Top 10 Reasons New York Will Host the 2014 Super Bowl

“Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together… mass hysteria!”

–Dr. Peter Venkman, “Ghostbusters” (1984)

According to the backlash from NFL fans everywhere, the Super Bowl coming to the Big Apple will have roughly the same results as Gozer the Destructor ’s famous entrance did 26 years ago.

After three rounds of voting (because the voting apparently didn’t go Goodell’s way), NFL owners approved that the New Meadowlands Stadium will host the 2014 Super Bowl .

So now the Super Bowl could be played in freezing cold weather. A blizzard could befall the big game. A tight end desperate team could even sign the Abominable Snow Man the day of the game.

It’s hard to believe the NFL would risk this type of catastrophe, given that almost all other Super Bowls have been played in significantly warmer locations. But here are the top ten reasons why the NFL was willing to take that risk:

10. Michael Bloomberg has deep pockets and huge pull.

I’m not saying the mayor bribed Goodell—what I am saying is that it’s funny that Bloomberg recently renamed Queens “Goodell’s.”

9. New York’s gun laws effectively make the city safer.

There will be no Plaxico Burress accidentally shooting anyone or anything that weekend. What with all the extra visitors in town for the Super Bowl, no one has to worry about anyone (illegally) packing any heat. (Of course this reason flies out the window if Tank Johnson’s Bengals make the big game. I laughed out loud when I typed that last sentence.)

8. NFL Network star Matt Millen can host Saturday Night Live the night before.

The sketch possibilities are endless. MacGruber and Millen race to see who can blow up a professional football franchise faster. Andy Samberg and Millen can pen a love song about wide receivers for the digital short. Millen’s monologue could actually be him talking about all the moves he made as Lions GM. Sure, he wouldn’t be laughing. But everyone else would be.

7. Rex Ryan wouldn’t put the Jets’ plane at a high crash risk.

This goes without saying. Kudos to Ryan for dropping some weight thanks to his surgery , but there are a lot of drops in the ocean, too. Just in case the San-chise and San-ganjio get the Jets to the Promised Land in four years, this plan has everyone at Jets HQ breathing a big sigh of relief.

6. Spike Lee can film his new movie: “Mariucci: Doin’ Work.”

We’ve all been waiting for this flick. Lee’s documentary will take us through a day in the life of Mooch as he battles to cover up his bald spot and tries to get his name on the short list of every single open coaching job in the league without ever actually taking one.

5. Jay-Z and Alicia Keys get another chance to belt out “Empire State of Mind.”

The World Series was not enough. The Yankees victory parade was not enough. I love this tune, but thank goodness the Knicks didn’t win anything last season.

4. The Statue of Liberty gets a much-deserved makeover.

Eyeblack on her face, a football raised in her right hand while donning a mammoth Aaron Rodgers jersey would be a welcome change, even for a weekend.

3. The Raiders get another chance at the “tuck rule.”

Since they play in the same conference, the Patriots won’t be there to take advantage of it this time. Again, this assumes that the Raiders would be in the Super Bowl and it would also be snowing. Given this report , I’d say it’s much more likely to snow on Super Bowl Sunday.

2. The city will be in need of a jump-start after LeBron James’ three-peat with the Cavs.

While the pairing of Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh will be good enough to get the Knicks to the conference finals every year, LBJ’s Cavaliers will keep New York’s cagers from the Larry O’Brien Trophy. At least all the Super Bowl revenue will soften the blow—for a week.

1. George Steinbrenner just purchased the NFL.

You probably haven’t heard about this yet because Sabathia, A-Rod and Jeter all still make more money than the NFL. And you probably won’t read a lot more about this because the NFL won’t be anything more than a lefty specialist out of the bullpen for the Yanks.

So now you know why New York was chosen. Some of this stuff makes so much sense that it just had to be true.