NFL Power Rankings Week 2: Playboy Playmate Edition

RM Herold@@BR_RollinFeatured ColumnistSeptember 15, 2010

NFL Power Rankings Week 2: Playboy Playmate Edition

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    here is my version of the power rankings for week 2, with something other than a bunch of jocks to look at.

    The theme for week 2 should be the long haul, meaning, you can take something out of the first week and begin to look for tendencies, but no team is out of the playoff hunt just yet.

    I mean no one is mathematically eliminated from their Super Bowl dreams after week one right?


    You thought I was going to do a Cleveland Browns joke.

    Anyway here is my interpretation of week one.

32. Cleveland Browns: Carmella DeCesare Garcia

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    No she isn't from Cleveland but she was once arrested there. For beating up a chick who was hitting on her man... wait for it...

    Jeff Garcia.

    So not only is Garcia not gay like TO said, but he got a playmate of the year to fight for his love.

    This is all to make Browns fans feel okay about themselves. The team fought hard in week one.

    The defense isn't that bad and you have guys who could really do things for you on offense: Josh Cribbs, Jerome Harrison, Peyton Hillis, and especially Mohamed Massaquoi.

    But you gotta find a real life quarterback. All the good teams have them. Check and see.

    Jeff Garcia might be available.

31. St. Louis Rams: Jenny McCarthy

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    Okay here's the connection. It's almost like six degrees of Kevin Bacon. Jenny was a playmate. Her sister Amy, who is also hot, married  St. Louis Blues forward Dan Hinote (he was with them at the time).

    Both St. Louis and Jenny have had some great years in the past. Rams won the Super Bowl, Jenny was Playmate of the year.

    Both have had some hard time and are now regrouping. Good luck to both of you!

    Side note, stop making your prize qb, Sam Bradford throw 55 times a game.

    Stephen Strasburg thinks you're killing him.

30. Buffalo Bills: Jayde Nicole

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    Jayde if from Canada which borders Buffalo, so that's close enough. And just like the Bills, we're not sure what to do with Jayde.

    She dated Bruce Jenner's son Brody whose profession is listed on wikipedia as "socialite". Really?

    And then she got beat up by the guy who created Girls Gone Wild! And I mean beat up.

    And she's kind of hot, but there's something a little off about her.

    Hopefully Chan Gailey and CJ Spiller can make us feel better about Buffalo in the future.

29. Detroit Lions: Kristina and Karissa Shannon

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    These Michigan twins were both playmates and they both dated Hugh Hefner. If you combined their age and doubled it, you'd still have to add on close to another decade to match his.

    And one of them has an alleged sex tape with Heidi Montag.

    Suffice it to say they make bad decisions. Sort of like the last Lions regime.

    But maybe things are changing.

    Sort of like the league should be changing... that ridiculous rule that took away the Lions win.

    Calvin Johnson caught that ball.

28. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Kyra Milan

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    Not much is known about Kyra except that she his from Tampa, young and full of potential.

    Just like the Bucs, Freeman has a pretty good arm, Mike Williams is on everybody's must get list and their coach is younger than Ray Lewis.

    Kyra was Playmate of the Month earlier this year and Tampa Bay is 1-0.

    It's good to be young.

27. Oakland Raiders: Heather Rae Young

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    The Raiders used to be in LA, and so is Heather. Just like Ms. Young the Raiders looked really pretty in the preseason.

    They had everyone thinking they were going to come out and conquer the world.

    Oops. But there is still time and they get to show what they are made of against the Rams this week.

    The running game is solid. Defense? Solid. Jury is out on the coach and quarterback.

    The team is full of talent, but if they don't show up this week...

26. Carolina Panthers: Lauren Michelle Hill

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    Lauren is from the Carolinas and came into her own, as a Playmate in the early 2000's just like the Panthers when they were the Cardiac Cats and Jake Delhomme took them within a field goal of winning the Super Bowl.

    And then came the Matt Moore era at quarterback. Matt Moore singlehandledly beat my fantasy team this week.

