Disclaimer: Jokes may be mature for some readers.
This was a three-way that Madonna didn't think that she would be a part of. This is a three-way that the Marlins and Pirates had wished they were in cahoots.
But, to the chagrin of the National-League teams part of the alleged blockbuster deal, and to the delight of all American League East pitchers, Theo Epstein decided to pull the trigger on their sulking slugger for two bona fide tickets to a future Madonna concert and a box of raspberry jelly donuts.
"At first, we didn't know if the deal was going to go through," said Epstein, still on the phone trying to sort out the specifics. "One GM thought I was nuts because I was totally going outside the mold of baseball to do what I was doing. But I'm a Moneyball guy. I got what was best in the market, and hopefully our team can be better for it."
Larry Luccino, the CEO of the Red Sox, held a slightly different view.
"I was hoping for the culmination of the article headline to be a ham sandwich," he said. "But the ham sandwich is so clichéd in much sports trades satire these days, along with the bag of balls, non-specific drugs, and candy bars. I told Epstein that if we want to get rid of Manny, we had to raise the bar just a little."
Manny Ramirez's Reaction
When Manny Ramirez caught word of the news, he said he was relieved and had already moved on to different things.
"Well, for one thing, I am not really playing for anyone. I am not really smart, but when you are traded for inanimate objects that aren't owned by any corporate entity within the MLB, I think you are considered a free agent."
And Scott Boras got his wish by getting Ramirez free reign on the free market. And in just a few seconds after the trade, Manny was offered his biggest contract of his life.
"I am going to play in Iraq!" he exclaimed, eyes wide-open as he packed his gear in the militaristic stereotype of camouflage luggage, duffel bags, and Maxim photos of Sarah Silverman.
"I am not really playing baseball in Iraq. I was assigned by the military to be a special secret weapon against the terrorist. For $25 million a year, I will hit baseballs at the terrorists in bunkers. The baseballs have bombs in them. So when someone says, 'Manny hits a long bomb ', you will know I am making a difference in the world. And you will know there isn't enough intelligence with journalists these days to develop better puns."
GMs Talk of the Trade
Around the league, there is a great amount of talk about this trade. A lot of general managers have given great praise to Epstein for his cunning skills to trade before the deadline.
A couple of GMs aren't so sure that he brought home the bacon (which wasn't part of the deal; the Red Sox's GM's last name speaks for itself) this time.
"WTF! Are you kidding me! He is the greatest hitter of all-time!" shouts Billy Beane, as he throws a chair through a glass window.
6 comments Last one added 11 months ago — Leave a Comment
BigReg 11 months ago
HAHAHAHA, great article.
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Baily Deeter 11 months ago
Ramirez traded for tickets for a concert and a box of rasberry jelly donuts? Crazy talk.
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L.J. Burgess 11 months ago
I did not see this coming...I am shocked.
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L.J. Burgess 11 months ago
Soon as I get a POTD back you're in.
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Bill San Antonio 11 months ago
hilarious
excellent work
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Chris Pennant 11 months ago
Oh man, this was good. Totally beats my article; everything is straight-up funny. My favorite part is Billy Beane throwing chairs out of the window and cursing Justin Duchscherer for being good. Haha, "now I'll have to trade him during the offseason."
Pick of the day!
-CJP
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