months ago
hey great stuff.....
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Steven Resnick 11 months ago
You know it's not as funny as you think it is. Is it some sort of dig at African Americans? When there was a report on the fact there's a rather large percentage of African Americans who can't swim? Have you ever seen Chad Johnson swim? No, you can't say that you have. Even on PTI when they were talking about Phelps you can quote Michael Wilbon saying, "It's like watching Tiger Woods it has become boring because you already know who's going to win?"
Who is the main competition of Phelps? Last time I checked the people who were in his way for the golds were mostly Americans? So did it really matter if it was in Beijing? Or training in Colorado? No. Heck, there has been talk of Phelps being the best athlete in the Olympics. Do people really forget about the other athletes in the Olympics. Lebron James is the best athlete. If you were going to create a team in any sport and you compared Michael Phelps to a Chad Johnson, 99 percent of the time Johnson will be picked.
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Jon Grilz 11 months ago
Are you kidding me?
Man, and everything was going so nicely. People were responding positively to the completely sarcastic and joke laden article. Then someone, and I won't name names, I will just post the comment under their's, had to go and make things racial.
One bad seed has to ruin it for everyone. And out of curiosity, what reports are you reading lately? Something from "Depressing and Seemingly Worthless Statistics Quarterly"?
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J. Michael Morris 11 months ago
Thanks for the comment yungcaucasiod.
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L.J. Burgess 11 months ago
You are one of the 'special' people that we meet along the path of life. You are the yang of yin, the contrast in dark and light, the just say no of comedy.
I like that.
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Daniel Muth 11 months ago
We don't know if Johnson can hit a fastball, nor do we know if Phelps can. I think we do know that Phelps would win ANY endurance competition based on his super-human pulmonary system. That means Phelps would undoubtedly be a better cyclist, distance runner, or any sport in the water. We know Most NFL wide receivers can't run a mile without collapsing as they are specialists groomed for short bursts of speed on land. As for the myth of basketball players "athleticism" the truth of the matter is Lebron couldn't hit a fastball either (he's way too tall), play football (he's way too tall), and probably can't play golf (he's way too tall). He's another specialist, perfect for the game of basketball. Phelps, in his own way, is a specialist too. He's half dolphin. This issue of athleticism is simply placed on the sport which is most important to us. Your comment about Phelps competition being only Americans is ridiculous, as there was only one race (the 400m IM) that his main competition was thought to be an American. So yes, it matters that they are in Beijing, and the fact that Phelps is absolutely destroying the competition in world record times, is a pretty clear indication that we are watching something special. As for suggesting that it somehow racist to suggest that in general, African Americans can swim with less frequency than whites, this has been reported widely, and scientifically. Check out this article:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24411271/
60% of black children can't swim compared to 30%of white children. We have become comfortably with generalist comments like "white men can't jump" when we know that some white men can indeed jump, but don't refer to this as racism. It's just a simple matter of statistical probabilities.
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Dorothy Willis 11 months ago
Sounds to me like you are suffering from "reverse racism" too bad b/c I hear it is even more caustic to the possesser than a bad case of p*nis envy.
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Rob Steele 11 months ago
The NFL "No Fun League" needs to make a special exception for Chad to continue his celebrations.
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steve diram 11 months ago
Does anyone else think it's time to Ban the Bumkin, or is that Ocho Bumkin?
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ed hesh 11 months ago
actually there are plenty of reports on the matter, most saying that AA's between the age of 7 and 14 are like 4 times more likely to drown. this article was great. hush your liberal wish wash. in fact if you read between the lines its chad being racist by implying that phelps achievements are only due to some racial advantage he has due to the color of his skin, nevermind his crazy training regiment and strict lifestyle, something chad would know nothing about.
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J. Michael Morris 11 months ago
Do you think that may have to do with inattentive parenting?
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Mary Jo Buchanan 11 months ago
Thanks for getting my day started with a great big chuckle!
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Jon Grilz 11 months ago
Anything I can do to help... as long as that anything is restricted to writing humor articles.
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chad lamasa 11 months ago
LMAO, 5 stars and my pick of the day. Keep up the great work
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Barb Bradley 11 months ago
Love it, love it, love it. And oh by the way, yes Labron James is a great athlete, Tiger Woods is a great athlete, Michael Phelps is a great athlete. Heck, there are a lot of great athletes. The difference between them and Chad Johnson is that only Chad Johnson is stupid enough to not only THINK he can beat a world-class swimmer or any other world-class athlete in a sport different from theirs, but to state it on national television. Just another ego-inflated athlete who feels the world should just bow down to them because they have a talent. Whatever, dude. What is spanish for a**hole? Maybe he should change his name to that!
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L.J. Burgess 11 months ago
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! J Michael needs to see this.
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J. Michael Morris 11 months ago
Thank for thinking of me, I cried a little...at the article...not because you thought...nevermind.
