In order to combat the clinical depression caused by not seeing his name in the national media for several months, Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad “Ocho Cinco” Johnson challenged Olympic swimming demigod Michael Phelps to a race.
Johnson’s tirade on ESPN's Pardon the Interruption included claims that “the problem with Michael Phelps is there's no competition where he is." However, the Olympic world stage in Beijing, China showcases the best the world has to offer in swimming.
"If he came to where I'm from, which is the inner city, Liberty City, I was the three-times Charles Hadly school champ...Some of the best people in the world are the people who aren't able to make it to that level."
This seems to imply that some of the best football players are the guys that play intramural flag football on Sunday nights at the local community center.
"Where I'm from, Liberty City, I know a couple of people that could beat Michael Phelps right now," with bats mind you, not in an actual race.
With the help of the Bleacher Report Crystal Ball of Future Sporting Disasters, fans and spectators are able to see the outcome of the race. For those without access to the BRCBoFSD, here is what happened (will happen):
Taking a leave of absence from preseason training, Johnson purchased a first class ticket to Beijing to challenge the world record setting Olympic gold medalist despite hundreds of thousands of warnings.
Phelps, a surprisingly level-headed and calm individual despite the confrontational Johnson, declined the challenge. Johnson proceeded to taunt and mock the champion, quoting his supposed records and saying, “Anyone in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas...I mean...Liberty City could kick your a**.”
Phelps eventually accepted the challenge.
The race did not go as predicted. After the initial start, Cinco sunk like a stone while Phelps elected to do a leisurely backstroke. Cinco survived for several minutes on the bottom of the pool as it has been determined that Johnson needs less than half the amount of oxygen for his brain to function versus the average human being.
Johnson then blamed his failure on the racial bias inherent in competitive swimming. "Hey, I come from a place without means. I heard a gunshot; I went to the bottom of the pool. I ain’t going down like that."
Johnson then requested that the race begin with a stern shout of "Go, Mother ****ers!"
Phelps again agreed just to get it all over with.
This time, the tables were turned. Phelps decided to take the competition seriously, got in his stance, poised to destroy the outspoken-overrated-poor-man’s-excuse-for-Randy Moss. After hearing the loud and obscene start, Phelps launched into the pool.
His form was perfect, his speed was almost super-human. As his hand touched the wall, he raised his head in triumph just to see Chad Johnson sitting on the ledge to the left of him, texting his agent on his cell phone. Johnson had beaten Phelps by almost 10 seconds.
Then Chad Johnson opened his eyes. It had taken almost five minutes of constant CPR to get Johnson’s heart started again after sinking to the bottom of the pool five paragraphs ago. Evidently, Johnson had dreamed that he had a chance in hell against possibly the greatest swimmer of all time.
Doctors believe that the extensive brain damage that Johnson endured during his time of oxygen deprivation will go unnoticed this football season.
When asked about his plans after proving to the world that not only does he not know how to swim but he is also the world’s largest jackass, Johnson made claims that he will begin training to win a gold medal in the women’s gymnastics all-around in 2012, throw 60 touchdown passes to himself next season, hit a home run in all 162 regular season games in the 2009 MLB season, and finally (and least likely to happen), go five minutes without saying something stupid.