If The Cast of "Jersey Shore" Were NFL Players...

Matt GelfandCorrespondent IAugust 20, 2010

If The Cast of "Jersey Shore" Were NFL Players...

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    Okay, here's the "situation."  

    With the second season of "Jersey Shore" in full swing, and NFL training camps currently underway, it's only natural we find the NFL equivalents of our favorite Seaside residents.  

     

Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino

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    Jose Canseco would be a perfect fit here, but for the sake of sticking with the NFL-only theme, the “Juiced” author will have to be exempt (along with 90% of his major league stats).  

    Still, you won’t be hard-pressed to find a jacked up, self-absorbed, socially retarded meathead sifting through NFL locker rooms. And the one that fits the bill won’t even be on the field for the first six games this season. 

    Ben Roethlisberger is the choice here. 

    Despite Mike’s antics and almost comical way he carries himself, the gang came to realize how clueless he really was, and that in the end, it was really all an act.  Eventually they came to accept him, and embrace his ridiculousness. 

    In that same sense, despite the heinous claims of abuse a variety of women have accused Big Ben of, along with his careless motorcycle riding, he’s still greeted with a get-out-of-jail free card from the city of Pittsburgh.  

    Plus, those who draft him in their fantasy leagues (he almost always goes unnoticed for the first seven or so rounds) receive plenty of praise from owners who wish they’d drafted the bloated-faced scumbag first.  

Paul "DJ Pauly D" DelVecchio

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    Ladies love him, guys want to be him. 

    Pauly D embodies the true guido nature from his sharp accent, sharper looks, and slicked back seemingly drawn on with a Sharpie on hair. 

    I’d call him crazy if I didn’t love the guy so much.  Aside from easily being the show’s most likeable character, he’s used the show’s popularity to market his true passion - DJing at nightclubs - from a hobby into a full fledged business, even having going so far as the back of his laptop bespeckled with the colors of the Italian flag along with his name. 

    Sounds like Chad Ocho Cinco if you ask me. 

    The outspoken Ochocinco has – marinate in this for a minute - managed to change his last name to the Spanish interpretation of the numbers on the back of his jersey.

    And we blindly accept this!

    Announcers now call his new name without skipping a beat, and fans wear the “Ochocinco” jersey with pride. 

    In hindsight, it’s a brilliant marketing ploy. 

    He’s got his own reality show on VH1 called “The Ultimate Catch,” which basically takes the concept of the 800 previous celebrity focused trash-infested dating shows they’ve aired, only with Ochocinco as the “datee.” 

    Oh, and he also plays football for the Bengals in his spare time.  

Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi

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    The shortest “Shore” cast member clocks in just barely above legal midget height even with her 6-inch heels, while the shifty Darren Sproles tops off at 5’6 with cleats on. 

    Like Sproles, Snooki, despite her cult fame, played second banana to the more outspoken (and taller) girls for most of the first season, until she finally voiced her dissatisfaction with being left out, and gained acceptance. 

    And while her popularity has a become pop-culture phenomenon, it’s questionable whether or not she’s got a strong enough personality to handle her own reality show (which is coming her way eventually, no doubt). 

    Similarly, Sproles’ insufficient height was the driving force behind Chargers brass drafting Fresno State stud Ryan Mathews in the first round of the 2010 draft, because the team knows that despite Sproles considerable speed, he’s more suited for a complementary role.  

Ronnie Ortiz-Magro

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    Ronnie’s on again/off again relationship with Sammi has been a mini-reality show of its own, usually ending with Sammi in tears and Ronnie out clubbing, fondling some girl on a stripper pole or partaking in some no-nonsense outercourse with a random grenade. 

    Sammi remains oblivious and believes Ronnie is just as miserable as she.  This is primarily because her so-called friends on the show won’t break the news that Ronnie’s been getting his grind on every night with guido-crazed attention whores. 

    Yet, despite being the cast member who most closely resembles an NFL player from a physical standpoint, his NFL identity is still unknown. 

    All NFL players party. 

    And I just needed an excuse to show this ridiculous picture of a blacked out Eli Manning. 

Vinny Guadagnino

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    One of the only members of the cast without a nickname Vinny also fails make up for it with a brazen, over-the-top personality, consistent womanizing, or a blow-out.  

    Vinny is just, well, there. 

    He gets overshadowed, but he doesn’t seem too fazed.  He doesn’t crave the attention.  He just wakes up everyday, works out, tans, does laundry with the guys, and doesn’t brag about it. 

    He’s Hines Ward in a nutshell. 

    Ward has been outshined by almost every wide receiver who has lined up across the field from him (Plaxico Burress and Santonio Holmes come to mind).  But he continues to do work while Holmes is suspended for this season's first six games, and Burress is rotting away in a prison cell.

    Four Pro Bowls, two Super Bowl rings, a Super Bowl MVP, and record holder for every Steelers wide receiver record.  Yawn. All in a days work for the soft-spoken Mr. Ward.  

    But seriously who’s excited for Mike Wallace this year?  I smell sleeper!  

Jenni "J-Woww" Farley

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    Brash, outspoken, and typically in the center of controversy, Terrell Owens and Jenni “J Woww” Farley are a match made in tabloid heaven. 

    Owens, already a veteran of the reality show circuit, would do anything for attention, publicly chastises former coaches (when asked what he learned from Bill Parcells, he replied “Nothing, really”), and has even been filmed mid-crunch during an offseason workout at his home. 

    He’s volatile, treats his QBs like red-headed step children, and is constantly shipped out of town (four separate times, to be exact) because he’s just too much to handle. 

    J-Woww?  Well, despite threatening to take on nearly the entire female population of Seaside, was also rumored to be offered (and seriously considered) a sum of cash in exchange for getting pregnant, as a ratings booster for the show.  Classy.  

Angelina Pivarnick

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    When push comes to shove, nobody gives a damn about Angelina. 

    First, her voice is more annoying than one of those vuvuzelas.  

    Second, she skipped out on the first season of “Shore” after three episodes because she wouldn’t go to work at the goddamn t-shirt shop which all cast members are required to do. 

    The t-shirt shop.  Couldn't stomach it?  Please. 

    After being exiled from the show, she returns with a vengance in Season Two, but the cast members have already formed an impenetrable bond of shore sleaze that Angelina can’t break. 

    Speaking of universally disliked players who have been banished from their respective occupations, Michael Vick has essentially taken a heaping sh*t on his career after serving nearly two years in the clink for his involvement in a dog fighting ring (as if you've forgotten).  

    Vick’s ability to play at a high level has been seriously compromised, and you know he’s looking over his shoulder every night, awaiting the one crazed PETA member standing in the middle of his apartment with a taser and a leash in hand.  

     

    *Editor's note 2/11/11: Michael Vick's 2010 season happened.  Oops.  

Sammi "Sweetheart" Giancola

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    She plays the victim with the type of passion J.D. Drew will never have for...anything really. 

    And who’s better at playing the victim than that purple-clad diva Brett Favre?  

    The same way Sammi convinces herself that Ronnie is being faithful to her, Favre has thoroughly convinced himself that he sh*ts ice cream. 

    He truly believes his teammates still have his back after his most recent “will I or won’t I?” escapade, and plays the whole “country bumpkin” role to death, as if this kind of indulgent, self-fufilling, vomit-inducing behavior is to be expected and exonerated once he steps on the field.  

    I can just picture Tavaris Jackson and Sage Rosenfels drinking together in a seedy apartment, pushing pins into voodoo dolls with No. 4 jerseys on, laughing hysterically.