    He was my quarterback. Sacks... fumbles... interceptions in the red zone....

    Now I see why TO cries about quarterbacks.

    Now I see why Steve Smith beats up teammates.

    Bring on Jimmy Clausen!

25. Denver Broncos: Jennifer and Natalie Jo Campbell

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    Jennifer and Natalie Jo Campbell are identical twins from Colorado. And just like Denver the sky is the limit. Especially since the Broncos are a mile closer to it.

    What to say about the Broncos?

    We know Josh McDaniels is still cool with Belichick or he wouldn't have traded for underachiever Laurence Maroney.

    We didn't learn much about them from game one, except that they didn't think Jacksonville qb David Garrard could pass and he proved them wrong.

    On the bright side, Orton looked pretty good. And now they have help in the running game. Hopefully.

24. Jacksonville Jaguars: Kara Monaco

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    Kara looks a bit stressed in this picture, which is how I imagine Jags fans stay. You will go broke betting on them or against them.

    Garrard had arguably his best game as the Jacksonville quarterback last weekend. Does that mean he is turning the corner finally?

    No way to know. One thing we do know is that Maurice Jones-Drew doesn't need preseason. He just needs to get two more yards! (98 for the day.)

    What ever happened to Mike Sims-Walker?

23. Kansas City Chiefs: Brande Roderick

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    Kansas City should maybe be a little higher than this, but I don't trust them. They have some old (every former Patriots coach and player who has left Foxborough) and some new (Javier Arenas, Dexter McCluster).

    They played some really good defense and special teams, but the jury is still out on Matt Cassel.

    For now, we'll circle and highlight the Chiefs and wait for more info.

    Brande of course married a former Chief, Glenn Cadrez.

22. Chicago Bears: Nicole Narain

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    Would they be lower if they lost to the Lions? Maybe a couple of spots, but they are who we think they are: a work in progress.

    The good? Jay Cutler throwing for 372 yards. Matt Forte looking like the reincarnation of Marshall Faulk with over 200 combined yards.

    The bad? Needing the NFL rule book to help you beat the Lions. At home.

    Work in progress.

    Nicole is a Windy city girl.

21. Arizona Cardinals: Crystal Harris

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    Defensive back Adrian Wilson was named Defensive Player of the Week yesterday for his two interceptions, a sack and a blocked field goal in the win over the Rams.

    You can either say that the defense is going to make up for whatever problems the offense will have this year.

    Or that they needed a super human effort like this just to get by the Rams so things don't bode well.

    I think it will a lot of both. But more of the latter.

    Crystal was born in Arizona and raised in the UK.

20. San Francisco 49ers: Michelle McLaughlin

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    Did you hear that Mike Singletary thanked Pete Carrol and Seattle for last week's butt whooping? Either Coach Mike has a plan or he is the most interesting man in the world.

    I have a question what is the difference between Alex Smith and Matt Leinart?

    Both were high draft picks with great college records and questionable arms. The only difference I can see is Alex's coach doesn't hate his guts. But maybe he should.

    Smith might end up costing Singletary his job.

    Yes, MM is from San Fran.

19. Seattle Seahawks: Stacy Marie Fuson

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    Maybe Pete Carrol is smarter than all of us.

    He pulled Mike Williams off of the scrap heap.

    He made USC a winner again and got the hell out of there before the levees broke.

    And he soundly beat everyone's pick to win the division. Maybe Pete is the smartest guy in the room.

    Or maybe it was just one game out of sixteen. We'll know soon.

18. Cincinnati Bengals: Candice Cassidy

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    The Bengals didn't look bad in the second half of their loss to the Patriots. Ochocinco looked serious about playing and TO caught some balls over the middle.

    Their two young guys, Gresham and Shipley are going to be factors throughout the year. But there are still questions to be asked before they can move up in the rankings.

    Why the slow start? Why so many near picks of Carson Palmer? Were guys running the wrong routes?

