Manny Ramirez Traded For Madonna Tickets and A Dozen Jelly Donuts

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Manny Ramirez Traded For Madonna Tickets and A Dozen Jelly Donuts

Disclaimer: Jokes may be mature for some readers.

 

This was a three-way that Madonna didn't think that she would be a part of. This is a three-way that the Marlins and Pirates had wished they were in cahoots.

But, to the chagrin of the National-League teams part of the alleged blockbuster deal, and to the delight of all American League East pitchers, Theo Epstein decided to pull the trigger on their sulking slugger for two bona fide tickets to a future Madonna concert and a box of raspberry jelly donuts.

"At first, we didn't know if the deal was going to go through," said Epstein, still on the phone trying to sort out the specifics. "One GM thought I was nuts because I was totally going outside the mold of baseball to do what I was doing. But I'm a Moneyball guy. I got what was best in the market, and hopefully our team can be better for it."

Larry Luccino, the CEO of the Red Sox, held a slightly different view.

"I was hoping for the culmination of the article headline to be a ham sandwich," he said. "But the ham sandwich is so clichéd  in much sports trades satire these days, along with the bag of balls, non-specific drugs, and candy bars. I told Epstein that if we want to get rid of Manny, we had to raise the bar just a little."

 

 

Manny Ramirez's Reaction

When Manny Ramirez caught word of the news, he said he was relieved and had already moved on to different things.

"Well, for one thing, I am not really playing for anyone. I am not really smart, but when you are traded for inanimate objects that aren't owned by any corporate entity within the MLB, I think you are considered a free agent."

And Scott Boras got his wish by getting Ramirez free reign on the free market. And in just a few seconds after the trade, Manny was offered his biggest contract of his life.

"I am going to play in Iraq!" he exclaimed, eyes wide-open as he packed his gear in the militaristic stereotype of camouflage luggage, duffel bags, and Maxim photos of Sarah Silverman.

"I am not really playing baseball in Iraq. I was assigned by the military to be a special secret weapon against the terrorist. For $25 million a year, I will hit baseballs at the terrorists in bunkers. The baseballs have bombs in them. So when someone says, 'Manny hits a long bomb ', you will know I am making a difference in the world. And you will know there isn't enough intelligence with journalists these days to develop better puns."

 

 

GMs Talk of the Trade

Around the league, there is a great amount of talk about this trade. A lot of general managers have given great praise to Epstein for his cunning skills to trade before the deadline.

A couple of GMs aren't so sure that he brought home the bacon (which wasn't part of the deal; the Red Sox's GM's last name speaks for itself) this time.

"WTF! Are you kidding me! He is the greatest hitter of all-time!" shouts Billy Beane, as he throws a chair through a glass window.

(Note: every time he made a statement, he threw something through a glass window. During the interview, he had made a deep question about why people bother to eat non-peanut M&M's when peanut M&M's are readily accessible. As we both collected our thoughts on the subject, Beane picked up a chair, and threw it into Justin Duchscherer's car window. "F!%K people who don't eat peanut M&M's. And F%#K J-Dog for being so goddamn good. Now I gotta bounce the mofo off my team in the offseason. What an asshole, and what a silly car alarm...)

"This is a horrible trade, in my opinion. You are losing your best hitter," remarked Beane, looking at my chair seductively since there are no more chairs around. "The guy has to hit to get a contract on the free-agent market, so it makes little sense he would dog it the rest of the season.

It would make even less sense that he tries to hinder the team's chances of winning down the road. Boras and he both know everyone is basing his future contract on his second-half produ...What! I thought it was a three-way between the Marlins, Pirates, and the Sox! Oh, Madonna tickets? Raspberry donuts?"

"What am I saying, that is a wonderful trade! Moneyball for life!" Billy Beane then walks gingerly amongst the broken glass towards me, and whispers, "Hey, you think if I gave both my testicles and added Erubiel Durazo, along with a 1986 Oldsmobile Firenza, that Epstein could give me the 'Greek God of Walks'?"

When confronting Epstein on the juicy proposition, Epstein said, "Can't do it for (Kevin Youkilis). I gotta play hardball on this one."

And the subtle dry banter continues.

"Then, it was dropping Garciaparra and picking up Orlando Cabrera and Doug Mientkavich," says Ken Williams, White Sox GM. "Now, he's swapping out Man-Ram for Madonna tickets and jelly donuts. We had calls about the donuts, but I wasn't convinced on taking on the tickets. Unless I knew 'Frozen' and 'Justify My Love' were going to be on the set-list for sure, I just couldn't pull the trigger."

