Brett Favre Has a Comeback Itch...a Return Rash...What Is It?

Pictured Above:  Brett Favre describes to reporters the location and symptoms of his latest pig-skin condition. (Photo courtesy of AP Morry Gash)

Bleacher Report’s own Casey Fenton broke the national story that, according to a Wisconsin dermatologist, Brett Favre’s comeback desire “started as an itch and now has slowly spread into a full-blown skin irritation.”

Casey also reported that, “It is unknown as to whether the rash developed from his love and passion for the game he has been playing since childhood, or an insect bite from his family farm.”

Here is Casey’s full report.

As an aspiring physician, I am not convinced as to the etiology of Favre’s skin condition. It could be viral or it could be bacterial—hell, some people think Favre is fun, and some think, for the Packers, he has become a fun-gus. 

So to clear things up, let’s break down the top-10 most likely causes of Favre’s itch, rash, irritation…whatever it is:

1) If Favre has a painless ulcer on his own green and yellow "helmeted warrior". It could be TREPONEMA PALLIDUM...otherwise known as SYPHILIS. Left untreated, this disease does cause widespread neurological problems and would be bad for a gentleman trying to throw coordinated end-zone strikes.

2) If Brett reveals that his solitary ulcer is painful...it could be HEMOPHILIS DUCREI...an easier to treat bacterial problem.

3) If Brett's rash is indeed genital, but consists of many ulcers, then we are looking viral—perhaps HERPES SIMPLEX 2—which appears to go away, but then reappears at inopportune moments...which matches the pattern of Brett’s offseason act over the last few years.

4) Brett's itch could be a result of the parasitic infection CHLAMYDIA TRACHOMATIS. Parasites are kind of like sports agents that live in your blood. This can lead to early arthritis and blindness—bad things for the heroic No. 4 and his comeback bid.

5) The Packers are treating Brett like an unwanted wart: He’s not something they really want to deal with, and they are hoping that he will eventually just go away on his own.  Genital and skin warts are all various forms of the virus HPV—HUMAN PAPILLOMA VIRUS. There is a vaccine now for HPV, but it's for the cervical form of the virus that afflicts ladies...sorry Brett.

The key thing about all the above causes is that not only do they itch and cause rashes...but they are all sexually transmitted diseases. My guess: Deanna Favre is NOT going to be happy about that little revelation.

Other options?

6) The Packers are treating Brett like there is a “Fungus-Among-Us” and Brett has admitted he has the “itch to play.” That itch, depending upon location, could be the big-time athletic supporter TINEA CRURIS (a.k.a. Jock itch).  If Brett is scratching his head trying to figure out what to do next—that would be its cousin TINEA CAPITIS. Both of those can be treated topically...but not tropically...like Brett moving to Tampa Bay.

7) If Brett had chicken pox as a kid, then this could be a return of the virus known as VARICELLA-ZOSTER. Which, when expressed as a rash in adults, is called SHINGLES. The virus will go away and hide deep in Brett's nerve's pathways, only to re-emerge at random intervals...just like Brett’s desire to play football keeps doing.

8) Some people think Brett is acting like an upset baby—well, perhaps he's crying because he has diaper rash. That would be the fungus CANDIDA ALBICANS. You don't want your lady friends to get this one fellas...whoo-hooo...no sir...trust me.

9) Has Brett been mulling his future recently, while pounding a few brewskis from the Jacuzzi on his back porch on his Mississippi farm? His rash could be a case of Hot Tub Folliculitis, which is from PSEUDOMONAS AERUGINOSA, which gives you nasty little necrotic lesions that do have the upside of smelling like grapes.

10) If Brett doesn't wash his hands after he's done reading the latest copy of Farmer’s Almanac while perched on the can...then he could have a nice case of the COXSACKIE A16 Virus, otherwise known as Hand-Foot-Mouth Disease. Which is really Hand-Ass-Mouth Disease, but the CDC is too politically correct to call it that.

Other than that, his skin rash could be due to more common problems like staph, or strep, especially given that Casey Fenton reported that new QB Aaron Rodgers was reported to have staph.

This makes me wonder if Green Bay's dueling QBs have tried to kiss and make up recently, while Aaron was still infectious...oh wait...that's EPSTEIN BAR VIRUS, which causes Mono...nevermind.

Whatever it is, I hope Brett gets a physician involved and gets a timely diagnosis and treatment. This way, both he and the rest of us can put his itches and rashes behind us and finally get to the 2008 NFL season.