    And most importantly what the hell happened at the half with "Batman and Robin" disappearing before the Hail Mary toss?

    Candice is a tall glass of Ohio, at 5'10.

17. Philadelphia Eagles: Shannon James

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    The Eagles will probably have one of the most interesting seasons since Terrell Owens packed up and left town.

    If Michael Vick wins games as the starter, will Andy Reid have the stones to sit him for a struggling Kevin Kolb?

    What if Kolb doesn't struggle, he is just okay? Can you Wally Pipp a guy without giving him a full season?

    If Vick played that whole game, he said they would have won. I believe him. The Packers were holding on for dear life...

    If you know anything about hot Philly sports fans, you know Shannon.

16. New York Giants: Monica Leigh

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    I'll be honest, this could be kind of high for the Giants. As I was watching that game two questions came to mind.

    Why do the Panthers refuse to cover Hakeem Nix?

    And, Did Matt Moore have a concussion before the game even started. I have never seen a worse red zone quarterback.


    So the Giants might have won because the other team just played horrendously. I mean Manning turned the ball over almost as much as Moore did.

    Even Broadway girl Monica looks suspicious.

15. Miami Dolphins: Tiffany Fallon

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    If Miami's running game is working and they can get the ball to Brandon Marshall, they will be a challenger in the AFC East.

    They are this low because they struggled with the Bills. But it could just be opening day jitters.

    Their next three games: Vikings, Jets and Patriots, will tell us everything about the Dolphins.

    Tiffany is one of my favorites. Florida girl and a Playmate of the Year.

14. Atlanta Falcons: Amy Leigh Andrews

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    Matty Ice threw the ball well, but Michael Turner didn't crack50 yard rushing. Was it because of the Steelers defense?

    Very possible.

    The Falcons were a chic pick to make a comeback this year.

    They get the Cards, Saints and Niners next. Anything less than 2-1 and we were wrong about Atlanta.

    Amy is a 2010 Playmate and is said to be in the running to be Hugh Hefner's next girlfriend.

    So the Falcons have that going for them.

13. Washington Redskins: Christi Shake

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    Some might say that the Redskins wouldn't have won unless Dallas made some real bone head plays and penalties.

    I say the holding penalties come when your line is trying to stop the quarterback from getting killed.

    With or without Haynesworth, the Redskins defense was trying to get to Romo.

    That is a positive. And if Donovan can get on the same page with everyone not named Cooley or Moss, the 'Skins might be okay.

    Still not sure about their running game yet. Portis made more news with his mouth and with his feet this week.

    Christi is from Marlyland because there aren't any DC born Playmates apparently.

    Man, what a great.... name.

12. San Diego Chargers: Jessica Burciaga

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    Yes, the Chargers lost, but that Kansas City crowd was awesome and Rivers looked a little off. Reports of their demise might be a bit premature.

    Other than his fumble, the rookie Mathews looked good and adjusting to life without Vincent Jackson was sure to have some bumps in the road.

    Still a very good team. And with the Jags, Seahawks and Cards next, they have a chance to be 3-1 soon.

    I can't pronounce Jessica's last name, but I'm thinking she should be called J-Wow.

11. New York Jets: Olivia Paige

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    How does a team that was everyone's favorite for the Super Bowl fall out of the top ten? Easy, they told us they were Super Bowl bound. No one else did.

    That offense looks really bad and the defense has to find a way to replace Kris Jenkins.

    Other that that, let's all jump back on board the bandwagon.

    By the way, they have arguably the hardest schedule in all of football.


    What's that matter if you've got Miss September 2010 from your state, right?

10. Pittsburgh Steelers: Kayla Collins

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    All Dennis Dixon has to do is hold the fort until Big Ben comes back, right?

    They beat a quality team, and established their running game. And of course, the defense was stellar.

    The Steelers might be in the top ten for most of the season. They just need one more win out of the next three (Titans, Bucs, Ravens) to be .500 for the bye week.