"The reason we did the trade is so that we can get the donuts for our club," said Epstein. "But we had to take on that huge contract of the two tickets to see Madonna. Since I dislike Madonna, I am going to sell the tickets on Craigslist for three bucks. In a sense, it is kinda like I am sticking it to Madonna."

And at that moment, a crop plane flew above us and wrote the word, "zing". Interesting...

 

 

The Donut Connection

"First of all," says Jack McCormick, holding a bunch of tickets he forgot to give Manny a couple of weeks ago, "I don't like the media spin that I am some frail old man. I use to be a state trooper. Yea, Manny and I scuffled, but we're men. What am I suppose to do, go cry to the police about it? I am the police! Fox News couldn't have spun a better story."

"Secondly," seconds Jack, "I don't like the stereotype that cops just like jelly donuts. My favorite donut is the apple & spice, and my second favorite is the Boston cream pie. Epstein thought it was a great gesture, but it's just a slap in the face to cops all around, who take pride in the variety and exquisiteness of all donuts across the nation.

I like them big, I like them small, I like them white, I like them black, I like them brown, I like them sweet, I like them skinny, I like them hot, I like them chubby, I like them with coffee, and sometimes even when they stay in the kitchen and home like they're suppose to."

"You are not a man," says McCormick, concluding the punchline, "Until you have done every type (donut?) across the land."

"Ridiculous arrogant (expletive)," replies Epstein of McCormick's remarks. "They're not just for him, they're for the entire office. Plus, every time I get the variety pack, he will take one bite out of each of them, and put them back in the box. Neatly!"

"He is a donut cherry-popper," says Epstein. "And I didn't become GM of the Red Sox for sloppy seconds!" Epstein says he hates to throw them away if they are half-eaten, but David Ortiz tends to eat them no matter what.

But Epstein is wary of when to tell Ortiz, because he will eat all of them once he is notified of the donut arrival, and will evade his crime by reminiscing about his 2004 playoff performances.

 

 

Fan & Media Perspective

"Good riddance of Manny!" exclaimed one journalists not wished to be named (Dan Shaughnessy is a random name I made up when I was eight). "This was a great trade. I know our lineup won't have the same firepower it did when it won all those championships. And that is great because my writing lived off the negativity that stemmed from the constant losing Red Sox nation had to face for so many years.

Manny destroyed it by protecting Ortiz, solidifying the lineup, winning the World Series MVP, and living up to his contract. We can't have that bullnosh in our town. How am I going to sell any more books?"

Even the fans that had loathed Ramirez during his time here had conjured up the same feelings.

"Manny is not a hard worker," says Chris Thatcher, 36, of Quincy, Mass. "He doesn't know what the working man has to do to earn a living. We have to work hard and make sure our job gets done everyday. I use to work for the Big Dig project, I would know."

The Big Dig Project, considered one of the most corrupt and inefficient (and most expensive) public project in American history, was scheduled to be done in 2000. Due to delays, an incompetent and corrupt workforce, and lack of due diligence of hard work, the project will be completed in 2350; around the time it will be demolished because there will be no more oil for transportation.

"I use to call the sports station and tell them that Manny is unprofessional, and doesn't deserve to don the Boston uniform," says James Lovoy, 65, of Medford, MA.

"I called them last month during their Barry Bonds in Beantown discussion. They got mad that I changed the discussion to Manny because they were so into the idea of bringing such a great hitter into the Red Sox lineup. I told them that Manny is a poison, and he ruins the game for us old-timers.

He is unprofessional, he doesn't run the bases, he plays horrible defense, and he doesn't care about the game. I then told them they should think about Bonds being behind Manny in the event Ortiz didn't come back. That would've been nice."

"Thank god Manny is gone because then there will be no one to complain about on the team. No one to complain about. No one to complain..."

Sadly, just minutes later, James died after shooting himself in the head with a shotgun. He will be sorely missed.

And so will Manny.

As Epstein, Luccino, John Henry, and the rest gather together at the main office on Yawkey Way to munch down on the homogeneous selection of raspberry doughy goodness, they will think of the times past when they had one of the best hitters in baseball, and they will tribute all the things Ramirez had done for them.

Then they will congratulate themselves on job well done, since the trade allows their team to falter the rest of the season and most likely get destroyed in the postseason or miss it entirely.

Whether the Kool-Aid in the front office room during this event is spiked with cyanide remains to be seen.

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