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Detroit Sports Fan 11 months ago
HaHAAHAHAHAAHAH
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Mark Korheiser 11 months ago
How is it possible to ignore the racism of this article? We live in a nation where almost half of its AA children are raised in poverty! A society that has successfully kept minorities in the inner cities by housing laws and tax breaks to the rich...We must face the facts, just because we can tolerate other races and some have created wealth for themselves, the majority is downtrodden and stuck in a nasty poverty cycle. Yes, Johnson may not be as smart or politically correct as Phelps, but we have no right to make any assumption that he uses his race as an excuse to fail. I realize that this was a joke, but this joke has greater implications. Yes, Johnson distracts his team and irritates a whole bunch of people. But how can we conjure up some crazy story and play the race card in it? Maybe we still resent those who are "different"? I think we as a society truly owe something to the AA community, and how many trainwrecks have we seen in professional sports after millions of dollars are given to those completely unprepared? I don't mean to take the fun out but racism is still so pervasive in our country. I think we could all try to level the playing field between people of all colors; and these kinds of jokes don't help that cause at all!
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Joe Willett 11 months ago
Um, I ignored the racism in this article, and I just loved it. Maybe he was making a joke about Chad Johnson being a dumbass than it is about black people not being able to swim.
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Brian Sulpher 11 months ago
It looked like him mocking on a conceited and big windbag of a pro athlete, not his skin tone. Chad Johnson could be white, black, red, green, blue, or yellow, but the fact remains he would be a huge fool regardless of his ethnicity.
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Jon Grilz 11 months ago
Out of curiosity, if Tom Brady or Brett Favre had made the same comment and I wrote the exact same article, would it still be racist? Or are you just reading way too deep into an article that was written for the humor page?
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John Fennelly 11 months ago
The housing laws and tax breaks given to the rich are not racially motivated. I'm sure Michael Jordan, Oprah Winfrey and Sean Combs are taking full advantage of those as well as as every wealthy American.
This country is based on wealth, not race....as for Chad Johnson, he should be handled like the class clown. He is not to be taken seriously. His latest comments are laughable. As for race playing a part in accessibility to certain sports, I would tend to agree, but it is not impossible for for people of color to make it big in sports such as swimming, golf and tennis. Cullen Jones, a US Olympic swimmer, is black. So are the Williams sisters. And you may have heard of world's greatest golfer - Tiger Woods...
Chad Johnson is either a) not very intelligent b) trying to be funny c) both or d) none of the above
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J. Michael Morris 11 months ago
It's possible, I did it and I am sure you can too, just try a little harder.
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Daniel Muth 11 months ago
I would submit that it is those who tend to see racism EVERYWHERE, that are as much responsible for our inability to move past it, as those minority few who don the hoods. And just for reference, the local YMCA generally has a swimming pool along with a basketball court. This is hardly an issue of racism.
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Dorothy Willis 11 months ago
Writing an article like this is done on a basis of individualism, not racism--get your minds off the race issue and enjoy the read. Why make everything in life an issue of black and white. Come over to my site (MMA) and see if anyone is beating up on Quinton Rampage Jackson for his recent legal problems. He is respected without regard to color, but for hs charismatic personslity and talent.
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Captain Larsen 11 months ago
Mark, you are an incredible JAG-OFF!
I lived in poverty.....in Florida....and still managed to learn how to swim. No thanks to any fake un-bigots like you! Go to hell with your rayssississm crap! Nobody want' to hear it!
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Dorothy Willis 11 months ago
I love hearing from the real men like you who give no excuses. Good on you. and keep swimming!
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April O'Hara 11 months ago
TOO. FUNNY.
That was great!!!!
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Sports Affiliate 11 months ago
I believe in Ocho Cinqo. He can do it. I can see it now. PayPerView, Sponsors, Charity...it'll be like Celebrity boxing.
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danny paskas 11 months ago
pretty damn funny
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Danny Devine 11 months ago
you are the MAN!!
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KC Allen 11 months ago
I'm new to bleacherreport...can I save this article or "favorite" it. Johnson is an idiot, I thought he was going to become an actor? He's about as cool as p. diddy.
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KC Allen 11 months ago
0o0oo "add to my picks" okay got it!
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Aaron Sailer 11 months ago
great read...maybe chad is thinking he would get a head start against phelps, like he did when he raced the horse
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Jeremy 11 months ago
nice write up, very funny
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Justin Damasiewicz 11 months ago
Awesome, funny article.
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Raakesh Ohri 11 months ago
A great Joke and fill the need to laugh
Raakesh
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L.J. Burgess 11 months ago
For those of you concerned with implied racism in this piece...close your eyes and substitute John Goodman for Ocho Cinco...then open 'em up and read it again.
Worked for Jesse Jackson...he told me so.
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A 11 months ago
I failed to see the humor. Guess I'm not simple enough to fall in with the general population and find humor in belittling someone (or what may possibly be viewed as an entire nationality) who was obviously making a joke. It was all sportsman fun, until some moron feels so entitled to turn their brilliant sarcasm in to an internet blog. Bravo for you, Mr. Original. You haven't just hopped on the band wagon of the many before you to attack Chad Johnson for everything he says and does. See, I can be hilariously sarcastic too.
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mar jones 10 months ago
this is fucking racist......and all the white people are saying "get past it"
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greg schmitt 10 months ago
this was lame as shit. his puns and punchlines sucked ass and id like to see this guy even try and run or catch a ball like chad johnson. for all your talk about how much of a fool he is, hes out their beating db's making millions, and youre typing on a keyboard. get some perspective
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NFL Swimmers are GAY 9 months ago
ya this sucked. Chad would destroy phelps, faggot ass swimmers
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