    Kayla is from Reading, PA. As in the railroad stop on the monopoly board. Where else do you get useless trivia like this?

9. Dallas Cowboys: Amber Campisi

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    Are they still a Super Bowl contender? Yes. Romo is top tier. As is their running game and defense.

    Miles Austin is proving that he isn't a fluke, as well. The mental errors have been there seemingly forever.

    Is Wade Phillips the coach that will lead them to a title? By the end of this year either he will or he will be gone.

8. Tennessee Titans: Stephanie Glasson

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    Not a bad week for Vince Young, wins a game and might win a Heisman even though his eligibility is up.

    All the man does is win games and if Chris Johnson really tries to get to 2000 again, this team might be going to the playoffs.

    I wonder if Mephis Belle Stephanie is a fan.

7. Minnesota Vikings: Dahm Triplets

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    Brett Favre is going to have to prove all year that he is willing to get hit at his age. And it's going to take a few weeks to get all that rust off from not going to camp and showing up late for the preseason.

    Another question people are waiting to find out is if he will find chemistry with one of his receivers while waiting for Sidney Rice or is it all on his tight end Shiancoe?

    If things click this team goes deep into the playoffs again. Unless Brett retires at the bye week.

    These proud americans are Minnesotans as well.

6. Houston Texans: Sara Jean Underwood

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    I know Sara is from Oregon but she's hot and so are these Houston Texans. Think about it, they beat everybody's other AFC Superbowl pick without Andre Johnson or Schaub having big games.

    With the Skins, Cowboys and Raiders next, we'll see if they are good or elite by their week seven bye week.

5. Indianapolis Colts: Stephanie Larimore

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    I don't think the bandwagon is empty right now. Peyton killed my fantasy team by throwing up ridiculous numbers in garbage time.

    And that's why this team remains elite, to Manning it wasn't garbage time. They always think they got a shot.

    Bob Sanders is out indefinitely but he always is. Pierre Garcon dropping passes could be a problem if Anthony Gonzalez stays injured.

    Other than that, the Colts will be there in the end.

    Unlike Peyton who makes it look easy, Indy native Stephanie seems to be trying too hard.

    No, I'm not complaining.

4. New England Patriots: Ida Ljungqvist

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    Randy Moss is complaining. The defense is really, really young and they just traded away the guy everyone thought would be their starting running back.

    Maybe that's why everyone doubts New England.

    Until you cut off Belichick and Brady's heads, they are going to keep coming at you.

    This week's game against the Jets is HUGE!

    For the Jets, at least.

    Ida is from Tanzania, which isn't as far from New England as you might think.

3. Green Bay Packers: Lauren Anderson

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    They seemed to be holding on for dear life at the end of that game against Philly.

    And now with Ryan Grant gone we have to see if Brandon Jackson is an every down back.

    If not, do they make a trade? Rodgers and that aerial attack should be fine.

    Clay Matthews haunts poor Kolb in his dreams. So the only thing that remains to be seen is how they deal with adversity.

    I'm betting Milwaukee native Lauren, loves the Pack.

2. Baltimore Ravens: Christina Santiago

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    It was either borrow from another state or go with a Playmate from the 70's so I figured Baltimore fans wouldn't mind.

    The Ravens look as good on defense and better on offense (potentially) as in their title year.

    I know Flacco struggled at times, but the Jets aren't slouches, either.

    Things are looking good if Ray Ray can keep it up for the whole year. He is getting up there in age.

    Just don't tell him I said it.

1. New Orleans Saints: Hope Dworaczyk

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    Not sure Reggie Bush handing over the Heisman will be a distraction. This team has helped rebuild a fallen city so a little thing like college mistakes shouldn't stop them from achieving their goals.

    The whole gang is back and they beat a good team without a great offensive output.

    One game at a time, from here on out for the champs.

    This is Hope Dworaczyk, 2010 Playmate of the Year, and no she isn't from New Orleans. She is from Texas, where the Super Bowl is going to be.

    Will New Orleans be there too?