Fantasy football drafts looms as summer slips away again.
So some timely tips to take to the end of summer fantasy football bash.
All fantasy football drafts are based on deception.- Sun Tzu talking of taking two quarterbacks in the first two rounds
Talk of the stellar season that Matt Forte will have behind the awesome Chicago Bear offense line and Lovie's Smith's superior coaching skill set.
Talk of taking four running backs with your first four picks.
Brag of taking the New York Jets defense in the third round of your on line draft.
Wonder if this is at last the season the Jacksonville Jaguars click.
Muse of Wade Phillips carrying the Cowboys of Dallas to a home Super Bowl and yourself to a fantasy football title.
Profit is sweet, even if it comes from deception.- Sophocles seeking some swag.
Just remember if ye have an Animal House-like angel on your shoulder saying that it's a sin to lie, that all that first place fantasy football bucks can make for a beautiful trip to a warm island.
And you can toast, text, and torment your defeated foes from the sand of some sweet warm sea.
If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it.- Joseph Goebbels
Lie, lie and lie some more.
Lie like a rug.
Lie like Lindsay Lohan talking to her drug and booze counselor.
Did you hear Giselle slashed Tom Brady's throwing hand with an ice pick last night? Yep jammed it on a table like Sollozzo did to Luca Brasi in The Godfather.
Did you hear Adrian Peterson tore up a knee last night?
Did you hear Ray Lewis knifed Ray Rice?
Did you hear they finally committed Brett Favre to Shutter Island?
As George Carlin once said Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.- Ernest Hemingway
That's right Bubba if you bragged drunk at the bar of bagging LaDainian Tomlinson in the third round, Papa preached that ye have to do it.
Or maybe not.
Nothing emboldens sin so much as mercy -Billy Shakes
The key lesson learned from Saving Private Ryan was to never spare the giant German so he can kill you and your team a week later.
Last year at our draft we had an inebriated lad pick the wrong Adrian Peterson and not notice for four rounds.
The kind person that finally picked the Purple Peterson had mercy and allowed the drunkard to take him back.
That goat gutted, drunkard won the league.
Always turn your thumb down like Nero at the games towards pleas of compassion or mercy.
Actually wearing a purple toga like Nero to your draft bash would be nice touch.
Get there first with the most men- Nathan Bedford Forrest
If you like a player very, very much go get him.
Someone else likes your sleeper too. Unless, of course, your stupid and your sleeper is say Steve McNair or Jamal Lewis.
If you like Ryan Matthews, you go get him.
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. -Hunter Thompson
Drafts get funky like a rum drunk monkey in later rounds.
It's also a great time to use insult to distract your opponents.
Mullet hair cuts, bald spots that look like a Sioux scalping party just passed, beer bellies, goat guts, recent arrests, tape worm like eating habits, excessive booze consumption, chronic cheapness, terrible fantasy football skills, uni brows, Shriek like super sized heads, girly man whining, man boobs, man tears and things of that ilk are all fair game.
Also take a shot fire at a rookie running back or a second year player that might pop through this year.
Who really wants another year of Michael Bush, Hines Ward or Santana Moss?
They peaked, so have a hunch bet on a bunch of unknown.
Roll them bones and buy an unknown.
Denial ain't just a river in Egypt- Mark Twain
Deny yourself your favorite teams players.
That is if your doomed to be a forlorn Buffalo Bill fan forever, do not feel the need to draft all of their mostly pathetic skill position players just to show the Bill's your love and support.
The Bills do not care about your fantasy football and you should be savagely mocked, if not tarred and feathered, for your foolishness.
I called up my friend LeRoy on the phone
I said, Buddy, I'm afraid to be alone
'Cause I got some weird ideas in my head
About things to do in Denver when you're dead
Warren Zevon on Josh McDaniel's coaching future
Some teams look doomed before the season even starts.
Do you really want to spend Sundays watching players on the horrid Buffalo Bills, kaput Kansas City Chiefs, boring Cleveland Browns, declining Denver Broncos, tumbling Tampa Bay Buccaneers or shuffling Seattle Seahawks?
The Bills bad offensive line buried two running backs in the first preseason game already.
And like most of their Florida fan base, many folks have no desire to subject themselves to a dreadfully boring Jacksonville Jaguar game.
Change ain't lookin' for friends. Change calls the tune we dance to.-Al Swearengen
Don't get stuck on the wrong side, or worse ground under, the wheels of change.
Don't be the sullen sod grasping for old stars like Terrell Owens, Chad Ochocincho, Clinton Portis, Jake Delhomme, Donovan McNabb, Willie Parker, and their gimpy kneed, grey haired ilk.
Don't be Danny Snyder and buy fading stars.
Don't field a great team from the year 2005.
Here's my counter-offer to your counter-offer: Go f*** yourself.- Al Swearengen
Beware of evil trading partners particularly ones that prey on besotted drafters.
Just because you love the Cleveland Browns does not mean you should trade Andre Johnson for Jake Delhomme and whatever sad, slow Brown suited wide out he is over throwing.
The fantasy gods are on the side of the team with the most artillery- Napoleon on offensive lines.
The Hogs, like Jack Tatum head shots to wide outs wandering across the middle, are extinct in today's NFL.
Good offensive lines are always ravaged by free agent vultures and picked apart before they develop.
The old Redskins line of the 80's would have been torn asunder after just one Super Bowl ring.
Look for the blessed backs behind the big boys in Baltimore, Miami, Minnesota, Dallas, New Orleans and the New York Jets.
Avoid the sieve like shambles in Chicago, Kansas City, Oakland, Buffalo, St Louis, Seattle, and Detroit.
Also artillery goes together like Sonny and Cher so if you take a top quarterback, grab his tight end or a favorite wide out.
Like Mini Me and Doctor Evil they complete each other.
- DEBAUCHEE, n.
- One who has so earnestly pursued pleasure that he has had the misfortune to overtake it.
- Ambrose Bierce The Devil's Dictionary
- By Oliver Reed's dissipated shade don't be howling on the floor in the fifth round as drunk as John Riggins in front of Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor.
- Remember, moderation in all things on draft day; including moderation.
There are three kinds of lies, lies, damn lies and statistics. -Mark Twain tearing up his draft sheet.
After the first few picks throw down that damn draft sheet.
The Yahoo or CBS Sports line hacks know as little or less than you do.