Steve Austin, astronaut: a man barely alive. . . We can rebuild him. We can make him better than he was before: better, stronger, faster.
Dear Drayton McLane and Ed Wade: Let’s have a fire sale!
The newspaper ad for the sale could look something like this:
Proven MLB studs available NOW! Looking for young prospects in return. All positions needed. Serious inquiries only.
Stud #1: Roy Oswalt
Ten-year veteran, three-time All-Star, lifetime 139-75 record with a 3.21 ERA. Hey there, Toronto Blue Jays, Detroit Tigers, and Texas Rangers, interested? Anyone else out there need a big-time starting pitcher?
Stud #2: Lance Berkman
Twelve-year vet, five-time All-Star, lifetime .298 hitter with 317 HRs and 1,054 RBI—an average of 33 HRs and 111 RBI per 162 games. Switch-hitter, good first baseman. Nice fit for you, San Francisco Giants.
Stud #3: Carlos Lee
Twelve-year vet, three-time All-Star, very similar to Lance Berkman: career .289 hitter, 312 HRs, and 1,119 RBI—averaging 30 HRs and 108 RBI per 162 games. Perfect DH material. Hey, Chicago White Sox and Oakland A’s, we know Carlos is off to a slow start this season, but this guy could help you.
Stud #4: Felipe Paulino
Starting pitcher, only 26 years old, three years of MLB experience. Lifetime 5-18 record with a 6.11 ERA. Great potential!
Wait a minute. I’m not sure Felipe Paulino is a stud. Who snuck him into this ad?
Sorry, folks, but Kaz Matsui is no longer available in our fire sale. An astute early buyer, a homeless man from Dallas, got a killer deal on Kaz yesterday: free of charge!
Enough kidding around. At 14-26, the Astros are tied with the Seattle Mariners for the second-worst record in baseball. I think it’s time to consider burning down the Astros’ house and starting afresh. And I don’t mean Minute Maid Park.